musings and the mundane

a new kind of family

2011-11-14T13:46:00.001-05:00

my friend, stacey, posted this video on her blog this morning. now that we are a transracial family, it hit me deep. take the 17 minutes or so, and please watch.

Bloodlines Documentary with John Piper from Crossway on Vimeo.

meeting benjamin

2011-11-07T20:12:00.008-05:00

first off, let me tell you that was happens now in our story isn't the norm. going to the hospital to meet the baby is a rare thing, and direct placements (when you get to take the baby directly home from the hospital) aren't so common either. there is a good reason for this which i totally understand. in georgia, the birthmother has 10 days after she signs away her rights to change her mind. jon and i had decided before we met erin that we did not want a direct placement. we were quite okay with whatever child we adopted being with a foster family for those 10 days. and we were okay not so much for ourselves, but more so for our girls. how do you explain to them that this is your "maybe" brother? we just didn't want to go there, but erin fought hard for direct placement. she didn't want us to miss a minute of bonding with benjamin, and i am grateful for her persistence and God's leading us to trust Him and to change.

so april 5, 2011. we loaded up the girls and drove to the hospital to meet benjamin. two quick stops first. we went by our kroger (with a vase in hand), and they prepared the most beautiful flower arrangement even throwing in some extra flowers for free because the ladies there are just so sweet to our family (all the time!) oh, and i remember getting some ginger ale. yeah, must have been nervous. then we stopped at chick-fil-a to get lunch for everyone to take to the hospital, and then, we're there. a phone call to the caseworker to find out which room, and in we go.

having the girls there was a gift. it was a buffer and gave me some time to process without all eyes on me. because let's get honest, babies are not all cute...especially a mere 12 hours or so after they have been born. and he was really, really different than my girls. for one thing, he was huge! my biggest baby was julia at a whopping 7 lbs 2 oz. benjamin was nearly 10 lbs! and he was purple. i am grateful that someone, somewhere had prepped me that bi-racial babies are often purple for a bit after birth. yeah, that was good to know beforehand. :)

when we first walked in the door, i handed my camera to someone (janine, the caseworker?) and then the girls were just like magnets to benjamin. i let them look, and then made them wash their hands! then the lovin' began.

the girls first meeting benjamin (look at abby trying not to touch)

the girls fighting to see who would hold him first

jon and i getting to hold him

feeding him a bottle

the mood was VERY upbeat. so much so that i was a bit worried for erin. i thought she would be sadder, but she wasn't. (probably helped that she had just gotten drugs before we went in.) she was so so gracious. letting us hold him. letting us change his diaper. letting abby see what uncircumcision is all about before it was too late (is that tmi?)

but there was also strain for me. it was hard to be there and not be the parents. to be the "almost" parents. decisions needed to be made, and we weren't the ones making those decisions. when i fed benjamin, he projectile vomited. erin wanted to move him to soy-based formula which was fine for her to make that call. no judgement from me. but it wasn't what i would have done. so having to defer to her just reminded me that he wasn't ours.

some might wonder if we felt that bond instantly. i mean, i've watched tons of videos of people meeting there soon to be adopted child for the first time. there are tears, weeping, and a tidal wave of love pouring out of them. i'll be honest, i didn't feel that. it took me about 30 minutes or so to start to feel the least bit connected. if you want to read more about all of that, go here. i think there was a difference for us though. we were adopting to bring God's redemption into brokenness instead of adopting to have redemption brought into our brokenness. does that make sense? (and don't get me wrong, adopting had definitely brought redemption into our brokenness, it just wasn't our primary reason for adopting)

we stayed for about an hour and a half. benjamin needed to leave to be circumcised. erin had just had a baby and needed to rest. there were super sweet moments that God let us have....

like the ceremonial eating of a huge chocolate chocolate chip muffin (abby and i shared one in the hospital bed when julia was born).

and this...(notice how ginormous he is in abby's arms!)

and honestly, it wasn't so hard to leave. we knew that the hard day was to come.

one week from today

2011-09-29T22:31:00.003-04:00

Lord-willing, one week from today...he will be legally forever ours. i am so ready. past ready, actually.

just thought i'd share.

benjamin's birthday

2011-09-19T20:50:00.004-04:00

here's some from my journal april 4th:

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9 am-well, big sister shirts and benjamin's onesie are made. erin's letter is written (i wrote a letter to give her in the hospital). the diaper bag is packed. the bottle warmer is working. everything is in place. erin went to the hospital around 5 am. her mom was going to text janine updates (which she'll send to christie who will tell us). so now, we wait. yesterday, my heart was sad and heavy, grieving for erin and fighting against anxiety to fully trust You to hold our hearts come what may the next few days. Lord, today I just feel excited.

12:08 no news. checking e-mail and trying to stay busy. julia just played uno and won twice. so ready to know something!

---------

the updates we got via e-mail:

6:14 pm (Erin's mom) sent a text to Janine simply saying that a c-section may be needed b/c baby’s heartbeat drops unless Erin in sitting up. No details re: dilation, when they will know further, or anything else. Will let you know as soon as I hear anything else.

8:32 pm Latest update is Erin is at 8 cm and the baby is moving down birth canal. May have a vaginal birth after all, but they still do not know for sure. Since she still has not delivered, we may need to rethink tomorrow, depending on how she is feeling and if she has a c-sec. I don’t know how late Erin's mom will call Janine, but if I hear I will let you know!

8:52 Now they are saying baby’s heart beat is really strong and are more hopeful for vaginal delivery.

9:52 pm He should be here soon…head all the way down and she is 9 cm!

back to my journal:

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he's here! after a long day of waiting, praying for no c-section (his heart rate would drop unless she was sitting up)-he's finally here. 9 lbs 10 oz 20.75 inches long. thank you for so many answered prayers today.

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re-reading all of this brings back so many memories. having had two c-sections myself, i so didn't want that for erin. the physical scar and permanent reminder (not that she will ever forget), the super long physical recovery (in addition to dealing with her grief). we begged God, and He was gracious.

this was also a night when a huge, huge storm came through. we had the girls in the hallway, flashlights ready, and jon and i were in benjamin's room sitting on the floor, praying when the power went out, and we were interrupted with the girls' needs. by the time we were able to pray again, benjamin had arrived. the prayers then were soaked with my tears. he was healthy and here.

i love the tenderness of this photo.

*sweet, precious erin sent us tons of photos printed out and in an album, and she also sent us CDs with the photos. are you starting to see why i love her so??

countdown to his birthday

2011-09-15T16:14:00.006-04:00

it was a dark and stormy night...well, it really was, but let me back up a bit to the days that preceded it. erin was due on the 7th of april, but she was scheduled to be induced before then as benjamin was measuring quite large. in previous conversations with her, i had told her that julia's birthday was on the 31st of march...so, could she do what was in her power so that they wouldn't share a birthday?? i felt ridiculous asking, like she was God and could decide when he entered the world, but she was scheduling an induction, so i figured it was pertinent info. she told us that when she went to schedule the induction, she informed her doctor that she wouldn't do it on the 31st or april 1st (i begged God that julia wouldn't be an april fool's baby--silly, but true, and apparently, erin and i are of like mind on that!) so that only left her with monday, april 4th. three days before she was due. guaranteeing that she would be delivering a big baby. but she was willing to do this for our family. this is just more of why we love her so.

so, have you ever been pregnant and waiting to go into labor? you know how those days just drag on? or ever had a dear friend due soon and you are longing for an update to know how they doing? well, the week or so before erin had benjamin, i thought i was going to crawl out of my skin. her first priority was not to call her caseworker with updates every day about how her contractions were progressing...but i was DYING to know. we would get an update every few days towards the end. how she was uncomfortable. how far dilated she was. how she was put on bedrest about a week and a half before she was scheduled to induce because her blood pressure was high. from then on, i was all nerves. so a little time line of events...

friday, march 25th--we find out that erin was put on bedrest the day before

saturday, march 26th--julia's birthday party. we decided to celebrate early, just in case.

tuesday, march 29th--we hear that erin is doing well and she told christie that she was excited (i kept wanting to know how she was feeling)

thursday, march 31st-julia's birthday and the beginning of our spring break

now, we had to wait. no school to take up time. no birthday party's to prepare for. nothing left but waiting. and praying. and hoping. and praying some more.

erin and the girls

2011-09-10T12:00:00.000-04:00

you know how stressful it is when you really, really need your kiddos to behave? as much as we train them, love them, pray for them, counsel them, we still cannot control what they will do and say. meeting erin WITH the girls was in some ways more stressful than the first meeting. what if they did something that horrified her or said something that appalled her? they are the testimony to how we parent, and if she didn't like how we parent, she could definitely walk away. i mean, what if they both had major tantrums? what if they were totally disrespectful? what if????? how would you feel if you were trying to find a family for your baby, and then when you saw how the family interacted, you were shocked and dismayed??

i know many of you will say, "but amy, your family is so precious!" or some other kind thing. and yes, we have a great family, but EVERY family has bad days. days when i would get out if i could! yes, i should have trusted that the Lord was sovereign over all this, and yes, i tried to rest in that. but i ain't gonna lie, i was stressed!

i don't remember how the girls were feeling beforehand. (isn't that terrible! a true indicator of how self-centered my thoughts were at the time!) i know abby was a bit apprehensive at first. but a burger king playground to herself and the promise of ice cream for good behavior helped.

when we walked in, the playground area was completely empty (thank you, Lord!) erin was there with her mom (oh yeah, we were meeting her mom for the first time too). shortly after we got there, our caseworkers arrived. this meeting, they sat at a table at the end, pulling away from our conversation to give us some more space.

the girls did really well overall. there were a few altercations over food, but all in all, they were splendid. our interaction with erin and her mom went well too. nothing stands out in our time together. it was just laying more groundwork for our relationship.

oh, but this. this was precious. benjamin was moving inside of erin, and julia had wanted to feel him move. so she asked if she could, and erin graciously let her. abby didn't want to, and i wanted to, but something held me back. i tried for a long time to figure out what it was, but i never could figure it out.

love the tenderness of julia's little hand on erin's belly and erin's hand on julia's head.

such a sweet moment.

julia telling ben "hi, hi!"

oh, and julia wanted to ask erin if benjamin would pull her hair. when we asked the girls what questions they had for erin, that was very important to her. gotta love it.

more waiting

2011-09-09T11:44:00.001-04:00

i'm resigned to the fact that it is going to take me awhile to finish benjamin's story here. life doesn't leave much time to stop and write these days, but oh how i want to record more of God's faithfulness here. set some stone pillars up to remind me in days to come!!

after that first meeting with erin, we were back to waiting. she was due at the beginning of april (a week after julia's birthday and a week before my birthday!) i was in the midst of a major health crisis (of sorts). i had this weirdo rash (dermatographism, look that one up!) and so, each week was a different doctor's visit trying to get to the bottom of the rash. mercy!

we also were at the two month before baby arrives point. you know, when you are pregnant, there is some major nesting that kicks in then. i felt it too! i wanted to have food stocked up, toiletries stocked up...everything ready to keep my house running smoothly. then, there was the debate about the nursery.

there is a common thought process about adopting that you shouldn't set up the nursery until it gets really close (like a week or two) before the baby comes because if something happens, having looked at the nursery for so long will make the loss greater. jon and i talked about it, and while we knew that there was truth to that, we also knew that we were already all in emotionally...and nursery or no nursery, we were going to be doing some serious grieving if this fell through. in light of our insane spring (3 birthdays, end of the year with school and our anniversary for starters), we decided to go ahead and get things set up.

we also debated alot about when to have baby showers. there was counsel to wait until after he arrived and counsel to go ahead and do it now. we waited, but in hindsight, i think either would have been fine. (such big dilemmas at the time seem so small now!)

there was also another visit with erin to look forward to. she wanted to meet the girls. it felt so so far away, but time flies, and before we knew it, it was time to take the girls to meet erin.

books for kids

2011-09-08T08:48:00.004-04:00

i love to read. books have changed me, and i long for my children to be impacted in the same way. jon and i are pretty picky about the books we choose for our kids that teach them about who God is because these are the foundational years. today, as julia was sharing with me something she had been learning from a book on cd, i was reminded just how important this is, and i also thought that i'd like to have a list handy of Bible books that we love for those who come behind us (and to write it down before i forget!) so here are some of our favorites.

i love ella lindvall's "read aloud Bible stories." there are just a few words per page. the stories are simple, yet true. (there was one where she referred to wine as "grape juice" and money as "pennies" but at the age that you are reading these stories, you can easily change this back to "wine" and "money" without your non-reader ever knowing) we started these when the girls were 1-2, and julia (now 4), still loves them.

this is my most often recommended Bible for littles. we absolutely adore this Bible. there is not one place in here where we have found it to add or take away from scripture. Jesus is front and center (even from the first story!) the stories are simply and clearly written, and the pictures add more details that will spur conversation on as a child ages and starts asking more questions. we have read through this more times than i can count, and i believe that it helped both of my girls to get a good grasp of the gospel. the new version has a CD included with the Bible read-aloud. for julia's quiet time, this is one of the books she listens to. i cannot recommend it enough!

there are a series of these books that talk about God's attributes. they are little board books that are short, but profound. page one of God has Power says, "God has power. He made the whole world." there is a verse at the bottom of each page too. the title of the book is repeated at the top of each page. love these little things (and need to pull them out for ben!) there are six in the series. God is Kind, God Has Power, God Never Changes, God Knows Everything, God is Everywhere and God is Faithful.

these board books are by the same author as the books on God's attributes, carine mackenzie. i appreciate the introduction to parables for kids, but i'm not going to lie, the deeper meanings were completely lost on my 2-3 year olds. here's the first page, "Some people thought that they were better than others. They thought that God liked them best of all." we have The Lost Coin, The Proud Prayer, The Missing Sheep and The Runaway Son. she has written a new one since abby was a baby, The Foolish Farmer. might be checking that one out soon as big sisters often want to read to their little brother.

when my girls really started asking questions about why Jesus had to die, this book was the best! the illustrations are gorgeous and the explanation is deep, but clear showing from Genesis how we have all sinned, how a lamb was used for sacrifices and how Jesus met all the requirements to be our sacrifice once and for all. this is another one that you can get with a CD, and i highly recommend it. julia is listening to it now.

write now, abby is reading through this Bible. it is in comic book form, and is pretty stinkin' detailed. she has my copy from when i was her age. so obviously, it's an oldie. this is great for when your kiddos are starting to read well. not one that i would want to read aloud, but good for those who are reading and want some independent time with the Bible.

for their first "real" Bible, we have liked the NIrV. i have no doubt that it is not the most accurate of translations, and we aren't going to be doing in depth word studies from this version; however, i think it is perfect for the new reader who wants to read on their own. for that, i am grateful!!

these have been our core books. there are others (and one day, i might post about those), but these are our go to books.

the one book that is conspicuously missing is "The Jesus Storybook Bible." we are well aware that it is vastly loved in the circles that we run in. the reason that we haven't used it yet is simple. when jon and i read it to abby, we were struck by how parts of it stated as fact things that are not stated as fact in scripture. people are stated to feel certain ways that they might indeed have felt, but the Bible doesn't say it explicitly. when we are emphasizing over and over and over to our kids that God's Word is true, and then we have to go back and explain, for example, that joseph might not have felt sad, we don't really know how he felt, well, we think that could be confusing. we get that all of these picture Bibles aren't perfect, but we want to do our best to make things clear. now that abs is older, i think that she would understand easily that this is someone else's interpretation of what they have read and it could foster great conversation. when they are little, we just like to keep it simple. no hard feelings, k? :)

his name

2011-07-29T16:36:00.000-04:00

more from my journal during that weekend away...

jon and i also looked at the story of benjamin a little. i love at his birth-the birth that leads to his mother's death, that she names him Ben-Oni-- "son of my trouble" and instantly there is redemption--at his birth to "Benjamin"-named by his father "son of my right hand" obviously erin, has nothing but love for this child. obviously, he is not her son of trouble--but the story, the meaning is rich. from birth, redemption. and part of erin's heart will be pierced in giving him to us, but he will be Jon's son of my right hand. redemption. beautiful, glorious redemption.

that little boy has my heart. may i not forget that i am not promised tomorrow with him.

there was a major shifting that weekend in my heart. i realized that i couldn't halfheartedly love benjamin. i don't know how to love that way. so, if i was going to love him at all, it was going to be all out, and the potential for pain was going to be greater. when jon and i talked about it, he really encouraged me to give my heart, and to trust the Lord to hold it well.

one of the amazing things to me was God's provision, yet again, of something that we needed before we knew that we needed it. to have to process through all of that for the first time WITH our girls at home would have been super difficult. the freedom to be still, to cry without freaking them out or having to answer questions that i didn't have the answers for was a tremendous gift. He provides.

the aftershocks

2011-07-28T16:04:00.004-04:00

after meeting erin, jon and i headed to a dear friend's family lake house. we normally try to get away once a year just the two of us to refuel and reconnect, and this was the last weekend we could find before benjamin's arrival. so, we went, thinking that we would get to relax for two days. instead, we spent the two days grieving, weeping (well that was mostly me!) and processing our meeting.

does it sound weird that we were grieving? with the meeting having gone so well, i would have thought that the waves of relief and joy would have been pouring over us. but the faceless mother now was real. the brokenness of it all crushed me. here is a bit of my journal from that weekend:

...here i sit with tears streaming down my face as the sun streams over the water and blinds me with its light, and honestly, i don't know why i am crying. as soon as i sat down to write, the tears started. my heart grieves for this beautiful girl whose eyes dance with light. my heart aches because i long with ever fiber of my being to know with certainty that this boy, the one that i now have a picture of -this boy, will he be a part of our family? will a heart abandoned to love him fully be devastated by the loss? will we have to foster him for months without knowing the results with such risk for huge pain. yes. yes, i must trust in You.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because He trusts in You." isaiah 26:3 ...how i have needed that. trusting You will lead me to a steadfast mind and a perfect peace. the alternative? a fear-driven, fear filled woman who works diligently to protect her own heart, to figure out the best plan to lower the risks, to eliminate pain, whose mind is a locomotive, barreling down tracks unable to rest and who cannot savor the gift of this day. and who, who am i putting trust and all my basket eggs in? the One who is not safe, but wildly powerful and will keep me from all harm. the One who will not let my foot slip. who neither slumbers or sleeps. the one who is the shade at my right hand. the Lord Jehovah-my salvation.

trust You. i do trust You. that doesn't diminish the pain, but it does calm the fears.

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it has been 24 hours since the first meeting. thank you for time to cry. time to process. time to ponder. in some ways, i feel like this is a lot like the story of Moses. i don't know what the "pharaoh" is in erin's life forcing her into finding a better place for this child, but just as they knew he was no ordinary child (heb 11:23)-well, it seems like erin feels the same way and as a result wants something more for him. i long to know more of her heart--and oh, i am so grateful for what you have allowed me to know. i love to how You allowed moses' mother to nurse him. You gave her time to say good-bye. to savor precious memories with him. i want to give erin that. and you have to wonder-well You don't, but i do-have to wonder if she (moses' mother) kept up with him. if she got reports about him from others who worked under him. it seems like he knew about aaron and surely aaron knew about him. how interesting that their lives were reunited by You.

more tomorrow.

defender of the weak

2011-07-11T18:41:00.002-04:00

yesterday was a big day. a day that we don't yet know the results of. yesterday was the court day to terminate benjamin's biological father's rights. this is the last step, the hurdle, you might say, to us being able to finalize the adoption. alot is riding on what happened in that courtroom yesterday.

you see, benjamin's biological dad could have hired a lawyer, shown up and said that he would like to parent benjamin. he would have to fight for that right, but he could do that. our understanding is that older judges often favor biological parents because they believe that "blood is best." so regardless of whether or not the person is fit to be a parent (not saying that benjamin's bio dad is or isn't, i don't know enough about him to assess), older judges will side with the biological parent. younger judges are different, we've been told. one of those situations where the tide has changed.

we are waiting on pins and needles to hear the results. in all honesty, i've been a wreck the past few days. you don't realize how much you love someone until you are faced with their absence. i saw that with abby gone to camp on a small scale, but the thought of benjamin not being a part of our lives, well, it has undone me.

on sunday, i just wanted to hold him. all day. to the detriment of my back, but to the health of my soul. i was weepy. one of the songs we sang at church had a line in it praising God as the defender of the weak. i looked down at this baby in my arms, and i realized that God is a far greater defender of him than i could ever be. may i trust Him more.

and we meet

2011-07-03T14:06:00.007-04:00

when she walked in, i was calm. really really just glad to get the whole thing started. i can't remember if we hugged or not. jon was sitting next to me, and erin sat across from me. her caseworker was next to her and christie was sitting next to jon. got the visual?

we talked, and talked and talked some more. we were there for 3 hours. she was just as nervous as we were, i think. as the time progressed, we all relaxed tremendously. one thing that i love about our relationship is that we are both asking questions and then asking, "is it okay for me to ask this?" while looking to our caseworkers for direction. it is unchartered territory for all of us (so grateful for our caseworkers' help in this process!!!!)

erin shared some of her story with us that we hadn't heard. i asked her why she chose us...and for all of you in the midst of adopting, read this! she said that she had three families to look at. after she had looked at the first two, she went to the bathroom and cried because she knew that these weren't the families for her child. they were too perfect. they didn't seem real. she told her caseworker when she came back that she was scared to look at the last profile because what if she didn't like it (aka us)? then she started reading.

one of the things i had written in our letter to any pregnant momma looking for a family for her child was this:

So us. Who are we? If you are looking for the picture perfect American family who has a dog, a cat, 2.5 (perfectly behaved and perfectly manicured) kids and goes to Disneyworld each year, keep on flipping. We aren’t that family. But if you are looking for a family that is a place of authenticity, warmth, humanity and love—a place where one of our biggest goals is to champion each member of our home to pursue their passions for the glory of God, then keep reading.

erin told us that when she read that part, she was so relieved. we were real. so her fear that we wouldn't say yes wasn't rooted in her insecurity, it was rooted in the fear that if we said no, who would she choose? i cannot imagine being in that place! hard enough to choose to make an adoption plan...how much harder if you don't love the families that you have to choose from!

to say that we clicked with erin would be a vast understatement. you know how sometimes you meet people and you just fall in love with them? you just hit it off and you are bonded? that's what happened. we shared similar senses of humor. we just got each other. i was struck over and over by what a gift that was (and is!)

one of the things we talked about while we were there was names. she was curious what we were thinking. at that point, we had three names left on our list for first names. (the middle name was going to be after jon's middle name). we shared our ideas with her, and she liked benjamin. we didn't commit to that name at the time, but she told us that she wanted his name to be the same on both birth certificates. yep, he gets one from the hospital and when the adoption is finalized he gets another birth certificate with his new name. (hello spiritual significance!) i'll share more of how God confirmed that name to us later...

oh, and the sweet girl had gotten a copy of her last ultrasound for us and put it in a frame. love her. so much.

when we left, we asked her if it would be okay to take a picture. she said yes. (and for all of you worried about us protecting her privacy, thank you for your concern. i asked erin if she minded us posting her picture, and she was fine with it.) so, here we are.

i cried at one point during our meal. i was sitting here with this amazing woman, and i wanted to share something with her. i told her (through tears) that our utmost desire was what was best for her and for her baby. if she changed her mind and decided that she wanted to parent her child, we would be fine. we just wanted her to know that she had that freedom. she started to try to tell me that she wasn't going to change her mind, but i shushed her. i told her i wasn't telling her that as a way to get her to affirm us, but that i just wanted her to have that in her mind and heart. i never wanted her getting to know and love us to keep her from doing what she needed to for herself and her baby.

when we left, we all hugged. tight. she and her caseworker left. and we stayed for awhile and talked with christie. then, i got in the car and bawled. little did i know how desperately i was going to need those few days away with jon to be able to process everything. i am so grateful that the Lord knew and provided what i needed before i knew i needed it.

getting ready to meet erin

2011-07-02T22:08:00.004-04:00

i didn't have morning sickness with benjamin, but i was nauseas. a lot. does that count? after jon and i talked and prayed and said, "yes" to going forward with this possibility, we found out that erin wanted to meet us. and soon. she was nervous that we wouldn't say yes. we inferred that she must be deeply insecure. (we found out later that her nerves were not driven by insecurity.)

our meeting was scheduled for several weeks away. we were going to meet at chili's. for lunch. her caseworker and our caseworker would both be there. we felt clueless. what do you talk about? what is okay to ask? what is taboo? would she like us? would she hate us? and did i mention, what do you talk about?? i mean, we had read a multi-page report detailing her life, family and story. she had read the same on us. it is a weird thing to walk into a meeting with someone where you know so much intimate stuff about their lives, but you have never met them. there is a layer of vulnerability that is just strange.

i remember loading up the girls the morning that we were headed to lunch. jon and i were actually going away for the weekend after lunch with erin. so, there was the stress of packing ourselves, our food for the weekend, all of the girls stuff, etc. on top of just going to meet erin. everyone was in the car waiting, and i was the last out the door, when the nausea hit me. i called jon. abby looked panicked, and i almost puked, blacked out and sat down in the carport and cried all at once. (sounds like morning sickness, hey?) i pulled myself together, mostly because my girls were watching, and we left.

oh, and did i mention that this was that day that we got the random snow? it wasn't one of the heavier snowfalls, just a light dusting with icy roads. and yeah, we atlantans don't know what to do with snow or ice of any sort.

so we left early. and we got there VERY early. too early to actually sit at the restaurant and wait. jon and i drove around. we popped into a couple of stores. ross to look for tights for abby and a school supply store to look for calendars. basically, we were wasting time. we got to the restaurant and prayed before we went in. i was nervous, but calmer once we got there.

let me interject that one of the reasons that i was nervous, tense, whatever you want to call it, was because i felt this need to soak every fiber of erin in. i had no idea how many times we might get to be with her. no idea of what kind of contact she would want with her child. i did know that getting to meet her was a gift. i knew that if we wound up adopting her baby that i would want to tell him about his birth mom. and how do you know what he would want to know? what she ate? what she looked like when she laughed? did she laugh? was she quiet or chatty? how do you prepare for questions that you know might come, but don't have any idea what they might be? my senses were on high alert.

christie got there next. we got a table, figured out where everyone would sit and waited for erin to arrive.

the call

2011-07-02T14:15:00.000-04:00

january 20th, 2011. it was not an ordinary day. oh no.

the day started crazy. it was school day, and so we were doing school. but before we could get started a dear friend called to tell us that becka mullennix, a precious lady from our old church, had died. we had worked with her, been loved by her. she was young. it came out of nowhere. so the morning was spent grieving with old friends via phone. attempting some school between calls.

that afternoon i had an appointment with a friend. it was important, and i couldn't miss it. so, at the last possible moment (because i'd been on the phone and doing school all day), i went to hop in the shower. i mean, i had less than enough time to get ready at this point. and the phone rang.

it was christie, our caseworker. i didn't think a thing of it. she prepped me that she had news. i asked if she was going to take me on another unnecessary roller coaster ride (see possibilities one and two)--and no, i'm not always the nicest person. and she told me that yes, she was going to take me on one, but that it was very necessary. i sat down, right where i am now at my computer desk, and listened.

she shared the birthmother's story. she told me that she was having a boy. she shared all the parts that made it messy (which for the sake of honoring Benjamin-this is his story after all-i'm going to stay mum about). she asked me what i thought. and i sat and shook.

oh, and did i mention where jon was on this day? he was down in the basement of a mall working. he had called me earlier in the day before everything hit to tell me that he would have no phone service all day. so, here i am with this world rocking news, and i can't get in touch with my husband. mercy!

so after a few frantic calls, a quick shower, crazy prayers and a five minute briefing with my husband while he was in the car on his way to switch off with me at home, i left for my appointment. i knew in my heart of hearts that this was the one. this was where we were supposed to be.

what to do while we wait

2011-07-01T09:47:00.001-04:00

the waiting was hard. harder than i thought it would be. i remember christie telling me during one of our interviews that she thought it would be hard for me, and i remember telling jon that i thought i'd be fine. oh, ugly pride.

so it was hard. it's hard to plan much when you don't know when you might get a baby. with international adoption, you have some framework of a timeline. it is broad and changing, but there is some framework. with domestic adoption, we had none. they told us that we could get a call and have 24 hours to come and get our child. or we might have a few months if the birth mother wanted to meet us beforehand. covenant care was going to do everything in their power to protect our family. so they didn't want to bring us into the process until they were pretty certain that the birth mother wasn't going to change her mind. and if that certainty wasn't there, then they would wait the 10 days after she had signed away her rights, and then they would tell us.

how do you plan a vacation? when do you start to decorate? to pull old clothes out of the attic? and what do you gear up for? a baby? a toddler? how do you prepare your children for a possibility when you don't know when or where it is coming? do you commit to lead a Bible study when you know that you might have a newborn at any point in time? good grief!!

we eventually figured out that we needed to just live life. when we found out, we could adjust accordingly. by the time we figured that out, we got the call.

our second possibility

2011-06-30T12:44:00.002-04:00

Christie, our caseworker, made it a habit NOT to call us. She said that whenever we would see Covenant Care Services in the caller id, our hearts would race, and she didn't want to put us through unnecessary drama. Which I appreciated. We did talk from time to time. There were still questions that I had, finishing touches on paperwork that she had questions about.

On one of these occasions, she mentioned to us that there was another possibility. Now, we weren't supposed to know when our profile was being shown (another way that Covenant tries to keep us off of the emotional roller coaster as much as possible!) We knew about the first possibility because we had to confirm whether or "maybe" box was actually a "yes." For some reason, which I cannot remember now, Christie told us about our profile being shown again. This time, it was a little girl. It was a simple story. No drama. Not super messy. After I hung up with Christie, I was talking with a friend and told her about the situation. I said, "she's not going to choose us." There was something in my gut that just said that this was too simple. That this adoption needed to be for a couple who were adopting because they couldn't have children and longed for one. Not for us. We were adopting for different reasons. We were okay with mess. We longed to be agents of God's redemption in something messy.

Christie called back not long after and told us that the birth mom had chosen someone else. When I told her my thoughts, she just laughed. The couple that the birth mom did choose was exactly what my gut had said.

So, we were back to waiting. (notice a theme?)

our first possibility

2011-06-27T09:47:00.000-04:00

reality hit hard and fast. the years of paperwork and wanting to love others, but wondering how the hours of working for southernsavers and mounds of paperwork really were ministry were gone in a flash. we got our first possible child presented to us. it all became very real.

during the last meeting for our homestudy, our caseworker asked us if we were open to adopting a child that was the result of incest. (it was one of the questions on our "type of child desired form" that we had checked with a maybe.) there was a brother and sister. the sister was pregnant. they were younger than 15. after i got over the icks, i was so grieved. how does that happen? where were their parents? their mom seemed unfazed by it all. was the father of this baby really the brother, or was he just the fall guy for their dad. how? why? and...

how do you begin to tell a child you have adopted their story when THAT is their story? jon and i prayed. i made phone calls to doctors to find out the medical ramifications. we learned about genetic testing that could be done after birth. we decided after gathering our info that we would be willing for them to view our profile. willing to consider it with the contingency of doing testing after birth. everything we were hearing was that everything could be fine, or could be a mess. and really, isn't all of that brokenness such a mess?

we began to pray for that family. pray for redemption. pray for healing. pray for massive, massive change. and we waited to see if they would pick us.

they didn't. i honestly cannot remember if i grieved or not. i think i did a bit. we had invested our hearts in prayer and our time in research and love had begun to grow. at the same time, with it being the situation it was, we were fervently praying for God to make it clear if this is where He wanted US. He said, "no."

so we went back to waiting.

premature panty party

2011-06-09T13:04:00.002-04:00

in the interest of full disclosure (and because i do believe that there are other moms out there with this situation)...our panty party was a bit premature.

every other night since the party (including the actual night of the party), our sweet juju has wet the bed. one of the things that i love about this girl is that she does not have any shame at all about this. we are doing all that we know to help her be successful--no drinks after dinner, potty before bed, taking her before we go to bed and then when jon gets up around 5 am...still, accidents are happening.

often.

so, because the one thing about this that makes my precious julia cry is having to wear pull-ups (they are babyish AND itchy-not sure which is the bigger offense), i've been researching some different options.

and here is what we are going to try next:

http://www.artfire.com/users/danielcreations

here's hoping they work. anybody have any other suggestions??

flying through the process

2011-06-09T01:30:00.000-04:00

covenant care's process was a little different than what we had been exposed to with our other two agencies in that you had to attend one of their twice yearly meetings before you could get started. that meeting happened at the end of august in 2010.

we had a lot of our paperwork done already, and they were gracious to not make us redo most of it but to take in paperwork from other agencies. we had an FBI background check to do. we got fingerprinted. the girls got to see the inside of a police station where people were booked. fun times. (does that count as a field trip?)

by the time we went to the first meeting, most everything was done. from the time of our first homestudy meeting (which we were dreading, but went amazingly well) to when we were on the waiting list was a mere 3 weeks. just so you know, things never happen that fast. it was an insane 3 weeks of putting together our profile packet (where we try to summarize our family in a few scrapbook pages and a letter to the birthmom) to madly cleaning our home (so that when they came to check it out, it would be deemed, "fit"). we got done at the end of october with everything. now, it was time to wait.

while mom's away...

2011-06-04T17:15:00.003-04:00

they learn new tricks.

celebrate!

2011-05-31T22:12:00.006-04:00

tomorrow night we are going to party.

no birthday here.

oh no.

but this girl,

the one whose tenderness will melt you in an instant.

well, she finally is sleeping through the night without a pull-up.

and that, my friends, is cause for celebration.

she wanted to invite friends over. and have presents.

instead, i offered the dinner of her choice.

mac 'n cheese.

(nope, momma can't eat that, and we all eat together at dinner.)

second choice.

homemade pizza

(with my new found love, buffalo mozzerella)

and how about some ice cream? i suggest.

and CAKE! she says.

or maybe brownies?

and CAKE! she grins.

guess whose going to the store tomorrow to buy icing?

today

2011-05-29T19:57:00.002-04:00

today, i wish my son was not adopted.

i wish that he was just mine.

today, i wish that everything was right in the world.

i wish that i didn't spend time throughout the month thinking and pondering about what on earth to write to his birthmom for her monthly update, but that instead, i could just savor the moments.

i wish when he smiled, i didn't feel this compulsion to get the perfect picture for her. (do you know how hard it is to capture a newborn smiling??) that instead, i could just soak up the love from that sweet little smile.

today, i wish that i didn't have to organize, print and describe photos or write up our monthly report.

i wish that the waiting for his birthfather's rights to be terminated would be over...not lingering out there, hanging over me, ready ammunition for the enemy to use.

i wish that life were easier. simpler. and as i stood washing the never ending stack of dishes (only to go and fold the never ceasing pile of clothes), i realized why i was wishing all of these things. because i want to be able to handle all of this on my own. i want to be able to somehow manage life. i don't want to live with risk. because when i do, my lack of faith is exposed by the evidence of my mounting fear. in essence, i want to live without God. ugh.

so today. today, i repent. of my selfishness. of my pride. of my laziness. of my attempts to do life on my own. what stupidity. what humanity. that He would come for a wretch as I.

over and over again.

my big girl

2011-05-26T23:27:00.000-04:00

i wanted to take a moment and comment on how my big girl is growing up.

here is a list of things that she has learned to do in the last two weeks:

take a shower without any assistance

braid her doll's hair

RIDE A BIKE!!

started piano lessons (listening to her practice is wonderfully entertaining in and of itself)

she even helped me cook dinner last night!

we each had a skillet and made fried rice together.

hers was better.

i love this stage where she is just so ready to learn new things.

and i cannot believe she's about to be seven. wow.

money

2011-05-25T22:25:00.004-04:00

having children in any way, shape or form ain't cheap. no surprise there.

since i was in my early teens, i have had a multitude of opportunities to watch God provide for my family and others. i have seen Him put food on the table for us when we were growing up and the construction industry was tanking (funny how history repeats itself). i have seen Him provide money for me to live overseas. i have watched Him over and over provide not only what we needed, but abundantly more than that (hello free trip to Hilton Head!)

back in college, one summer on a beach project, we sang this song. (anybody remember?) "give, and it will come back to you. good measure. pressed down, shaken together and running over. give, and it will come back to you. when you give, give to the Lord." i just remember kevin perryman busting out on that song. anyway, the lyrics (scripture, actually) stuck deep. i have seen them played out over and over. we cannot, ever, outgive God.

so when we started looking at adoption, paying for it was laughable. we by no means had the funds that we needed. we were grateful each day to be able to pay our bills and live debt free. however, we were confidant of one thing. if He had called us to adopt, He would provide what we needed in ALL areas to do it. here are some of the fun ways that He did it. (and is still providing!)

anybody ever heard of southernsavers.com? well, unbeknownst to me, this website was hugely popular. i thought it might just be this little old site with money saving tips that was helping me. so, i contacted Jenny via e-mail to see if i could help her teach workshops. she actually e-mailed me back (which is so funny to me now that i know just how huge her site is), and i started working for her doing the walgreens list and then adding the kroger list. all of the money that i made went into the pot for adoption stuff. but let me pause for a moment and tell you just how kind God is. jenny is the absolute BEST boss in the universe. she gets that family comes first and has been so gracious to me. the Lord knew exactly what i could handle, and a job that i can do in my pj's at home a few hours a week to put some money in the pot far exceeded all of the ways i was brainstorming that we could increase our income. He is good.

even with all of my hours of work, we were barely making a dent in what we needed. i was amazed though (and continue to be) at how each time we reached a financial deadline, God provided. a penny saved here, a dollar earned there...and then there is the beautiful body of Christ.

we had three different families in our church that rallied around us. what i absolutely love about each of them is that they used their gifts and passions to help, AND they listened to the Spirit. all of them came to us wanting to help and with ideas of how they specifically could. one gal hosted a jewelry show and gave us the profits. another couple did a huge fundraiser at their gym and raised a ton. and then dear friends just gave out of their extra--wanting to live out the believers having all things in common.

what made these gifts even more fun is that we applied for a matching grant through an organization called promise686 and these gifts were doubled!!

i have had moments of wondering if we were ever going to make it, and i look back at the last two years, and i think, You are good. so good.

closed, open or semi-open

2011-05-16T09:28:00.003-04:00

there is lingo that goes with the adoption world, and this is more of it. allow me a moment to define (at least to the best of my knowledge).

closed adoption-this is where there is no contact between the biological and adopting parents. you might know something about the story surrounding your child, but probably not a ton. this is the typical international adoption, and this is the way that most adoptions were done 30 years ago.

open adoption-there is contact between the biological and adopting parents. there are varying levels of open. there is wide open, "hey come on over to our house!" and open with some boundaries as well, but relationship is happening.

semi-open is somewhere between closed and open. that's about all i know about that.

when we first started this journey, i was all for a closed adoption. i was driven by fear. HUGE fear. i had read one too many novels and seen one too many made for tv movies about the birth mom trying to get her child back. obviously, that is a terrifying thought. i didn't see any good that could come from us having a relationship with our child's biological parents. i thought it would be confusing for the child and that they might be conflicted about who their "real" parents were. because we were adopting internationally, i didn't have to look at my reasons or motivation for wanting a closed adoption. that was just the way that it was going to be.

however, when we moved to domestic adoption, we suddenly had to make a conscious decision about what type of adoption we wanted with the understanding that the biological parents might want something different than what we wanted. so, we had to decide, and then hold that decision with open hands.

one of the things that i am most grateful for is the great training we got from covenant care and for some challenging conversations i had with a dear friend. for the first time, i started to step outside of my fears and begin to think about what it must be like for the biological parents. when we began to think of them as people who were grieving the loss of a child and needed the love of Jesus, everything shifted. i learned how loving them well could help them to heal. we began to see that if we had an open relationship with our child's biological parents, there could be the potential for us to have medical information if we needed it. there wouldn't be this wondering in our child's hearts about who their biological parents were. they could know them. we would still be the ones calling the shots. we would still be the parents. if the relationship became toxic, we could walk away, but we could at least try it.

love began to cast out fear. isn't that what He says that it does?

what has held us through the storms

2011-05-13T13:25:00.000-04:00

the last few posts are fairly turbulent, at least, remembering them was for me. it made me stop and ask myself, what held us through those rough waves. i can honestly say that knowing that God was completely in control AND that He knew the child that He had for our family was our sanity in this journey. even now, when we are tempted to give way to fear, remembering who He is holds us fast. He is a strong tower. He is good. that doesn't eliminate pain, but it does remind me that He will use all of the pain to bring beauty. He is not taken by surprise. when i am blind sighted, He is ready and prepared, knowing full well what was coming. when the temptation to just quit sinks in, to stay our happy little family of four, He reminded me that He had called us to this. He would accomplish what He had set out for us.

over and over, i have said that i have no idea how people do this without believing that God is sovereignly in charge of all AND that He is good. how do you ride the waves of life without a firm anchor to hold onto? there is no way that we would have made it this far without Him. He is all that i am not.

our third and final agency!

2011-05-12T13:02:00.002-04:00

well, we decided to move forward with domestic adoption. and let me tell you, the scouting for a new agency was intense! i wanted all the cards on the table BEFORE we got started. my sis-in-law made some reconnoissance phone calls on our behalf, and i called several people who had worked with different agencies that had similar parenting beliefs to see how things had gone for them.

we wound up working with covenant care services out of macon, georgia. after about a year of working with them now, i can honestly tell you that they have been everything that our hearts were longing for on this journey. we finally had an advocate. we finally were partnering with an agency who had similar beliefs. when i read their statement of faith, i wept. seriously. wept. it was just so rich and deep and good. i cannot recommend them highly enough.

choosing to move from international to domestic adoption involved some new choices. jon and i had to think through things that we hadn't had to before. what kind of adoption did we want to have? open, semi-open or closed? what race of a child were we open to? and were we really ready to have a baby? whew. more stuff that penetrate through layers of junk in my heart. here we go.

the choice

2011-05-11T13:35:00.000-04:00

i don't want to spend any more time on this part of the journey. it was horrible. lots of tears. lots of agonizing. lots of praying. lots of conversations between jon and i. we tried changing how we parented while we were wrestling, and the negative effects on our children were obvious within a very short amount of time. so that was out. that left lying or parting ways.

i hate lying. i was the one in ethics class (the only one, i might add), who said that it was never right to lie. and in all honesty, after the conversation with the director that day, i cried buckets because deep in my heart, i knew we would part ways. i knew that the child that i had dreamed of, prayed for and longed for would not be. but we had to go through the wrestling.

many dear friends advocated lying or being evasive for the sake of saving a child's life. at the end of about three weeks of struggle, jon and i didn't feel like we could do it in good conscience before the Lord. i do not judge others for the decisions that they made in their adoption journeys. it just wasn't where the Lord led us.

in the midst of all of this agony, i started investigating other agencies that would help us continue our journey with adopting from the philippines. in the process of looking, i discovered a piece of information that had not been disclosed to us about the financial requirements. bottom-line, we did not meet those requirements to adopt internationally in 2010 because of the horrific year that jon had in construction the year before. we had no debt, but our income wasn't high enough in 2009. we could submit our application to the philippines working with another agency and hope that they would accept us, but they would have just cause to reject our application. at that point, we were out about $2,000. if we took the next step to send our dossier overseas, we would be out $10,000. it seemed foolish to us to put that much money out there when we didn't meet the guidelines. so after much prayer and many tears, the door to adopting from the philippines was closed.

when i tried to explain to people my grief, the best way i knew to explain it was that it felt like a miscarriage. there was a child that had been growing steadily in my heart that i would never hold. it was a tremendous loss for us.

now, we were faced with a new decision. was this the Lord telling us to stop? was He telling us to wait (until the end of 2010 so that our tax information would meet the criteria for international adoption) or were we to pursue domestic adoption?

enough with the decisions already!

the phone call

2011-05-10T13:19:00.000-04:00

in my proactive nature, i decided to call our agency to get their help in navigating what had happened during our first interview. i was thinking that they were our advocates and that i was safe. so, the next afternoon, when the girls were down for their naps, i called.

the first gal i talked to was precious. she totally affirmed me, and i really believed that we were going to make it through this hurdle. then she told me that she wanted me to talk to the director just to make sure that what she was telling me was accurate.

that's when i got blind sighted. the director freaked out. he wasn't okay with the decisions we were making. i was stunned. some of the things he said were directly against Scripture. i mean, totally against what the Word of God says. when i confronted him on his inconsistencies, he didn't have much of a response. i was burning bridges, but unwilling to let the truth of God's Word be twisted. i was crying through most of the conversation because i was so caught off guard. here was the man who i thought had our backs, so to speak, totally telling us that we either had to change the way we parented our children, or their agency would no longer be able to work with us. i was stunned. oh, i said that already, but you get the point.

now, we had to choose. we had three options. we could change. we could lie, or we could walk away.

the first interview

2011-05-09T13:00:00.002-04:00

so, where did we leave off? most of our paperwork was done. we were plowing through our dossier (the long list of paperwork needed for the philippines), and our homestudy paperwork was nearly finished as well (including a septic tank inspection). it was time for our first interview with our caseworker. since the agency we were using at that time was out of state, we had contacted a local agency to do the homestudy.

i felt tremendous pressure for these interviews. it felt to me like we were on trial. the verdict would be whether or not we were fit to be parents...which is a weird place to be when you are already parents. if they said, "no" what did that mean about who we are as parents now? i knew the truth that these interviews did not define my worth, but i also knew that they could stop the process for us.

most of you know too that i lay all my cards on the table. i am not good at being evasive or answering questions vaguely. i am horrible at those things. i tell the truth. the whole truth. and there are certain truths that are not spoken out loud in adoption circles. not without consequence. so, i was on pins and needles.

AND, to make matters even more interesting, the girls would be coming with us. jon and i agreed that we would give them no instruction or coercion on what to say or how to answer questions. we did not want them to feel like they needed to hide any part of our family life. there is nothing that they needed to be ashamed of (and there IS nothing that they need to be ashamed of). on the other hand, have you ever been around 2 and 5 year olds? there isn't much of a filter there. and 2 year olds aren't always known for their immense self-control in long meetings where they are to play quietly. just writing this down makes the stress roll over me again! i felt like we were going on trial and that every aspect of our parenting was going to be evaluated in that hour and a half.

now, i should clarify, no one at any point in time had told me that it would be like that. in fact, the opposite information was presented. we were told, "we just want a chance to get to know your family. we are here to help you through this process." however true that might have been, when someone is studying your every word and action and taking copious notes, it's hard not to feel scrutinized because they are indeed scrutinizing.

so we got to the meeting early and waited in this dimly lit swank waiting room. not super child friendly, but oh well. the girls did fine, and we waited to be called in. at last, it was our turn. the atmosphere felt similar to a counseling session with kids. that's the best way i know to explain it. questions were asked, and we did our best to answer them well. the girls were asked questions as well. they did great. we were almost done when the bottom dropped out.

abby was asked a question that she didn't understand. i rephrased it and she shared truthfully information that was not well received. i was (and am) very grateful that the caseworker did not let on to abby that she had said something potentially explosive, but she did look at us and say, "we will definitely be discussing that further in our next meeting."

i remember the conversation with jon in the car on the way home. i remember driving up 85 saying this, "i want an advocate! i feel like the birth mothers have an advocate and the children being adopted have an advocate, but who is fighting for us? who is helping us to wade through all of this!?" it wasn't that i didn't want birth mothers and children to have advocates. i do! they need them desperately. but so did we.

we left that interview knowing that we had a rough road ahead and feeling alone in the journey. not a fun place to end for today, but that's where we were then.

mother's day

2011-05-08T16:54:00.002-04:00

it is mother's day. what pressure for the husband to direct and instruct little ones to make it special! my favorite part of this day so far was the sweet hand written "happy mother's day" notes. abby's said, "hppy mother's day." and julia had written all the letters herself, except the "m"'s...because they are too hard for a child who is teaching herself how to write.

abby asked this morning what benjamin was getting me, and then filled in the blank with, "he's getting you the gift we got you too, right?" i feel so immensely grateful this day for the gift of being a mother. for tiny hands to hold. for chubby cheeks to kiss. for long eyelashes framing sparkling eyes. and for sweet, "happy mother's day" unprompted waking me up this morning from four year old lips. this is a gift. and a precious one at that.

one sweet reminder

2011-05-06T15:12:00.004-04:00

has it been two weeks since i've written? where have those days gone? oh yeah, the newborn coma phase passed and somebody has been a little needier. and how could i forget, we started back with homeschooling. the days roar by with barely a chance to blink, much less blog.

one fun story while the bottle warms. we got to go to the beach. not just any beach. we got to go to hilton head last weekend. which just happens to be our favorite place to go.

after a hard week of struggling to believe that God would meet our needs financially, He blew my socks off. my parents were planning on going with some friends of theirs, but due to unexpected health issues, their friends had to cancel. so on thursday, mom and dad invited us to join them the next day for four days, three nights at this GORGEOUS resort on the beach with 3 different pools-two heated. all it would cost us was the gas. jon and i talked. were we crazy to venture this kind of trip with a newborn (and while i had a sinus infection)? probably, but then we decided, why not!

oh, and then, when jon told his parents that we were going, they offered to pay for our gas. so our trip would only cost food (which we would have to eat anyway!) what a gift. i think God dumped it into my lap to remind me that He is provider. not just of my needs, but He blesses me far beyond my needs. we were going to try to go to the beach in the fall. it would have cost us more (obviously). where we stayed wasn't on the beach (but within walking distance). we wouldn't have had extra hands to help. the pool wasn't the best (and that was definitely the girls FAVORITE part of this trip). He just gave me more than i would have asked for. so so kind.

so hopefully, this weekend i can get back to telling our story. i just thought i'd let you know where i had been. :)

type of child desired

2011-04-22T16:21:00.001-04:00

the "type of child desired" forms were the hardest for me on so many levels. basically, these are the forms where you specify what you are and are not willing to accept. things like...

boy or girl

infant or older child

twins, triplets or more

siblings

emotional abuse

physical abuse

special needs

terminally ill children

because we were adopting from the philippines at this point, we didn't have to decide on race. that was decided for us. also, because we were adopting internationally, we didn't have to decide on an open or closed adoption (aka the type of relationship we would have with the biological parents). that too was decided for us.

however, those other questions were hard. what made them harder was that there was a yes, no or maybe column. you don't even want to know how many maybes we had.

there were two big things for me in this part of the process. the first was that i had to realize that God has not called us all to the same thing. not all of us are called by him to raise terminally ill children (yep, that was a question). and here's where i really started wrestling, i would not for a second ponder not having julia or abby in my life if they became terminally ill or somehow contracted HIV or were born with special needs or fill in another hundred scenarios we were having to evaluate. i would rise up (by His grace, of course!), and i would love my children. but choosing. choosing is hard. how do you say yes to one child in need and no to another? not to mention that i didn't know what half of the medical conditions were! (so grateful for great nurse friends!)

we prayed. we pondered. we thought practically: a child with legs in braces or in a wheelchair would necessitate us moving (our house isn't big enough for them to maneuver with any amount of ease). and then we thought about who God is (if He calls us to have a child in a wheelchair, He'll provide a bigger house). can you see the seesaw effect in our hearts. it was HARD.

where did we land? we said no to most major physical special needs. we said yes to most emotional special needs. and there were lots of maybes. i so so so wanted to say yes to everything, but that is not where we felt like He was guiding us. i still wrestle with feeling less than because of that, but good grief. i need to let it go!

which leads to the second thing that i learned. He said yes to everything on my list.

sassy-YES

migraines-YES

stubborn-YES

strong-willed-YES

thyroid issues-no problem

and not only that, my list was actually much much worse. when the God of the universe chose to bring me into his family, to adopt me and call me His own, the "type of child" that He desired was dead. nothing attractive. nothing desirable. no cute baby smile. just dead. and He said, "yes. i choose her."

and if that wasn't enough, the cost was so much greater. my adoption fees were astronomical. He had to give up His perfect, flawless Son's life to gain me. seems like a pretty lame trade. but man, He must have seen the potential of redemption. all glory to Him.

paperwork.

2011-04-21T13:30:00.001-04:00

paperwork.

yep. it's one of the things that deter people from adopting. everybody makes it sound terrible. and i'm not going to lie, there's alot of it. and there are a ton of questions that are hard. things like:

what is your first childhood memory?

describe your relationship with your parents and their personalities?

what reoccurring dream do you have?

what are your greatest strengths?

what are your greatest weaknesses?

i felt like i was auditioning for something, but i didn't know what the right answers were. there were things that we had learned to be vague about--like our discipline philosophy. the challenge for me was not to share more than i needed to. not to overanalyze. to just answer the stinking questions.

another challenge was making time. julia was 2. abby was 5. i was homeschooling for the first time. i was TIRED. when i did have down time, i didn't want to sit and fill out paperwork. i wanted to chill. so yeah, the paperwork took a long long time.

and then there was helping jon to answer his questionnaires. we found that if we sat and discussed the questions and i typed his answers, it went alot faster for him. one road trip, we got one whole section of questions done. such VICTORY!

probably the hardest paperwork for us though was the type of child desired forms. i'll talk about that more later. it deserves a post of its own.

then there is paperwork that is just tedious. doctor's visits for physicals. bank statements that have to be notarized. hoops to jump through. those didn't bother me as much. i like checking things off. so, it was just a matter of doing it. we were done with all of our paperwork by early spring of 2010. all that was left before we waited for our child was the homestudy interviews. the final hurdle!!

bonding, connecting and ownership

2011-04-20T20:54:00.002-04:00

i'm going to jump ahead to the now...mostly because these are the thoughts that swirl when there is a quiet moment (and since there are few of those these days, i try to make the most of them). writing helps me to process, and these are the things i am wrestling through.

connecting. what does it really mean to feel bonded to your child? to feel connected? to feel like you belong together? and why oh why do we put so much pressure on ourselves and each other for that to happen quickly?

i remember when abby was born, i was a mess. she was my first. she was an emergency c-section. it would take an hour and a half just to wake her up to eat. don't ask how long it took to get her to actually eat. i had mastitis. she had thrush...which she shared. are you getting the picture yet? it was rough. oh, and she was a screamer. probably caused by the constant yakking from her reflux. i remember dear friends coming in to cuddle my precious baby saying, "don't you love her like you've never loved anyone else before?" and i thought, "NO! i hardly know her. everything about her is HARD." i would just smile, and they filled in their own blanks. i loved her, but i wasn't gooey with love for her.

several weeks went by and i heard that same question over and over. finally, in the middle of the night as jon and i passed each other in the hall to trade shifts, i asked him, "do you love her more than you've loved anyone else before?" he said, "no." and i felt relief. utter relief that my amazing husband wasn't just oozing with love either. connecting to abs took time. we got there though.

when we talked about adoption, i knew that it was going to take time to feel connected. i wasn't going to have 9 months to get used to the idea of this person being a part of our lives. i wasn't going to feel them moving around inside of me. most of all, they weren't going to be (and here's the phrase that i am growing to despise more and more every. single. day.) "officially mine" for a long time. i was expecting it to be hard, but what i forgot about was the pressure that comes from feeling like i need to feel connected. both the internal pressure and the external pressure. am i making any sense at all?

i'll share more of our story with benjamin's birthmom later, but let's just put it simply for now. i adore her. absolutely wholeheartedly love that woman. when we went to see benjamin for the first time in the hospital, i wasn't his mom. she was. she had not signed her rights away. she was the one calling the shots on his circumcision timing and what formula to give him. i'm not trying to imply that there was any rudeness about her actions at all. it was simply the reality of the situation. the next day, when we went to get him, she had signed her rights over, but as we spent time with her in the hospital, there was still this huge need in my heart to honor her. to respect her freedom to change her mind. to let her be the mom while we were together. then we took him home.

on the way home, he started crying. i tried to comfort him in his carseat, but he didn't know my voice. it brought him no comfort. jon's voice would startle him into crying more. we came home and the girls were beyond excited. jon and i were emotionally toast. we were grieving deeply for his birth momma. i don't think it is possible to hold a woman who is sobbing as she hands you her child and not be shattered. and we were. utterly shattered.

congratulations were piling in, and we were thankful that people were excited for us. but we were sad. broken. and very aware that she could change her mind. i was living for the last 13 days in the tension of savoring every day as a gift knowing that i was by no means promised tomorrow with this precious boy (as is true for all things and people in our lives!) and trying to connect. to take him in as "mine."

through the wrestling, i feel like the Lord has been teaching me some things about ownership, connecting and belonging. and about love. i'll be honest though. i am very much at the beginning of both learning and processing these things. and i'm a bit raw. so please be gracious.

one of the biggest things that i am learning is that i am called to parent this precious boy today. God has given me today with him, and today, he is mine to love, to guide, to nurture and to take care of. there is grace for this day...and if he isn't mine a month from now, there will be grace then too. i must, must, must live in today though.

loving him is more than the melting feeling in my gut (which is a beautiful feeling, don't get me wrong). loving him is giving up sleep, shower and the ability to pee when i want to. loving him is holding him for seven hours straight because it gives him comfort when he is in pain (from constipation-no worries, he's fine). loving him is doing research on formula to find out what is best. loving him is praying over him. praying for his birth mom. loving him is choosing my words carefully when i share his story with others. those things are love. those things will connect my heart to him. serving him has and will continue to bond us.

God has chosen jon and i for this season of benjamin's life to guard and protect him. and for now, that is official enough. i know that probably sounds silly and obvious. but it has been a huge relief for me to realize that i was putting more stock in when the government said that he was ours then what God had called me today. again, emphasis on today.

so that's where i am now. still learning. still processing. bonding more and more with this beautiful boy every day.

agency #2

2011-04-20T13:30:00.000-04:00

i looked at steven curtis chapman's site to see what agencies they recommended. it was a long shot, i knew, but i needed help and was out of options. once there, i found an agency in north carolina. it was in a small town that i had been to many times to visit some dear college friends. their website said that they did adoptions in the philippines. i called and wound up talking to the director for about an hour...on my first call there. this was hugely significant after the experience i had just had. he had just returned from the philippines and had answers to questions that i had been dying for. he was encouraging, supportive and mostly available. so over the next week or two, we kept calling and asking more questions. we were thrilled to have somebody really helping us. we put down our deposit and got things rolling with them. it seemed to be a perfect fit.

changes

2011-04-19T13:30:00.000-04:00

***disclaimer: this was our experience and is no way meant to speak ill of anyone. we want to share our journey and what we learned from it. we know that others have had different experiences, and we are grateful for the ways that they have been helped and loved.***

we started with bethany in atlanta. starting the adoption process is like buying a house for the first time. i will never forget how overwhelmed i felt by all of the lingo and verbiage that was thrown around that i was somehow supposed to understand when we bought our house. interest rates, inspections, closing dates, countering an offer...i felt like i had been thrown into the deep end without floaties for the first time. the adoption world has its own rules and terminology. dossier, placement, background checks--all of these things that i had no idea what they meant, and i was supposed to get started on them. as the type A person in our marriage, i was in charge of paperwork. yes, there's alot of it. no, it's not horrible. it's mostly a matter of just doing it. which is the challenge. but i am digressing. i'll write more about paperwork later. basically, i was swimming in deep waters and really really wanted someone to coach me through the process. i wanted and needed an advocate. somebody who had our back.

our frustration with bethany was simple. nothing terrible, but frustrating nonetheless. they took days to return a phone call. sometimes longer. and these were for the very simple beginning questions that i had. it was obvious that we weren't going to get the kind of support that we wanted. i figured if it was this hard to find things out at the beginning, it would only be more frustrating as time went on. so after about a month or two of working with bethany, we decided to find another agency.

i remember feeling like time was slipping away. we had "a plan." we had a timeline. we knew when the paperwork needed to be done in order for us to be in the system to get a child by the time we thought would work best for our family. one thing that i have learned over and over in the past two years is that God will even use my procrastination for His purposes. He is the redeemer...the one who buys back what is broken, wasted, abandoned. and i am so glad.

so where to now? we were clueless. time to start looking for an agency again.

what agency? what country?

2011-04-18T13:30:00.000-04:00

at that time, we had three friends that we knew that had adopted children. two of those were international and one was domestic. so, we talked with them to see what agencies they had used. then we looked to see what countries the agencies worked with. from there, we narrowed it down to bethany here in atlanta. they were local, well reputed and were working in asia.

i went to a meeting at bethany here in atlanta and learned a ton about international adoption. funny side story, as i was walking into the meeting the strap on my flip flops broke off. nothing like feeling like a fish out of water (everyone was there with their spouse, and jon was home with the girls) with the addition of hobbling around trying to keep my flip flop somewhat connected to my foot! so anyway, i took the info home to jon. one of the great things that we gained from that meeting was that they had a detailed list of the countries' requirements. we were able to look at our requirements (we weren't able to leave the country for months at a time with jon's job and our small kiddos) and their requirements (at that time china required for you to make a base salary of $30k plus $10k for each child you had in your family plus the one you were adopting). by simply looking at those things, we were able to narrow the field significantly.

the philippines. it fit what we were looking for. the wait time for a child would coincide perfectly when jon would be finishing up school. it was one of the cheapest countries to work with. they had children to adopt that were ages 2-3 which was fine with us. we were fine with not having a baby (funny to look at now!) all of it seemed to make sense. and so we moved forward.

bethany looked good. the philippines looked good. we moved forward in faith trusting that the Lord knew the child he had for us and would get us where we needed to be when we needed to be there.

oh, and by this time it was september or october. narrowing these things down didn't take five minutes. :)

where to go?

2011-04-17T15:21:00.003-04:00

so once we decided to move forward, there were lots of questions.

international or domestic?

infant or older?

boy or girl?

special needs?

what agency to use?

and that list got longer the more we looked into things. alot longer.

our first decision was very simple. the conversation went like this. i said to jon, "domestic or international?" he said, "international." i agreed. then, i asked, "what continent?" asia was the logical choice for us as we both have been there and love it so. in about five minutes, we were moving forward to adopt from somewhere in asia.

now, i know that this sounds VERY unspiritual. and i'm going to be honest, it felt very unspiritual. there have been things that we have had to wrestle through on this journey, but i had to come to a place where i realized that i didn't have to wrestle through everything. every part of the journey didn't have to be agonizing. we were trusting that the Lord was leading and directing us--in fact giving our hearts the very desires themselves.

next step. agency.

the beginnings

2011-04-11T22:49:00.003-04:00

jon and i talked about adoption when we were dating. we both felt like it was something that we wanted to do. at some point, out there. after we got married, there was a time when we talked about becoming foster parents at one of the Chick-fil-A homes. we both realized quickly that we had neither the life experience or parenting know how to attempt that. so the dream lingered in the backs of our minds waiting for God to say, "now."

on july 4th, 2009, julia was two and napping. i had sat down to read my Bible and journal (one of my favorite ways of conversing with God) when julia woke up crying. she was two, but on that day she wanted to be held and rocked. so NOT the norm. as i was rocking her, i felt like the Lord said, "now. it's time to adopt now." at first, i protested. surely He wanted to talk about something else. surely we weren't going to begin this process now...not when money was tight and jon was getting ready to go back to school. wasn't i going to have more biological children? wasn't that where we were headed?

so while i rocked julia, we talked. i did alot of protesting, and He gently led me through each protest to show me that He would lead and guide. by the time julia had woken up, i was settled. and ready to tell jon. but it was the 4th of july. there was a family picnic and fireworks to go see. this wasn't going to be one of those, "oh by the way..." kind of conversations, but for those of you who know me, my ability to hold something like this in isn't great.

the next day, Sunday (yep, i waited one whole day), jon and i talked. i was fully prepared for him to be taken off guard (i certainly was). i was fully expecting him to put the brakes on the whole thing. i was fully expecting it to take him months to be ready. nope. he said, "wow. that's funny. because i feel like the past week, God has been telling me it's time too." and so, we began.

our journey

2011-04-10T11:12:00.004-04:00

i have been feeling this pressing need to capture our adoption story...our at least the last two years of it. to put these memories into ink before they fade into a fuzzy blur. i didn't feel compelled to write at all before now, but that has changed.

so in between school, diapers, burping and bottles, i want to spend the next few days (or weeks, perhaps?) writing down where the Lord has taken us. i want to stop and catalog his faithfulness in the midst of my many fears...even now. and i want to share with any of you who want to read more of our story. so, feel free to read along.

new dining room furniture!!

2010-07-11T19:23:00.005-04:00

my sweet sister gave me her old dining room table and chairs when jon and i got married. i loved them. they had character and were so pretty. but really, the set only allowed 4 to sit comfortably, 6 was a tight fit but somewhat doable. over the years as our family has grown, i have longed for a bigger table and prayed for one too. the ones that i saw in stores were completely out of my price range, and the ones that i saw at garage sales and flea markets were completely not my style. so, we waited.

and this february (or was it march??), God dropped a beautiful dining room table set into our laps for a song. except, it needed some work. it had potential, but if you know me at all, you can probably figure out that oak isn't my fave and leopard, giraffe and cow prints aren't my decorating style. the girls loved it though. and we were grateful for more room.

well, we have been talking about painting the table and recovering the chairs since march. first, it was too cold. then, too much pollen to do it outside. but at long last, it is getting painted.

my mom helped me to find some beautiful fabric last week, and i just learned how to use the staple gun tonight. it's fun, and addictive. i love power tools.

so with jon's painting magic and my reupholstering skills, here's the first chair completed.

and just in case you can't see the beautiful fabric, here it is up close. (did i mention that all fabric was 50% off when i went shopping? God is my provider.)

now, five more to go.

inspiration

2010-06-30T19:23:00.004-04:00

i saw this today. not only is this little girl precious, but i also fell in love with the bedspread. :) after a few e-mails with liz, the delightful friend of katie's, i found out that ikea, the land of wonder and cheap things, was the home of this textile. and so, we decided to replace this sad make-do "bedspread" that we had been using on julia's bed

(until momma can make you your own quilt like abby's):

with this beauty. (and what joy it brought to my sweet juju.)

and as an added bonus, ikea was offering free dinners for children with no purchase necessary. hello, lovely spontaneous evening. ended with the impossible to resist ikea cinnamon rolls.

our adoption journey so far...

2010-06-30T15:12:00.002-04:00

have i mentioned that we are in the adoption process. hard to believe that it was a year ago this coming weekend that the Lord first impressed on us that the time was NOW to move forward in this journey. everyone that i had talked to about adoption always complained about the mounds of personal information and paperwork required as being the hard part. that hasn't been the hardest part for me. (although, trying to find a few hours of quiet to answer questions like what kind of dreams do i consistently have? and what is my first memory as a child? can prove a bit challenging.)

the hard part for me has been examining my own heart. wrestling through issues that aren't talked about much in my circles. issues of race and culture and special needs kids. issues os money and faith. i am learning to listen to where the Lord is directing our hearts, and i am having my heart sifted. i have discovered fears, prejudices and anxieties that are not of the Lord in my heart and have had much room to repent...and to show that i am "changing directions" (the meaning of repent) by the boxes i check on endless forms.

we have been led clearly away from adopting from the philippines for now. we have found an agency that i am quickly falling in love with and are getting to start the process over with them. so instead of a 2-3 year old child from the philippines, it looks like we might be getting a baby from the states. only He knows. and man, what a comfort His sovereignty has been through the journey. i'll try to do better about letting you know where we are in the process, but i'm not making any promises. :)

not going to catch up

2010-06-30T14:51:00.002-04:00

catching up would be a joke. i'm not even going to try. but i did want to say this...

i married up. yesterday was a long day. a day where julia was exhausted and would fall to the floor sobbing every 5 minutes. yep, a long day. jon got home from working a 12 hour day and said to me, "why don't you clock out?"

i definitely married up.

yummy!

2009-10-31T11:25:00.000-04:00

homemade ice cream sandwiches were a much bigger hit with my girls than this yummy quiche...

oh well, i loved it.

aunt beth's gift

2009-10-30T11:18:00.000-04:00

my sister gave the girls a big bag of old ponytail holders. we're talking the old school kind. well, abby took one look at the bag and then ran to grab the picture of wendjina, our compassion child from haiti. "i want hair like hers!" and so, i began to braid, and braid and braid some more. for three days in a row, my abby wanted to be like wendjina. seeing as she felt rotten, i thought it was the least i could do.

what a man!

2009-10-29T11:10:00.001-04:00

two weeks ago (yes, i'm that behind on blogging my thoughts!), i came home from taking abby to and from ballet to find that my dear dear jon had swept and mopped my more than repulsive floors. he also documented julia's participation. that one act of kindness meant more than a dozen roses!!

goggles

2009-10-28T11:23:00.002-04:00

my girls have decided that goggles in the bathtub are great fun. cracks me up.

we makin' helpers!

2009-10-28T11:03:00.002-04:00

while julia and i were mixing something up the other day, she looked at me and said, "we makin' helpers!" i think she combined her thoughts. "i'm mommy's helper" and "we makin' pizza," but it hit me smack in the gut. all my frustrations at that moment of trying to get it done quickly was erased. this job of mine isn't to get the food in the oven. it's about makin' helpers.

out of the mouths of babes, yet again.

cooking marathon!! day two.

2009-10-11T14:56:00.004-04:00

well, day two didn't go as well as i hoped as i was knocked out by a migraine. however, i did get a good bit done. what never ceases to amaze me is how much i can cook in so little time with about the same amount of effort as making dinner! so per becky's request, here is a breakdown of what i did with details added. :)

1. Cooked my chicken. I took four packages of chicken breasts and put them in a big pot of boiling water with some celery and onions for about 25 minutes.

2. While the chicken was cooking, I put my cooked beans in the crockpot with all the other ingredients to make refried beans.

3. Then, I assembled my big bowl of veggies (one bag frozen peas, two cans of corn, one bag of frozen green beans and some chopped carrots) and got out four gallon sized bags which I labeled (8x8 chicken pot pie 10/2009).

4. By this time, the chicken was done. I pulled out my food processor and chopped up the chicken the same way that you would slice a cucumber with the food processor. I LOVE this method of "shredding/chopping" chicken as it is fast!

5. Assembly of the pot pie filling was next. I mixed the broth, cream of chicken and chicken. Then I used my measuring 2 cup and put in the veggies and chicken into each bag. I actually mixed them together in the bag with it sealed. I let all the air out and stack them flat. When they sit in my freezer, I will actually store them upright like files (once they are frozen) so that I can easily flip through and see what I have.

6. I assembled the poppyseed chicken casseroles next in pretty much the same manor as the pot pies.

So at this point, I had 8 square casseroles made and frozen and two bags of 2 cups shredded chicken plus a bag of celery that I had flash frozen and bagged for later. Not to shabby for a little less than two hours of work.

Insert nap.

My beans were done cooking, out came the food processor from the dishwasher (man, got to love that invention!) and within minutes, I had 16 cups of refried beans (see earlier post about my underestimation of how much beans you can make with six lbs of beans!)

Last but not least, I assembled the super delicious brown bag burritos. The only thing I change in this recipe is that I use about 1/3 cup of the mixture per burrito instead of her recommended 1/4 cup. We love these burritos!

Thus ended the second day of cooking. I just found out that my Bible Study for tomorrow morning has been canceled. So, I just might get the rest of my list finished tomorrow! I'll let you know if I do. Plus, major thanks to my Jon who helped occupy the girls for the second half of my cooking day and who washed more than one pot for me in the last few days. Thanks babe!

cooking marathon!! day one. beans.

2009-10-10T14:11:00.004-04:00

okay, i'm in the midst of a cooking marathon! with our schedule getting fuller, i need some food that i can pull out of the freezer and just pop in the oven. last friday night, i made 3 meatloafs and 2 lbs of meatballs in just a little over an hour which inspired me to take on a bigger chunk of time to make more.

yesterday and today i have a long list of what i want to accomplish:

cut and freeze celery (from the produce co-op)

broccoli-some for now and some to freeze

cook beans-some to freeze for winter soups, some for refried beans

chicken pot pie

poppyseed chicken

brown-bag burritoes

chopped chicken

blueberry muffins (?)

lettuce prepped for week ahead

well, yesterday, i started on the beans. i have never made dry beans before. i was inspired by moneysavingmom who bought 6lbs of dried beans for a mere $6 at sam's. she showed that she had 5, 2 cup containers of beans. i was thinking that for all those beans, she sure didn't have alot. but i started working.

first, i soaked my beans. they kept expanding. i kept having to add more water and pull out more pots to put the beans in that were overflowing. by the time they were done soaking, i had 2 crockpots, 1 stock pot and my two largest cooking pots FULL of beans. i have not 10 cups of beans...oh no. i have 60 cups of beans. yes, 6. 0. sixty. good grief!! pretty hilarious. so, now i know about how to make beans. :) and now, i'm going to learn how to make refried beans. anybody need some beans??

(this is less than half of the beans that are cooked!)

today has already gotten off to a better start. i'll let you know how it all winds up.

thrifty thursday is BACK!

2009-10-08T14:49:00.004-04:00

okay, i've got a great one for you!!! ted's montana grill is giving away certificates for free lunches. really, it's super easy. and you can get EIGHT! you take their little quiz (there is a new clue each tuesday and friday-and remember google is your friend!) and then they will e-mail you a certificate for a free $8 lunch off of their new lunch menu. i got my first certificate this week and it doesn't expire until 11/29. not too shabby. just look for the link to discover ted's 8 wonders and win.

anyone want to go to lunch?

for my aunt gene

2009-10-06T19:17:00.002-04:00

when we went to prattville this summer, my aunt gene taught my girls this song...

julia first.

notice the intensity of concentration as abby sings and wants to get the motions just right.

and our MANY attempts of both of them together always resulted in madness. like this.

flooding in lilburn

2009-09-21T22:15:00.003-04:00

it's been a very surreal day. if you aren't in atlanta, i'm sure you're hearing about all the flooding. and wow. it's flooding. like real genuine flooding....in my sweet little lilburn. surreal.

after being awake from 2:30-4am because of very intense thunder which of course woke up the girls, i finally caught a few hours of sleep only to wake up to jon telling me that my parents had an oak tree fall on their garage.

their cars were completely trapped under the tree and their was another tree blocking the end of their driveway. so off we went to help out where we could. we had to take the circuitous route to avoid flooded rivers (when do you get to every use "circuitous" in a sentence??). on the way home, more flooding. houses with three feet of standing water outside of them. longer route. and we arrived home to find out that our dear next door neighbors basement office flooded and they lost everything. heart breaking.

but i've just been reminded today that it is stuff. it is hassle. it is heart wrenching. and yet there are glimpses of glory. my sweet abby wanted to give her money to her nonnie and papa to help pay for their repairs. it was the first thing out of her mouth. amazing. i see people serving each other selflessly. my husband laboring in the pouring rain to put a tarp on his in-laws roof because he loves them. kindness.

makes me thankful for the things i so often take for granted. things that so many in this world don't have. a warm bed. a dry house. a house stocked full of food. and sweet friends and family to help in the hard seasons.

don't know where to start...

2009-09-20T15:04:00.002-04:00

so, i've decided that i want to start blogging again, but it is hard to know where to start. facebook has become such an easy way for me to share my random thoughts lately that i had abandoned this old blog. but some things take more than a status update. like this--we've decided to move forward with adopting a child.

most of you already know this, but in case you don't, let me fill you in. jon and i have always had a heart for adoption. always knew it would be in our future, but assumed that it would just be somewhere out there--in the future. well, on the 4th of july, in the midst of some prayer time, i really sensed the Lord leading me that the time was now. i was rather blown away...i wasn't even talking or thinking about adoption. but there it was, and it was unavoidable. well, after praying and pondering, i went to jon. i fully expected him to say, NOT NOW!! instead, his response stunned me. he said, "that's interesting because the last few days, i feel like the Lord has been leading me in the exact same direction." now those kind of conversations might be the norm in your household, but they are not the norm in mine. when we talked, it became apparent that our hearts were both set on adopting from asia. and so we began to investigate agencies.

fast forward to now. after a few months of gathering info, we have moved forward with one agency only to realize they weren't the one for us (it would take them on average 2 weeks to respond to our basic questions!) so, now we are moving forward with a new agency out of matthews, north carolina. interesting that the agency we found just happens to be where 4 of my dear friends live. hmmm. coincidence, i think not. we should get the paperwork this week and begin the application process.

now let me just tell you, this is a HUGE faith journey for us. in so many ways. one of the biggest is the financial realm. so, i want to just share this journey with you--so that when we get to the end of it, we can all stand in absolute awe of the God who is able to do immeasurably more than we can ever think or imagine. i continually, daily remind myself that if he has called me to it, he will provide for it.

so there ya have it. how's that for diving back into blogging!?!

to blog or not to blog

2009-09-03T22:58:00.003-04:00

so, is there anyone still out there that wants to know what's going on in our lives? i keep debating whether or not to start blogging again. it takes time (which is a precious commodity these days), but i like the scrapbook essence of it all. so, who is still out there?

one more bite

2009-03-26T18:54:00.003-04:00

my girls are VERY motivated by music. every night after baths, they dance to "baby, baby" by amy grant. we are singing constantly.

well, we have found an interesting way to get them to eat foods they aren't thrilled about. if i start making up some silly song, their interest grows. they want to hear the rest of the song. but i won't sing any more of it until someone eats a bite. tonight, they both ate a ton. and i got to create a very silly song about princess julia and princess abby. ridiculous, i know. but every once in awhile, it works!

thrifty thursday--too good to wait!

2009-02-23T21:13:00.002-05:00

in honor of my sister's birthday, ihop has decided to give away FREE pancakes on tuesday, february 24th from 7AM to 10PM. a short stack per person. so happy birthday laura! more details here.

and i MUST tell you about this new blog that i am currently amazed by... southernsavers.com. i have been checking out the deals she posts, and tonight, i made a purchase that would even make becky k. proud. all the groceries below for FREE. that's right, folks. i paid 44 cents in tax. that's all. and i got:

8 boxes of green giant frozen veggies

6 cans of organic tomato sauce

6 cans of progesso soup

1 bottle of motts for tots juice (it was the penny mystery coupon at publix)

yes, this took some work. i had to go to my parents to use their computers to print out more coupons. but an hour of work for over $40 of groceries isn't too shabby, if i do say so myself. :)

so check it out, southernsavers.com.

no more campesinos...

2009-02-22T12:19:00.005-05:00

i have a confession. i am addicted to bean dip. it is my comfort food of choice, and i know that it will be healthier and more abundant in heaven than it is here. i mean, i really love this stuff. my favorite version of it is from a mexican restaurant five minutes away called campesinos. so good. the last time i went in, they brought me my bean dip with jalapenos before i ordered. yep, i'm addicted. here is the sad news (but good news for our hurting budget!), campesinos is MOVING! much cause for alarm when the news was first received. after careful research, we have learned that they are moving across the street but would be closed for 2 whole months. can you believe it? devasting. so what's your addiction?

oh, and this clip shows how like all good mothers, i am passing on my addiction to my children. :)

from the GRE to frozen foods...

2009-02-22T12:13:00.002-05:00

no posts lately because i have been B. U. S. Y. jon is in the home stretch of preparing for the GRE (test date-this wednesday) and getting his portfolio ready to submit by march 2nd. so, i have been pretty much doing it all while he studies, paints, studies, takes pictures, studies, goes to prep classes and studies some more.

i would appreciate your prayers for my jon this wednesday. we would love for him to score a 1030 on the GRE so that we could be done with this chapter of the journey--cue background music, whitney singing, "there can be miracles, if you believe...though hope is frail, it's hard to kill..."

in the meantime, we're still here. i had a baking day yesterday at my parents house (they have a bigger kitchen and were willing to help with the girls! thanks, mom and dad!!) and made oodles of breakfast hot pockets for jon to have a quick, high protein breakfast. it was a new recipe for me, but i think they turned out fairly well. i am trying to pack out my freezer with yummy things for days when i don't want to cook. any suggestions?? what have you made that freezes well??

a new table

2009-02-05T16:56:00.000-05:00

i have a camera with easily accessible pictures--which means greater ease in blogging and thus, more posts!

i thought i'd share this fun idea. abby has room time every day where she plays quietly in her room. she used to have a table in her room where she would sit and color, but alas, the table was needed in the playroom. abby didn't have anywhere to put puzzles together or color. jon has mentioned several times that he had a piece of plywood that went under his bed when he was little that had trains on it. maybe it is because his bed is now abby's that this idea came to me. a piece of plywood with wheels. abby loves it. julia loves it. and i love that it keeps her occupied AND that it slides under her bed when not in use. hip hip hooray for a husband who is able to build and scraps that made this project cost not a penny!

thrifty thursday-freezer edition

2009-02-05T14:05:00.002-05:00

i am in the process of discovering a new way to be thrifty--utilizing my freezer to build in convenience without the price and preservatives of frozen foods. let me explain.

one tip that i keep reading about on money saving blogs is to double or triple recipes and then freeze the extras. i have seen this, but haven't quite figured out how to apply it. so this month, i have been trying it out. here's what i've done.

1. i had a bag of potatoes on their way out. i was trying a twice baked potato recipe and decided to make ALL of the potatoes. we had some for dinner, and i froze the rest. they were a fabulously easy addition to dinner later (and even my whole lunch one day) when i was tired and didn't feel like whipping up something amazing.

2. i doubled a batch of homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. i made one tray full for immediate consumption-yum, and froze the rest. we've been eating warm cookies fresh from the toaster oven for snacks. not healthy, but oh so good. :)

3. i cut up some bananas that were going bad and froze them to use in smoothies later.

4. my banana bread recipe makes two loaves. i normally give one away and we eat the other, but this time i froze it. it was just as good thawed as it is fresh baked.

5. this is a standard one for us, cook meat and chicken in bulk and freeze. jon ever so graciously will brown 10+ lbs of ground beef at once and then we put it into freezer bags--dividing it into 1lb portions. when i'm cooking anything with ground beef, i just pull out the bag the night before and it saves the hassle of browning. i've started cooking several packages of chicken at the same time and chopping them up to use later in casseroles or chicken pot pies. again, saves time and makes me more likely to cook. it also saves money as i only buy meat and chicken when they are on sale.

6. last night, i made a poppyseed chicken casserole. normally, we would eat the leftovers, but our fridge is stocked full right now, so i only cooked half of the casserole and put the other half in the freezer to use later.

now, you might be wondering about HOW to do all of this. if you have specific questions, let me know, and i'll detail the hows. i have found that google is invaluable in figuring out how to reheat frozen foods--or if they will even freeze and reheat well. so, use your freezer. save money and time!

i love my abby

2009-02-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

abby LOVES to celebrate. anything, everything. she is a true extrovert, and a lover of all things that relate to parties. i saw this idea on my new favorite crafty website, little birdie secrets and thought abby would love it. i was right. she loved it, so much so that we had to make one to share in addition to the one that we made for our house. what i didn't realize was that this project was way beyond abby's skill level. and that meant that i had to make two of these on my own. i was done after spending 6 hours or so on the first, but pressed on to finish the second...because i love my abby. and these things are important to her.

for becky

2009-02-02T12:00:00.001-05:00

becky, i hope you like your monkey. i love it.

while i was sleeping

2009-02-01T13:29:00.004-05:00

jon very graciously allows me to sleep in on saturdays. it is a gift that i am immensely thankful for. so this morning, when i was taking some pictures with our new camera (thanks mom and dad!), i noticed this video clip from yesterday. the girls are both in abby's pj pants, leotards and tutus. hilarious! jon said he didn't even notice julia crashing into the chair.

life changes

2009-01-23T08:34:00.002-05:00

in other big news, jon went and observed an elementary school art class last week...and he absolutely loved it. so after praying about this decision for months, we have decided to move forward with him going back to school to get his masters so that he can teach.

as a result of his wanting to go back to school and our desire not to take out loans if at all possible, we had come to the conclusion that now would be a good time for me to get a night job of some sort to help store up some income for the forthcoming season of need. :) we were praying, soliciting the prayers of others and beginning to do some research. and in one of those super kind moments from the Lord, he dropped something into my lap that is better than i could have asked or imagined.

one of our neighbors that i like alot and really have wanted to get to know more just had a baby two months ago. she is helping to put her hubby through seminary, and so she has to finish out teaching this year. they have childcare for baby evan for every day except monday and some tuesdays, and so she called me on tuesday to find out if i would be willing to do it. now, i definitely don't know how to wait tables or tutor kids in calculus, but i do know how to take care of a baby. :) so my new job will begin at the beginning of march. isn't the Lord sweet to allow me to have a job i can do and still stay home with my kiddos (what i want to do)? and not only that, but allow me to work for a family that i wanted to get to know more anyway?? so good. He is so good.

we're on board at learning express!

2009-01-23T08:27:00.001-05:00

big news around here, and lots of it! last week, after some relatively painless negotiations, the learning express (an upscale toy store with super creative toys) in our area agreed to sell jon's paintings. this is a huge answer to prayer as we have longed to find a place to display his art. hip hip hooray!

and like any proud wife, i had to pop into the store after they got their display up and grab a photo. his artwork is displayed right behind the check-out counter where it is pretty impossible to miss. doesn't it just make you grin?

sweet sisters

2009-01-13T09:52:00.004-05:00

this is how my girls watched sesame street this morning.

does it get any sweeter?

thrifty thursday on a friday night!

2009-01-09T22:22:00.004-05:00

my dear friend zoe sent me an e-mail today with this deal, and i cannot wait to pass it on! if you live anywhere around atlanta, this is a steal of a deal.

the georgia aquarium, which is amazing if you haven't been, is offering this great deal. in their own words...

Me & Mommy $20 Ticket! For only $20, the Me & Mommy ticket includes Aquarium admission for one adult, free admission for children age 5 and under (maximum four children per paid adult) and free parking ($10 value). This offer is valid Monday-Friday, now through March 31, 2009, and can only be purchased online. Blackout dates are Dec. 26 and Dec. 29-31, 2008. You also have to bring the little ones along to take advantage of this great offer. So take a day and come see everything at the world's largest aquarium, big (beluga whales, whale sharks!) and small (clownfish!).

amazing as an adult ticket alone is $26.50, a child's ticket (ages 3-12) is $19.50 and parking is $10. so this is a steal of a deal. if you need to borrow a kid to make this deal work for you, let me know and come along with me and the girls!

friday night fun!

2009-01-03T08:51:00.005-05:00

have you noticed the lack of family friendly primetime tv? there is not ONE show that i would sit and watch with my girlies (and no, we don't have cable which does limit our options). i have such fond memories of sitting around and watching the cosby show, family ties, growing pains and the likes with my fam. so, this christmas we got season one and two of little house on the prairie dvds from our parents. and now, on friday night, we load up on the couch and watch a new episode. abby gets a little scared at the climatic moments (oh the dramatic music!!) and julia loves all the "horsies!" i just love having all four of us crammed onto a love seat eating popcorn and enjoying something fun together.

what was your favorite show growing up?

clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere...

2009-01-01T14:43:00.004-05:00

there is something about this time of year that makes me want to clean, eliminate clutter and organize (which includes LOTS of rearranging). apparently, i am not alone. however, julia was not so excited about my putting away the christmas decorations...

and i am stuck. my brain loves to figure out creative storage solutions that actually work for me and for my fam, but i have come across an organizing dilemma-that feels like way to strong of a word for something that is merely organizational in nature. nevertheless, i can't figure out how to store the girls puzzles and games. a bookshelf seems like the obvious answer, but julia is at that stage where everything in sight gets pulled out and taken apart. nightmare. we have this shelving system from ikea which i adore and highly recommend. however, it doesn't hold the bigger, oddly shaped puzzles. hmmmm....

any suggestions?

potato sack races

2008-12-15T18:38:00.004-05:00

we have had an amazingly good day. abby's behavior, although not perfect, was the best it has been--maybe ever. she was a complete delight to be around. and after 10 days of sick, whiny kids, it was positively refreshing. in the midst of changing all the sheets in the house--goodbye germs!--abby decided to have a potato sack race, with pillowcases. of course, julia wanted to join in the fun. i didn't know how that was going to go as julia can't exactly jump, but they had a blast giggling and "jumping" through the house. i'll have to file this away as a good way to get rid of some of that excess winter energy.

old pillows, new look

2008-12-15T18:32:00.003-05:00

old pillow

new pillows! (front and back)

my amazingly talented big sis helped me pick some fabric a few months back for pillows in my living room. i didn't get to make them then because life was consumed by lilburn daze...but at long last, the pillows got made this weekend. i LOVE them. and instead of buying stuffing for the pillows, i just used my old pillows. use what you've got, right?

Six by the Blue Hutch

2008-12-07T22:57:00.003-05:00

So, I've been tagged! I've never been tagged. I feel like I got asked to sit at the table with the cool kids. The funny thing is that Becky thought I would already know my answers. NOT. I'm going to quit trying to plan out my best, most witty response and just go with what hits me now. :)

Six Things I Value:

1. my family. can't imagine what my life would be like without them. don't want to.

2. the truth.

3. bean dip and a good brainless tv show.

4. a hot bath and a good book.

5. friends who love me as i am and are willing to get in my stuff.

6. Jesus. not last, just all encompassing.

Six Things I don't Support:

1. bad customer service.

2. low rise jeans. yes, i wear them, but isn't there some alternative between mommy jeans, me feeling fat in mid-rise jeans and being a plumber if i'm not careful. good grief!

3. people who don't listen well...which means, i don't support myself sometimes.

4. santa. i'm not against him, we just don't "do" santa.

5. fits of all shapes and sizes thrown by my precious angels.

6. lying. yeah, hate it.

Six people I tag (and give something else to put on their to-do list during this already full season--sorry!)

1. Marci

2. Sara

3. Stacey

4. Lisa

5. Liz

6. Leah

what do you value or not??

room time + scissors = bad hair day (or month!)

2008-12-06T19:07:00.003-05:00

SandersDesigns

2008-12-05T13:40:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to let you all know that Jon's Etsy Shop is up and running. Tell your friends, your family, your co-workers...you could even tell your enemies-we don't care. I just want to see his artwork going to make others homes happy!

So go check it out!

http://sandersdesigns.etsy.com

ge--we bring good things to light

2008-12-01T14:17:00.003-05:00

after 2 hours on the phone today trying to track down lightbulbs for my kitchen (ge has decided to quit making them), i wound up talking to a guy right here in gwinnett at a warehouse not far my house. well, in the midst of our conversation, abby came in prompting a "go back to your room, rest time is not over" comment from me. at this point, he comments that i must be a stay at home mom. why yes. his next comment got me sassy, "that must be nice. you don't have to do much, just cook and clean and stuff." you can imagine the fire in my belly. i reigned it in and replied with a mere, "you don't have children do you?" and yes, the tone was sassy. he didn't. anyone surprised? the conversation that followed shocked me though. he said that he didn't want to bring children into a world like this. i get that. it's a crazy, psycho world. i said that i would feel the same way if i didn't have hope.

he asked me, what gave me hope. no politically correct answer here.

Jesus.

what proceeded from there was quite an interesting conversation with a sales rep right around the corner from my house. coincidence that none of the other people i called had what i needed? i don't think so. coincidence that i have been pondering john 16:33 lately. nope. and all to think this came about because they quit making my lightbulb...

our new thanksgiving tradition

2008-11-30T19:18:00.002-05:00

is it just me or does thanksgiving seem to get blown by in the rush to get to christmas? last year, as i was thinking about ways to create traditions for thanksgiving for our little family (since we never celebrate it at our house), i had this idea of making a thanksgiving tree. it would be a big, fall tree that we could add leaves to each year. well, it didn't happen. but i was determined to do it this year. so after much wailing and gnashing of teeth (on my part!), jon and i got our corduroy tree cut out and our leaves purchased from bed, bath and beyond (they are parchment paper). the idea is that each year, we will each get a leaf to write our names, the year and what we are thankful for. over the years, our tree will get fuller and we will have a living reminder of God's faithfulness to us in the past. pretty fun! gotta love it when the Lord gives you a good idea that works for your family. it was great sitting and writing down what abby said she was thankful for--good to share too what we were thankful for.

turkey cookies!

2008-11-26T15:14:00.002-05:00

yes, we're making cookies. hope you are having as much fun...more, actually (as jon and i wound up finishing these up when abby burned out.)

happy thanksgiving from our family to yours!

melanie would be proud

2008-11-23T18:30:00.002-05:00

tonight, i made biscuits. from scratch. without using bisquick. and they were good. very good.

yes, i had to google how to cut in butter (as i at least intuitively knew that didn't mean just literally cutting up butter and putting it the flour). and yes, i used a potato masher to cut in the butter (because it was the closest thing i had to the tool that the they used). yes, i used a glass for my rolling pin, and a smaller glass for my "2.5 inch biscuit cutter." and yes, they still worked. hip hip hooray. i feel like a rock star...well, maybe that's not a good analogy. now, if i can just learn how to make white gravy.

and mel, all i could think of was watching you make biscuits. it didn't look nearly as messy, and you didn't seem nearly as stressed out as i felt! one day, i will be as martha stewart as you are. a girl can dream, can't she?

my heart is sad

2008-11-10T13:45:00.005-05:00

i've been wanting to blog about wendjina, our compassion child. she's five and from haiti. abby loves writing her letters. she loves getting letters from her too. wendjina has helped ALL of us remember how much we have to be thankful for.

she entered our family this spring, after i saw a youtube video of people in haiti that were so starved for food that they were making cookies out of mud to at least fill their bellies. it broke my heart. i showed it to abby. we decided that if we have money to go out to eat ever (and we do), then we needed to take action. wendjina was the child we chose. her picture captured me.

so today, we got a letter from her. it was newsy at first, and then halfway through, i found myself sobbing as i read out loud to abby,

she tells you during the time of the hurricanes it was not good for the family at all because alot of damage were caused where she lives. her parents lost all that they had. now they are living in neighbor house. she tells you the vacation did not bring joy to her. she live a expensive life. despite all God does not leave her. she tells you she loves you....

they lost everything. their meager bit is gone. and i'm making christmas lists. maybe the best thing we can do this year is give. not more stuff to each other, but give things that will really make a difference...like food, water, malaria shots. the list goes on and on. one opportunity is to donate $5 to soles4soles. for five bucks, you can provide two pairs of shoes to people who have never had shoes. can you imagine never having shoes? ever? i'm going there now to donate. and then calling compassion to see how we can help wendjina's family. who needs another sweater for christmas? i don't.

practicing for halloween

2008-10-30T14:17:00.002-04:00

abby is in her room, practicing for tomorrow night. to say that she is excited about trick o' treating would be an understatement. it combines all of her favorite things--dress up, candy, people, family time, being outside and more people. she is planning on being a ballerina. who rides her bike from house to house. nice.

well, today, to get a kick start on the main event, we got a phone call from our pharmacist. the one we adore who we got to know so well during my years of migraines. we haven't seen him in awhile, and he called to tell me that he had treat bags made for each of the girls. and the bags were made with careful thought as to what julia could eat and what abby could eat. okay, that is just flat precious. makes me glad that we "do" halloween. makes me thankful for community. something about people loving my kids makes me dewy. so here are the girls with their individual bags of loot. not exactly sure how i feel about the stuffed ghost, but oh well!

abby and the ocean

2008-10-29T22:23:00.006-04:00

my big girl loved the ocean (julia wanted nothing to do with the overwhelming ocean and freezing breeze. within 10 seconds on the beach, she was "all done. all done!")

see her sprinting toward the water...fully clothed.

she's in. and amazed. delighted...

and freezing.

but there was no getting her out. not with her daddy by her side.

she even got her nana and grammy to come out and build in the sand.

the next morning while i was packing, she and her daddy went out one last time....

early thrifty thursday--this is AMAZING!!

2008-10-21T20:54:00.004-04:00

okay, this is an amazing deal. you basically can get 12 burgers and any $12.99 item from OMAHA STEAKS for a mere $1.98.

link here for the details...

and if you would, on her step 2 link, could you replace it with this one instead so that i get the credit? THANKS!

oh, and it took me 6 hours to get my code from the first link. just a heads up, but this does work!

------------

i got this e-mail tonight...so, no combining deals

Dear AMY SANDERS

Thank you for shopping at Omaha Steaks! We appreciate your business and

are confident you will be delighted with your order.

We do show when placing this order, a special offer for a free item was

combined with the $25 reward card. As stated in all promotions for free

items, offers cannot be combined. Your order will ship without the free

item.

SORRY!!!

movies and games?

2008-10-21T18:44:00.002-04:00

we are leaving for vacation on thursday...going with the girls, my parents and jon's parents to lovely hilton head. i'm excited, ready for a getaway, but the endless details to get our family ready makes me remember why we don't travel more. :)

anyway, i'm writing to see if you have any recommendations for GAMES or MOVIES. i'm fresh out of ideas, and i would love some fun games to play with the adults after the kiddos go to bed. a movie would be nice too. so, ideas people...give me your ideas. please!

join me in my one woman crusade

2008-10-20T13:18:00.002-04:00

okay, has anyone noticed how horrifically frightening the halloween displays are this year at your local grocery stores, pharmacies and the likes? it has gotten to be a bit over the top. there was but one store in our errands that we ran today where abby didn't have to close her eyes. i mean, good grief, last week, i had a nightmare. i have gotten fed up. i'm all for some good time celebrating, and please, feel free to decorate, but this is just downright frightening. so, i'm on a one woman crusade. every store that had yucky decor got a request for the manager from me today. then, i just informed them of how frightening their ghouls and hellish skeletons are to my children AND me. i then asked them if they could consider keeping it all on one aisle instead of making the local walgreens a frightfest! and to the stores that did well, that tastefully kept their horror to one location making it easy to avoid and easy for my child to relax, i said thanks. because i don't want to be ungrateful when stores do something well.

what about your area of the world? is it as horrible there as it is in good ol' gwinnett? and anyone want to join the crusade??

more pretty pendants...for the little ones!

2008-10-17T14:12:00.002-04:00

y'all are the best! thanks to you, i might not be stuck with millions of pendants with no home but abby's room. here are what's left of the little girl pendants. oh, and don't forget, you can choose a zipper pull or a ribbon to go with the pendant. all for $3. and we do paypal too! feel free to spread the word...i think these would make a great stocking stuffer!

sandersdesigns@bellsouth (DOT) net

pretty scrabble tile pendants

2008-10-14T22:50:00.004-04:00

ignore the messy desk which i just drew your attention to...ha!

so, here are the adult scrabble tile pendants i have left. if you are interested and want an up close and personal look, let me know and i can e-mail you a picture of the individual one. and each one of these is $4 (comes with your choice of a ribbon or zipper pull-aka key chain loop). if i can get my wits about me, i'll get a picture of the children's ones tomorrow.

sandersdesigns@bellsouth (DOT) net

a sale!!

2008-10-13T12:59:00.008-04:00

don't you love bargains? i do. so if you want a great deal, snatch up one (or more!) of these paintings before they go full price on etsy. that's right, for the next two weeks, i'm going to let you faithful blog readers have a chance to order our craftiness for a discounted price! don't forget, you can have any of these personalized for free! so here's what's for sale...

Personalized Butterfly 12x16 $25

"Once upon a time there lived a princess named..." 16x20 $45

2 Canvas Flower 2-11x14 $40

Up to Mars 16x20 $65

Personalized Flower 11x14 $25

Soccer Ball 18x18 $65

Baseball 18x18 $65

Retro Flower 20x20 $45

Elephant 12x12 $35

Lion 12x12 $35

(there's also a monkey in this set that sold, but Jon can paint it again if you want a set of three)

Ambulance 12x16 $45

Mr. Turtle 11x14 $35

Worm and Apple 20x20 $60

and jon is now taking custom orders as well. so shop away!!

i also have oodles of napkins and pendants left. so, if you are interested, let me know. napkins will be $4/set of children's ones and $6/set of adult. i've still got lots of fun patterns left! pendants will be $3/kids and $4/adults. i'll try to get pictures of those soon.

just e-mail me your order at sandersdesigns@bellsouth (DOT) net

wrapping it all up

2008-10-12T20:40:00.005-04:00

i don't even know how to begin to sum up our experience at lilburn daze. such a small event, but i feel like the Lord taught me alot through it. everyone wants to know how we did financially-what's the bottom-line. (and they probably want to know because i kept asking people to pray that things would sell!) we definitely broke even. jon sold 6 paintings there and 6 to his parents. (got to love parental support.) the pendants-which i did not enjoy making, were a smashing success.

the best part though was the shift in my heart a few days before. i sensed the Lord reminding me that life isn't all about making money. yeah, it's necessary, but not central. so, my heart's desire shifted from selling to loving people. and it was a great day. we had a very angry woman in the booth next to ours. listening to the way she talked to those working with her in the predawn morning made me yearn to be kinder to everyone--even when i'm stressed. the wind was probably the most stressful aspect of the day. the paintings kept flying off. lovely. "come to our booth where you'll get knocked in the head!" nice. jon came to the rescue with his drill and some zip strips and magically attached the paintings. i was very thankful.

i think that about sums it up. a good day with my hubby. a good start to selling his paintings. and an end to the making of napkins for me! (i made 70 sets-sold 4!) thank you all for your encouragement and prayers.

and we'll have more exciting news about jon's art soon....

and the winner is....

2008-10-12T10:44:00.002-04:00

(chosen randomly of course)

becky kicklighter!! congrats friend...just get in touch with me to pick your painting.

because i'm so thankful for everyone's help, i picked TWO MORE winners. so melanie z. and lubee (aka my lil' sis), you guys can choose a necklace or some napkins.

thank you all. i'll post later today about the whole experience.

the big day

2008-10-10T22:20:00.002-04:00

lilburn daze is, oh 11 hours or so away from starting. we have to be there at 6:30am to set up...which should be totally illegal. i think we've got most everything mapped out as far as the set-up goes. and now, i'm tired and antsy. it's the same feeling that i used to get the night before summer camp. excited. nervous. anxious to know what was going to happen. how was it all going to play out.

i want to thank all of you for giving us so much feedback and help in this little journey of ours. if you get this tonight or on saturday, feel free to pray that we would be able to connect with people and love them well without selfish desire for our own gain. that's where i want my heart to be.

i'm off to (hopefully) sleep!

rocket ships, lions and castles

2008-10-04T17:38:00.004-04:00

here are some of the paintings my super talented hubby has prepared for lilburn daze...what do you think??

what would you pay-round two!

2008-10-02T23:23:00.003-04:00

we are hitting the home stretch...it is like cramming for finals with kids in tow. good grief! lilburn daze is a week away. and when it is done, i will blog about fun things again...like abby's first bike, the fair, jon and my trip to six flags. the possibilities are endless. but for now, i need your help again.

so, i've made scrabble tile pendant necklaces/bookmarks/zipper pulls...whatever you want to use them for. i'm going to include a pendant and some pretty ribbon (for a necklace) OR a pendant and a dainty key ring circle so that you could attach it to a zipper pull. my question for you is simple, what would you pay? i'm just asking now about the kid themed necklaces...

how much would YOU pay??

2008-09-21T21:44:00.010-04:00

okay, for those of you who have forgotten (because my blogging hasn't been remotely consistent lately OR maybe it's because lilburn daze isn't first and foremost on your mind...we have 19 days left!?!?!), please chime in with your feedback. jon said tonight that he would paint a custom painting for the winner of the random drawing from those giving feedback. so, each time you chime in, your name goes in the hat. and if you think, i don't want a kids painting, no worries, my hubby has painted some gorgeous landscapes as well.

so the name of tonight's game is what would you pay?

the key here is YOU. not what you think they would sell for, not what your momma would spend, not what you think they worth, but if you were walking by these, what would make you say, "yes, that's great, i'll buy these." all napkins are square and all are flannel fabric.

here we go...

exhibit A: set of four different boy or girl themed, 9 inch napkins.

exhibit B: a set of 4 college team sport (don't get hung up on the UGA, it's just jon's favorite), 10 inch napkins

exhibit C: a set of 4 adult themed, 10 inch napkins

exhibit D: a set of 5 cocktail style, 7 inch napkins

exhibit E: a set of 4 (all the same) girl or boy themed, 9 inch napkins

so, in your response, you can just go:

A: $

B: $

C: $

you get the picture. THANKS! you guys are helping more than you will ever know!!!

music...

2008-09-13T23:43:00.001-04:00

okay, roll call. what's your favorite praise song right now--what's just resonating with you? my ipod needs some refreshing. as does my soul.

slammed

2008-09-08T10:23:00.003-04:00

the last week or so has been crazy. we spent a good week or so getting ready for a shaklee party. to all who came, i hope you had a good time and learned as much as i did. to those of you who missed it, let me just tell you, i am learning alot. the week after the party was full. i was busy following up with people who came and trying to figure out if i want to dive into shaklee as a potential part-time job. i still don't have an answer there, but yes, i am selling the stuff. confusing, i know. try living in my head.

and then, the summer cold came. first for abby. who so kindly shared it with julia (via many forbidden hugs and some shared bagel that i just missed before it went in juju's mouth). and they were so kind to share it with me. i didn't stand a chance. i had just gotten off of meds for my sinus infection. i hadn't gotten a lot of sleep (steroids are great for inflammation, terrible for your body and horrid if you want to sleep!) and then got zero sleep for two nights with the girlies. oh the joys of parenting. so, i got it. and i was determined this time to NOT go on meds. to beat this cold naturally. something i have never done before.

let's just say that the quantity of garlic that i consumed would easily scare away even the bravest vampire. not only was i popping garlic pills, but i even tried garlic poultices on my face to ward off another sinus infection. last night when i showered (and everyone shouted hallelujah!), i could taste the garlic from the water off of my face. can anyone say nasty? but i think, that maybe, just maybe, i have avoided another sinus infection. the jury is out...we're not counting this until it's in the bag. (do you need another pat phrase?)

so, now we are coming out of survival mode. i have 2 girls that are recovering and now i get to re-establish boundaries, pick up a million dirty tissues that missed the trash cans, fold the 40 loads of laundry and re-make all the beds. got to gid rid of the germs and bad attitudes...and that's just for me.

and then, we head into crunch time. we have a month left until lilburn daze. MUCH to do and learn before then. good grief....so if my blogging is sporadic the next month, you'll know why.

i forgot to tell you...

2008-08-29T22:41:00.003-04:00

...not to put the stickers on the furniture. the things we don't tell our kids during room time, because, isn't it obvious?

good music

2008-08-28T18:37:00.002-04:00

now, i love steve green's hide 'em in your heart just as much as the next mom, but when my sister-in-law, sara recommended seeds family worship to me and said it was in the same vein (as far as the songs being all scripture), but a bit more rockin', i was all for it. we previewed it on i-tunes, and bought the faith cd. the girls and i have been singing along all day...well, i've been singing along all day, julia has been asking for "more please," and abby has just been plain grumpy.

thanks aunt sara for the great recommendation. abs agreed that you have good taste in music!