more waiting

i'm resigned to the fact that it is going to take me awhile to finish benjamin's story here. life doesn't leave much time to stop and write these days, but oh how i want to record more of God's faithfulness here. set some stone pillars up to remind me in days to come!!

after that first meeting with erin, we were back to waiting. she was due at the beginning of april (a week after julia's birthday and a week before my birthday!) i was in the midst of a major health crisis (of sorts). i had this weirdo rash (dermatographism, look that one up!) and so, each week was a different doctor's visit trying to get to the bottom of the rash. mercy!

we also were at the two month before baby arrives point. you know, when you are pregnant, there is some major nesting that kicks in then. i felt it too! i wanted to have food stocked up, toiletries stocked up...everything ready to keep my house running smoothly. then, there was the debate about the nursery.

there is a common thought process about adopting that you shouldn't set up the nursery until it gets really close (like a week or two) before the baby comes because if something happens, having looked at the nursery for so long will make the loss greater. jon and i talked about it, and while we knew that there was truth to that, we also knew that we were already all in emotionally...and nursery or no nursery, we were going to be doing some serious grieving if this fell through. in light of our insane spring (3 birthdays, end of the year with school and our anniversary for starters), we decided to go ahead and get things set up.

we also debated alot about when to have baby showers. there was counsel to wait until after he arrived and counsel to go ahead and do it now. we waited, but in hindsight, i think either would have been fine. (such big dilemmas at the time seem so small now!)

there was also another visit with erin to look forward to. she wanted to meet the girls. it felt so so far away, but time flies, and before we knew it, it was time to take the girls to meet erin.

books for kids

i love to read. books have changed me, and i long for my children to be impacted in the same way. jon and i are pretty picky about the books we choose for our kids that teach them about who God is because these are the foundational years. today, as julia was sharing with me something she had been learning from a book on cd, i was reminded just how important this is, and i also thought that i'd like to have a list handy of Bible books that we love for those who come behind us (and to write it down before i forget!) so here are some of our favorites.

i love ella lindvall's "read aloud Bible stories." there are just a few words per page. the stories are simple, yet true. (there was one where she referred to wine as "grape juice" and money as "pennies" but at the age that you are reading these stories, you can easily change this back to "wine" and "money" without your non-reader ever knowing) we started these when the girls were 1-2, and julia (now 4), still loves them.

this is my most often recommended Bible for littles. we absolutely adore this Bible. there is not one place in here where we have found it to add or take away from scripture. Jesus is front and center (even from the first story!) the stories are simply and clearly written, and the pictures add more details that will spur conversation on as a child ages and starts asking more questions. we have read through this more times than i can count, and i believe that it helped both of my girls to get a good grasp of the gospel. the new version has a CD included with the Bible read-aloud. for julia's quiet time, this is one of the books she listens to. i cannot recommend it enough!

there are a series of these books that talk about God's attributes. they are little board books that are short, but profound. page one of God has Power says, "God has power. He made the whole world." there is a verse at the bottom of each page too. the title of the book is repeated at the top of each page. love these little things (and need to pull them out for ben!) there are six in the series. God is Kind, God Has Power, God Never Changes, God Knows Everything, God is Everywhere and God is Faithful.

these board books are by the same author as the books on God's attributes, carine mackenzie. i appreciate the introduction to parables for kids, but i'm not going to lie, the deeper meanings were completely lost on my 2-3 year olds. here's the first page, "Some people thought that they were better than others. They thought that God liked them best of all." we have The Lost Coin, The Proud Prayer, The Missing Sheep and The Runaway Son. she has written a new one since abby was a baby, The Foolish Farmer. might be checking that one out soon as big sisters often want to read to their little brother.

when my girls really started asking questions about why Jesus had to die, this book was the best! the illustrations are gorgeous and the explanation is deep, but clear showing from Genesis how we have all sinned, how a lamb was used for sacrifices and how Jesus met all the requirements to be our sacrifice once and for all. this is another one that you can get with a CD, and i highly recommend it. julia is listening to it now.

write now, abby is reading through this Bible. it is in comic book form, and is pretty stinkin' detailed. she has my copy from when i was her age. so obviously, it's an oldie. this is great for when your kiddos are starting to read well. not one that i would want to read aloud, but good for those who are reading and want some independent time with the Bible.

for their first "real" Bible, we have liked the NIrV. i have no doubt that it is not the most accurate of translations, and we aren't going to be doing in depth word studies from this version; however, i think it is perfect for the new reader who wants to read on their own. for that, i am grateful!!

these have been our core books. there are others (and one day, i might post about those), but these are our go to books.

the one book that is conspicuously missing is "The Jesus Storybook Bible." we are well aware that it is vastly loved in the circles that we run in. the reason that we haven't used it yet is simple. when jon and i read it to abby, we were struck by how parts of it stated as fact things that are not stated as fact in scripture. people are stated to feel certain ways that they might indeed have felt, but the Bible doesn't say it explicitly. when we are emphasizing over and over and over to our kids that God's Word is true, and then we have to go back and explain, for example, that joseph might not have felt sad, we don't really know how he felt, well, we think that could be confusing. we get that all of these picture Bibles aren't perfect, but we want to do our best to make things clear. now that abs is older, i think that she would understand easily that this is someone else's interpretation of what they have read and it could foster great conversation. when they are little, we just like to keep it simple. no hard feelings, k? :)

his name

more from my journal during that weekend away...

jon and i also looked at the story of benjamin a little. i love at his birth-the birth that leads to his mother's death, that she names him Ben-Oni-- "son of my trouble" and instantly there is redemption--at his birth to "Benjamin"-named by his father "son of my right hand" obviously erin, has nothing but love for this child. obviously, he is not her son of trouble--but the story, the meaning is rich. from birth, redemption. and part of erin's heart will be pierced in giving him to us, but he will be Jon's son of my right hand. redemption. beautiful, glorious redemption.

that little boy has my heart. may i not forget that i am not promised tomorrow with him.

there was a major shifting that weekend in my heart. i realized that i couldn't halfheartedly love benjamin. i don't know how to love that way. so, if i was going to love him at all, it was going to be all out, and the potential for pain was going to be greater. when jon and i talked about it, he really encouraged me to give my heart, and to trust the Lord to hold it well.

one of the amazing things to me was God's provision, yet again, of something that we needed before we knew that we needed it. to have to process through all of that for the first time WITH our girls at home would have been super difficult. the freedom to be still, to cry without freaking them out or having to answer questions that i didn't have the answers for was a tremendous gift. He provides.

the aftershocks

after meeting erin, jon and i headed to a dear friend's family lake house. we normally try to get away once a year just the two of us to refuel and reconnect, and this was the last weekend we could find before benjamin's arrival. so, we went, thinking that we would get to relax for two days. instead, we spent the two days grieving, weeping (well that was mostly me!) and processing our meeting.

does it sound weird that we were grieving? with the meeting having gone so well, i would have thought that the waves of relief and joy would have been pouring over us. but the faceless mother now was real. the brokenness of it all crushed me. here is a bit of my journal from that weekend:

...here i sit with tears streaming down my face as the sun streams over the water and blinds me with its light, and honestly, i don't know why i am crying. as soon as i sat down to write, the tears started. my heart grieves for this beautiful girl whose eyes dance with light. my heart aches because i long with ever fiber of my being to know with certainty that this boy, the one that i now have a picture of -this boy, will he be a part of our family? will a heart abandoned to love him fully be devastated by the loss? will we have to foster him for months without knowing the results with such risk for huge pain. yes. yes, i must trust in You.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because He trusts in You." isaiah 26:3 ...how i have needed that. trusting You will lead me to a steadfast mind and a perfect peace. the alternative? a fear-driven, fear filled woman who works diligently to protect her own heart, to figure out the best plan to lower the risks, to eliminate pain, whose mind is a locomotive, barreling down tracks unable to rest and who cannot savor the gift of this day. and who, who am i putting trust and all my basket eggs in? the One who is not safe, but wildly powerful and will keep me from all harm. the One who will not let my foot slip. who neither slumbers or sleeps. the one who is the shade at my right hand. the Lord Jehovah-my salvation.

trust You. i do trust You. that doesn't diminish the pain, but it does calm the fears.

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it has been 24 hours since the first meeting. thank you for time to cry. time to process. time to ponder. in some ways, i feel like this is a lot like the story of Moses. i don't know what the "pharaoh" is in erin's life forcing her into finding a better place for this child, but just as they knew he was no ordinary child (heb 11:23)-well, it seems like erin feels the same way and as a result wants something more for him. i long to know more of her heart--and oh, i am so grateful for what you have allowed me to know. i love to how You allowed moses' mother to nurse him. You gave her time to say good-bye. to savor precious memories with him. i want to give erin that. and you have to wonder-well You don't, but i do-have to wonder if she (moses' mother) kept up with him. if she got reports about him from others who worked under him. it seems like he knew about aaron and surely aaron knew about him. how interesting that their lives were reunited by You.

more tomorrow.

defender of the weak

yesterday was a big day. a day that we don't yet know the results of. yesterday was the court day to terminate benjamin's biological father's rights. this is the last step, the hurdle, you might say, to us being able to finalize the adoption. alot is riding on what happened in that courtroom yesterday.

you see, benjamin's biological dad could have hired a lawyer, shown up and said that he would like to parent benjamin. he would have to fight for that right, but he could do that. our understanding is that older judges often favor biological parents because they believe that "blood is best." so regardless of whether or not the person is fit to be a parent (not saying that benjamin's bio dad is or isn't, i don't know enough about him to assess), older judges will side with the biological parent. younger judges are different, we've been told. one of those situations where the tide has changed.

we are waiting on pins and needles to hear the results. in all honesty, i've been a wreck the past few days. you don't realize how much you love someone until you are faced with their absence. i saw that with abby gone to camp on a small scale, but the thought of benjamin not being a part of our lives, well, it has undone me.

on sunday, i just wanted to hold him. all day. to the detriment of my back, but to the health of my soul. i was weepy. one of the songs we sang at church had a line in it praising God as the defender of the weak. i looked down at this baby in my arms, and i realized that God is a far greater defender of him than i could ever be. may i trust Him more.

and we meet

when she walked in, i was calm. really really just glad to get the whole thing started. i can't remember if we hugged or not. jon was sitting next to me, and erin sat across from me. her caseworker was next to her and christie was sitting next to jon. got the visual?

we talked, and talked and talked some more. we were there for 3 hours. she was just as nervous as we were, i think. as the time progressed, we all relaxed tremendously. one thing that i love about our relationship is that we are both asking questions and then asking, "is it okay for me to ask this?" while looking to our caseworkers for direction. it is unchartered territory for all of us (so grateful for our caseworkers' help in this process!!!!)

erin shared some of her story with us that we hadn't heard. i asked her why she chose us...and for all of you in the midst of adopting, read this! she said that she had three families to look at. after she had looked at the first two, she went to the bathroom and cried because she knew that these weren't the families for her child. they were too perfect. they didn't seem real. she told her caseworker when she came back that she was scared to look at the last profile because what if she didn't like it (aka us)? then she started reading.

one of the things i had written in our letter to any pregnant momma looking for a family for her child was this:

So us. Who are we? If you are looking for the picture perfect American family who has a dog, a cat, 2.5 (perfectly behaved and perfectly manicured) kids and goes to Disneyworld each year, keep on flipping. We aren’t that family. But if you are looking for a family that is a place of authenticity, warmth, humanity and love—a place where one of our biggest goals is to champion each member of our home to pursue their passions for the glory of God, then keep reading.

erin told us that when she read that part, she was so relieved. we were real. so her fear that we wouldn't say yes wasn't rooted in her insecurity, it was rooted in the fear that if we said no, who would she choose? i cannot imagine being in that place! hard enough to choose to make an adoption plan...how much harder if you don't love the families that you have to choose from!

to say that we clicked with erin would be a vast understatement. you know how sometimes you meet people and you just fall in love with them? you just hit it off and you are bonded? that's what happened. we shared similar senses of humor. we just got each other. i was struck over and over by what a gift that was (and is!)

one of the things we talked about while we were there was names. she was curious what we were thinking. at that point, we had three names left on our list for first names. (the middle name was going to be after jon's middle name). we shared our ideas with her, and she liked benjamin. we didn't commit to that name at the time, but she told us that she wanted his name to be the same on both birth certificates. yep, he gets one from the hospital and when the adoption is finalized he gets another birth certificate with his new name. (hello spiritual significance!) i'll share more of how God confirmed that name to us later...

oh, and the sweet girl had gotten a copy of her last ultrasound for us and put it in a frame. love her. so much.

when we left, we asked her if it would be okay to take a picture. she said yes. (and for all of you worried about us protecting her privacy, thank you for your concern. i asked erin if she minded us posting her picture, and she was fine with it.) so, here we are.

i cried at one point during our meal. i was sitting here with this amazing woman, and i wanted to share something with her. i told her (through tears) that our utmost desire was what was best for her and for her baby. if she changed her mind and decided that she wanted to parent her child, we would be fine. we just wanted her to know that she had that freedom. she started to try to tell me that she wasn't going to change her mind, but i shushed her. i told her i wasn't telling her that as a way to get her to affirm us, but that i just wanted her to have that in her mind and heart. i never wanted her getting to know and love us to keep her from doing what she needed to for herself and her baby.

when we left, we all hugged. tight. she and her caseworker left. and we stayed for awhile and talked with christie. then, i got in the car and bawled. little did i know how desperately i was going to need those few days away with jon to be able to process everything. i am so grateful that the Lord knew and provided what i needed before i knew i needed it.

getting ready to meet erin

i didn't have morning sickness with benjamin, but i was nauseas. a lot. does that count? after jon and i talked and prayed and said, "yes" to going forward with this possibility, we found out that erin wanted to meet us. and soon. she was nervous that we wouldn't say yes. we inferred that she must be deeply insecure. (we found out later that her nerves were not driven by insecurity.)

our meeting was scheduled for several weeks away. we were going to meet at chili's. for lunch. her caseworker and our caseworker would both be there. we felt clueless. what do you talk about? what is okay to ask? what is taboo? would she like us? would she hate us? and did i mention, what do you talk about?? i mean, we had read a multi-page report detailing her life, family and story. she had read the same on us. it is a weird thing to walk into a meeting with someone where you know so much intimate stuff about their lives, but you have never met them. there is a layer of vulnerability that is just strange.

i remember loading up the girls the morning that we were headed to lunch. jon and i were actually going away for the weekend after lunch with erin. so, there was the stress of packing ourselves, our food for the weekend, all of the girls stuff, etc. on top of just going to meet erin. everyone was in the car waiting, and i was the last out the door, when the nausea hit me. i called jon. abby looked panicked, and i almost puked, blacked out and sat down in the carport and cried all at once. (sounds like morning sickness, hey?) i pulled myself together, mostly because my girls were watching, and we left.

oh, and did i mention that this was that day that we got the random snow? it wasn't one of the heavier snowfalls, just a light dusting with icy roads. and yeah, we atlantans don't know what to do with snow or ice of any sort.

so we left early. and we got there VERY early. too early to actually sit at the restaurant and wait. jon and i drove around. we popped into a couple of stores. ross to look for tights for abby and a school supply store to look for calendars. basically, we were wasting time. we got to the restaurant and prayed before we went in. i was nervous, but calmer once we got there.

let me interject that one of the reasons that i was nervous, tense, whatever you want to call it, was because i felt this need to soak every fiber of erin in. i had no idea how many times we might get to be with her. no idea of what kind of contact she would want with her child. i did know that getting to meet her was a gift. i knew that if we wound up adopting her baby that i would want to tell him about his birth mom. and how do you know what he would want to know? what she ate? what she looked like when she laughed? did she laugh? was she quiet or chatty? how do you prepare for questions that you know might come, but don't have any idea what they might be? my senses were on high alert.

christie got there next. we got a table, figured out where everyone would sit and waited for erin to arrive.