making produce last

this seemed the easiest way to share this information.  if i could put it in a post for southernsavers, i would.  but since i can't, and i wanted to let all you people that i love know about this great deal, i am awakening my blog.  :)

basically, if you have been following my writings at southernsavers, i have been blogging about how to keep produce fresh longer.  i learned that there are three things that we can do to help.

1.  control the humidity.  this is essentially the job of our produce drawers, but carrots have different needs than squash, and so it gets tricky to do this well with the humidity settings on those drawers.

2.  control the ethylene gases.  these are emitted in varying levels by different kinds of produce.  ethylene is our friend in that causes things to ripen, but once things are ripe, these gases will continue to work causing things to spoil faster.

3.  avoid excess water.  most of the time water causes produce to deteriorate faster than if it was dry.  (ever notice water in your lettuce bag that turns your lettuce to slime?  yep, that's the idea.)

so, in my searching for ways to make produce last, a friend told me about these containers made by tupperware called fridgesmart containers.  they are designed to help us with all three issues!!  there are vents in the containers that you can open or close to control humidity (and a lovely chart printed on the container that tells you what to do for each different type of produce!)  just putting your produce in an individual container will keep it from being affected by another produce's gas emissions.  and finally, there are ridges in the bottom of the container that allow the excess moisture to gather there and elevate your produce out of it.  sounds amazing, right?

well, when i went to price out these awesome containers, i was immediately deterred by their cost.  a set of four containers costs $84.  on the christmas wish list they went.  then, a friend shared that right now (until FRIDAY), the set of four is on sale for $50 off, making it $34 (plus tax and shipping).  i wanted to tell everyone i knew about them because from all the research i've done, these really are amazing.  one friend said that her romaine lasted for a month!!  sign me up!  i am TIRED of wasting fresh produce because it goes bad so quickly.  i figure these will more than pay for themselves.

i am having a party (but please, please know that i couldn't care less if you order or not, i just wanted to share my fun find!) and if you want to order, just RSVP NO (because i'm not having an actual party to come to) and then you can order on-line (just look for my party when you order).  if you live close to me, don't order online, just let me know by thursday night, and i can add your order to mine and cut down on your shipping cost.

if you have questions, let me know.  :)

a new kind of family

my friend, stacey, posted this video on her blog this morning. now that we are a transracial family, it hit me deep. take the 17 minutes or so, and please watch.

Bloodlines Documentary with John Piper from Crossway on Vimeo.

meeting benjamin

first off, let me tell you that was happens now in our story isn't the norm. going to the hospital to meet the baby is a rare thing, and direct placements (when you get to take the baby directly home from the hospital) aren't so common either. there is a good reason for this which i totally understand. in georgia, the birthmother has 10 days after she signs away her rights to change her mind. jon and i had decided before we met erin that we did not want a direct placement. we were quite okay with whatever child we adopted being with a foster family for those 10 days. and we were okay not so much for ourselves, but more so for our girls. how do you explain to them that this is your "maybe" brother? we just didn't want to go there, but erin fought hard for direct placement. she didn't want us to miss a minute of bonding with benjamin, and i am grateful for her persistence and God's leading us to trust Him and to change.

so april 5, 2011. we loaded up the girls and drove to the hospital to meet benjamin. two quick stops first. we went by our kroger (with a vase in hand), and they prepared the most beautiful flower arrangement even throwing in some extra flowers for free because the ladies there are just so sweet to our family (all the time!) oh, and i remember getting some ginger ale. yeah, must have been nervous. then we stopped at chick-fil-a to get lunch for everyone to take to the hospital, and then, we're there. a phone call to the caseworker to find out which room, and in we go.

having the girls there was a gift. it was a buffer and gave me some time to process without all eyes on me. because let's get honest, babies are not all cute...especially a mere 12 hours or so after they have been born. and he was really, really different than my girls. for one thing, he was huge! my biggest baby was julia at a whopping 7 lbs 2 oz. benjamin was nearly 10 lbs! and he was purple. i am grateful that someone, somewhere had prepped me that bi-racial babies are often purple for a bit after birth. yeah, that was good to know beforehand. :)

when we first walked in the door, i handed my camera to someone (janine, the caseworker?) and then the girls were just like magnets to benjamin. i let them look, and then made them wash their hands! then the lovin' began.

the girls first meeting benjamin (look at abby trying not to touch)

the girls fighting to see who would hold him first

jon and i getting to hold him

feeding him a bottle

the mood was VERY upbeat. so much so that i was a bit worried for erin. i thought she would be sadder, but she wasn't. (probably helped that she had just gotten drugs before we went in.) she was so so gracious. letting us hold him. letting us change his diaper. letting abby see what uncircumcision is all about before it was too late (is that tmi?)

but there was also strain for me. it was hard to be there and not be the parents. to be the "almost" parents. decisions needed to be made, and we weren't the ones making those decisions. when i fed benjamin, he projectile vomited. erin wanted to move him to soy-based formula which was fine for her to make that call. no judgement from me. but it wasn't what i would have done. so having to defer to her just reminded me that he wasn't ours.

some might wonder if we felt that bond instantly. i mean, i've watched tons of videos of people meeting there soon to be adopted child for the first time. there are tears, weeping, and a tidal wave of love pouring out of them. i'll be honest, i didn't feel that. it took me about 30 minutes or so to start to feel the least bit connected. if you want to read more about all of that, go here. i think there was a difference for us though. we were adopting to bring God's redemption into brokenness instead of adopting to have redemption brought into our brokenness. does that make sense? (and don't get me wrong, adopting had definitely brought redemption into our brokenness, it just wasn't our primary reason for adopting)

we stayed for about an hour and a half. benjamin needed to leave to be circumcised. erin had just had a baby and needed to rest. there were super sweet moments that God let us have....

like the ceremonial eating of a huge chocolate chocolate chip muffin (abby and i shared one in the hospital bed when julia was born).

and this...(notice how ginormous he is in abby's arms!)

and honestly, it wasn't so hard to leave. we knew that the hard day was to come.

one week from today

Lord-willing, one week from today...he will be legally forever ours. i am so ready. past ready, actually.

just thought i'd share.

benjamin's birthday

here's some from my journal april 4th:

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9 am-well, big sister shirts and benjamin's onesie are made. erin's letter is written (i wrote a letter to give her in the hospital). the diaper bag is packed. the bottle warmer is working. everything is in place. erin went to the hospital around 5 am. her mom was going to text janine updates (which she'll send to christie who will tell us). so now, we wait. yesterday, my heart was sad and heavy, grieving for erin and fighting against anxiety to fully trust You to hold our hearts come what may the next few days. Lord, today I just feel excited.

12:08 no news. checking e-mail and trying to stay busy. julia just played uno and won twice. so ready to know something!

---------

the updates we got via e-mail:

6:14 pm (Erin's mom) sent a text to Janine simply saying that a c-section may be needed b/c baby’s heartbeat drops unless Erin in sitting up. No details re: dilation, when they will know further, or anything else. Will let you know as soon as I hear anything else.

8:32 pm Latest update is Erin is at 8 cm and the baby is moving down birth canal. May have a vaginal birth after all, but they still do not know for sure. Since she still has not delivered, we may need to rethink tomorrow, depending on how she is feeling and if she has a c-sec. I don’t know how late Erin's mom will call Janine, but if I hear I will let you know!

8:52 Now they are saying baby’s heart beat is really strong and are more hopeful for vaginal delivery.

9:52 pm He should be here soon…head all the way down and she is 9 cm!

back to my journal:

------------------

he's here! after a long day of waiting, praying for no c-section (his heart rate would drop unless she was sitting up)-he's finally here. 9 lbs 10 oz 20.75 inches long. thank you for so many answered prayers today.

-------------------

re-reading all of this brings back so many memories. having had two c-sections myself, i so didn't want that for erin. the physical scar and permanent reminder (not that she will ever forget), the super long physical recovery (in addition to dealing with her grief). we begged God, and He was gracious.

this was also a night when a huge, huge storm came through. we had the girls in the hallway, flashlights ready, and jon and i were in benjamin's room sitting on the floor, praying when the power went out, and we were interrupted with the girls' needs. by the time we were able to pray again, benjamin had arrived. the prayers then were soaked with my tears. he was healthy and here.

i love the tenderness of this photo.

*sweet, precious erin sent us tons of photos printed out and in an album, and she also sent us CDs with the photos. are you starting to see why i love her so??

countdown to his birthday

it was a dark and stormy night...well, it really was, but let me back up a bit to the days that preceded it. erin was due on the 7th of april, but she was scheduled to be induced before then as benjamin was measuring quite large. in previous conversations with her, i had told her that julia's birthday was on the 31st of march...so, could she do what was in her power so that they wouldn't share a birthday?? i felt ridiculous asking, like she was God and could decide when he entered the world, but she was scheduling an induction, so i figured it was pertinent info. she told us that when she went to schedule the induction, she informed her doctor that she wouldn't do it on the 31st or april 1st (i begged God that julia wouldn't be an april fool's baby--silly, but true, and apparently, erin and i are of like mind on that!) so that only left her with monday, april 4th. three days before she was due. guaranteeing that she would be delivering a big baby. but she was willing to do this for our family. this is just more of why we love her so.

so, have you ever been pregnant and waiting to go into labor? you know how those days just drag on? or ever had a dear friend due soon and you are longing for an update to know how they doing? well, the week or so before erin had benjamin, i thought i was going to crawl out of my skin. her first priority was not to call her caseworker with updates every day about how her contractions were progressing...but i was DYING to know. we would get an update every few days towards the end. how she was uncomfortable. how far dilated she was. how she was put on bedrest about a week and a half before she was scheduled to induce because her blood pressure was high. from then on, i was all nerves. so a little time line of events...

friday, march 25th--we find out that erin was put on bedrest the day before

saturday, march 26th--julia's birthday party. we decided to celebrate early, just in case.

tuesday, march 29th--we hear that erin is doing well and she told christie that she was excited (i kept wanting to know how she was feeling)

thursday, march 31st-julia's birthday and the beginning of our spring break

now, we had to wait. no school to take up time. no birthday party's to prepare for. nothing left but waiting. and praying. and hoping. and praying some more.

erin and the girls

you know how stressful it is when you really, really need your kiddos to behave? as much as we train them, love them, pray for them, counsel them, we still cannot control what they will do and say. meeting erin WITH the girls was in some ways more stressful than the first meeting. what if they did something that horrified her or said something that appalled her? they are the testimony to how we parent, and if she didn't like how we parent, she could definitely walk away. i mean, what if they both had major tantrums? what if they were totally disrespectful? what if????? how would you feel if you were trying to find a family for your baby, and then when you saw how the family interacted, you were shocked and dismayed??

i know many of you will say, "but amy, your family is so precious!" or some other kind thing. and yes, we have a great family, but EVERY family has bad days. days when i would get out if i could! yes, i should have trusted that the Lord was sovereign over all this, and yes, i tried to rest in that. but i ain't gonna lie, i was stressed!

i don't remember how the girls were feeling beforehand. (isn't that terrible! a true indicator of how self-centered my thoughts were at the time!) i know abby was a bit apprehensive at first. but a burger king playground to herself and the promise of ice cream for good behavior helped.

when we walked in, the playground area was completely empty (thank you, Lord!) erin was there with her mom (oh yeah, we were meeting her mom for the first time too). shortly after we got there, our caseworkers arrived. this meeting, they sat at a table at the end, pulling away from our conversation to give us some more space.

the girls did really well overall. there were a few altercations over food, but all in all, they were splendid. our interaction with erin and her mom went well too. nothing stands out in our time together. it was just laying more groundwork for our relationship.

oh, but this. this was precious. benjamin was moving inside of erin, and julia had wanted to feel him move. so she asked if she could, and erin graciously let her. abby didn't want to, and i wanted to, but something held me back. i tried for a long time to figure out what it was, but i never could figure it out.

love the tenderness of julia's little hand on erin's belly and erin's hand on julia's head.

such a sweet moment.

julia telling ben "hi, hi!"

oh, and julia wanted to ask erin if benjamin would pull her hair. when we asked the girls what questions they had for erin, that was very important to her. gotta love it.

more waiting

i'm resigned to the fact that it is going to take me awhile to finish benjamin's story here. life doesn't leave much time to stop and write these days, but oh how i want to record more of God's faithfulness here. set some stone pillars up to remind me in days to come!!

after that first meeting with erin, we were back to waiting. she was due at the beginning of april (a week after julia's birthday and a week before my birthday!) i was in the midst of a major health crisis (of sorts). i had this weirdo rash (dermatographism, look that one up!) and so, each week was a different doctor's visit trying to get to the bottom of the rash. mercy!

we also were at the two month before baby arrives point. you know, when you are pregnant, there is some major nesting that kicks in then. i felt it too! i wanted to have food stocked up, toiletries stocked up...everything ready to keep my house running smoothly. then, there was the debate about the nursery.

there is a common thought process about adopting that you shouldn't set up the nursery until it gets really close (like a week or two) before the baby comes because if something happens, having looked at the nursery for so long will make the loss greater. jon and i talked about it, and while we knew that there was truth to that, we also knew that we were already all in emotionally...and nursery or no nursery, we were going to be doing some serious grieving if this fell through. in light of our insane spring (3 birthdays, end of the year with school and our anniversary for starters), we decided to go ahead and get things set up.

we also debated alot about when to have baby showers. there was counsel to wait until after he arrived and counsel to go ahead and do it now. we waited, but in hindsight, i think either would have been fine. (such big dilemmas at the time seem so small now!)

there was also another visit with erin to look forward to. she wanted to meet the girls. it felt so so far away, but time flies, and before we knew it, it was time to take the girls to meet erin.

books for kids

i love to read. books have changed me, and i long for my children to be impacted in the same way. jon and i are pretty picky about the books we choose for our kids that teach them about who God is because these are the foundational years. today, as julia was sharing with me something she had been learning from a book on cd, i was reminded just how important this is, and i also thought that i'd like to have a list handy of Bible books that we love for those who come behind us (and to write it down before i forget!) so here are some of our favorites.

i love ella lindvall's "read aloud Bible stories." there are just a few words per page. the stories are simple, yet true. (there was one where she referred to wine as "grape juice" and money as "pennies" but at the age that you are reading these stories, you can easily change this back to "wine" and "money" without your non-reader ever knowing) we started these when the girls were 1-2, and julia (now 4), still loves them.

this is my most often recommended Bible for littles. we absolutely adore this Bible. there is not one place in here where we have found it to add or take away from scripture. Jesus is front and center (even from the first story!) the stories are simply and clearly written, and the pictures add more details that will spur conversation on as a child ages and starts asking more questions. we have read through this more times than i can count, and i believe that it helped both of my girls to get a good grasp of the gospel. the new version has a CD included with the Bible read-aloud. for julia's quiet time, this is one of the books she listens to. i cannot recommend it enough!

there are a series of these books that talk about God's attributes. they are little board books that are short, but profound. page one of God has Power says, "God has power. He made the whole world." there is a verse at the bottom of each page too. the title of the book is repeated at the top of each page. love these little things (and need to pull them out for ben!) there are six in the series. God is Kind, God Has Power, God Never Changes, God Knows Everything, God is Everywhere and God is Faithful.

these board books are by the same author as the books on God's attributes, carine mackenzie. i appreciate the introduction to parables for kids, but i'm not going to lie, the deeper meanings were completely lost on my 2-3 year olds. here's the first page, "Some people thought that they were better than others. They thought that God liked them best of all." we have The Lost Coin, The Proud Prayer, The Missing Sheep and The Runaway Son. she has written a new one since abby was a baby, The Foolish Farmer. might be checking that one out soon as big sisters often want to read to their little brother.

when my girls really started asking questions about why Jesus had to die, this book was the best! the illustrations are gorgeous and the explanation is deep, but clear showing from Genesis how we have all sinned, how a lamb was used for sacrifices and how Jesus met all the requirements to be our sacrifice once and for all. this is another one that you can get with a CD, and i highly recommend it. julia is listening to it now.

write now, abby is reading through this Bible. it is in comic book form, and is pretty stinkin' detailed. she has my copy from when i was her age. so obviously, it's an oldie. this is great for when your kiddos are starting to read well. not one that i would want to read aloud, but good for those who are reading and want some independent time with the Bible.

for their first "real" Bible, we have liked the NIrV. i have no doubt that it is not the most accurate of translations, and we aren't going to be doing in depth word studies from this version; however, i think it is perfect for the new reader who wants to read on their own. for that, i am grateful!!

these have been our core books. there are others (and one day, i might post about those), but these are our go to books.

the one book that is conspicuously missing is "The Jesus Storybook Bible." we are well aware that it is vastly loved in the circles that we run in. the reason that we haven't used it yet is simple. when jon and i read it to abby, we were struck by how parts of it stated as fact things that are not stated as fact in scripture. people are stated to feel certain ways that they might indeed have felt, but the Bible doesn't say it explicitly. when we are emphasizing over and over and over to our kids that God's Word is true, and then we have to go back and explain, for example, that joseph might not have felt sad, we don't really know how he felt, well, we think that could be confusing. we get that all of these picture Bibles aren't perfect, but we want to do our best to make things clear. now that abs is older, i think that she would understand easily that this is someone else's interpretation of what they have read and it could foster great conversation. when they are little, we just like to keep it simple. no hard feelings, k? :)

his name

more from my journal during that weekend away...

jon and i also looked at the story of benjamin a little. i love at his birth-the birth that leads to his mother's death, that she names him Ben-Oni-- "son of my trouble" and instantly there is redemption--at his birth to "Benjamin"-named by his father "son of my right hand" obviously erin, has nothing but love for this child. obviously, he is not her son of trouble--but the story, the meaning is rich. from birth, redemption. and part of erin's heart will be pierced in giving him to us, but he will be Jon's son of my right hand. redemption. beautiful, glorious redemption.

that little boy has my heart. may i not forget that i am not promised tomorrow with him.

there was a major shifting that weekend in my heart. i realized that i couldn't halfheartedly love benjamin. i don't know how to love that way. so, if i was going to love him at all, it was going to be all out, and the potential for pain was going to be greater. when jon and i talked about it, he really encouraged me to give my heart, and to trust the Lord to hold it well.

one of the amazing things to me was God's provision, yet again, of something that we needed before we knew that we needed it. to have to process through all of that for the first time WITH our girls at home would have been super difficult. the freedom to be still, to cry without freaking them out or having to answer questions that i didn't have the answers for was a tremendous gift. He provides.

the aftershocks

after meeting erin, jon and i headed to a dear friend's family lake house. we normally try to get away once a year just the two of us to refuel and reconnect, and this was the last weekend we could find before benjamin's arrival. so, we went, thinking that we would get to relax for two days. instead, we spent the two days grieving, weeping (well that was mostly me!) and processing our meeting.

does it sound weird that we were grieving? with the meeting having gone so well, i would have thought that the waves of relief and joy would have been pouring over us. but the faceless mother now was real. the brokenness of it all crushed me. here is a bit of my journal from that weekend:

...here i sit with tears streaming down my face as the sun streams over the water and blinds me with its light, and honestly, i don't know why i am crying. as soon as i sat down to write, the tears started. my heart grieves for this beautiful girl whose eyes dance with light. my heart aches because i long with ever fiber of my being to know with certainty that this boy, the one that i now have a picture of -this boy, will he be a part of our family? will a heart abandoned to love him fully be devastated by the loss? will we have to foster him for months without knowing the results with such risk for huge pain. yes. yes, i must trust in You.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because He trusts in You." isaiah 26:3 ...how i have needed that. trusting You will lead me to a steadfast mind and a perfect peace. the alternative? a fear-driven, fear filled woman who works diligently to protect her own heart, to figure out the best plan to lower the risks, to eliminate pain, whose mind is a locomotive, barreling down tracks unable to rest and who cannot savor the gift of this day. and who, who am i putting trust and all my basket eggs in? the One who is not safe, but wildly powerful and will keep me from all harm. the One who will not let my foot slip. who neither slumbers or sleeps. the one who is the shade at my right hand. the Lord Jehovah-my salvation.

trust You. i do trust You. that doesn't diminish the pain, but it does calm the fears.

------------------

it has been 24 hours since the first meeting. thank you for time to cry. time to process. time to ponder. in some ways, i feel like this is a lot like the story of Moses. i don't know what the "pharaoh" is in erin's life forcing her into finding a better place for this child, but just as they knew he was no ordinary child (heb 11:23)-well, it seems like erin feels the same way and as a result wants something more for him. i long to know more of her heart--and oh, i am so grateful for what you have allowed me to know. i love to how You allowed moses' mother to nurse him. You gave her time to say good-bye. to savor precious memories with him. i want to give erin that. and you have to wonder-well You don't, but i do-have to wonder if she (moses' mother) kept up with him. if she got reports about him from others who worked under him. it seems like he knew about aaron and surely aaron knew about him. how interesting that their lives were reunited by You.

more tomorrow.

defender of the weak

yesterday was a big day. a day that we don't yet know the results of. yesterday was the court day to terminate benjamin's biological father's rights. this is the last step, the hurdle, you might say, to us being able to finalize the adoption. alot is riding on what happened in that courtroom yesterday.

you see, benjamin's biological dad could have hired a lawyer, shown up and said that he would like to parent benjamin. he would have to fight for that right, but he could do that. our understanding is that older judges often favor biological parents because they believe that "blood is best." so regardless of whether or not the person is fit to be a parent (not saying that benjamin's bio dad is or isn't, i don't know enough about him to assess), older judges will side with the biological parent. younger judges are different, we've been told. one of those situations where the tide has changed.

we are waiting on pins and needles to hear the results. in all honesty, i've been a wreck the past few days. you don't realize how much you love someone until you are faced with their absence. i saw that with abby gone to camp on a small scale, but the thought of benjamin not being a part of our lives, well, it has undone me.

on sunday, i just wanted to hold him. all day. to the detriment of my back, but to the health of my soul. i was weepy. one of the songs we sang at church had a line in it praising God as the defender of the weak. i looked down at this baby in my arms, and i realized that God is a far greater defender of him than i could ever be. may i trust Him more.

and we meet

when she walked in, i was calm. really really just glad to get the whole thing started. i can't remember if we hugged or not. jon was sitting next to me, and erin sat across from me. her caseworker was next to her and christie was sitting next to jon. got the visual?

we talked, and talked and talked some more. we were there for 3 hours. she was just as nervous as we were, i think. as the time progressed, we all relaxed tremendously. one thing that i love about our relationship is that we are both asking questions and then asking, "is it okay for me to ask this?" while looking to our caseworkers for direction. it is unchartered territory for all of us (so grateful for our caseworkers' help in this process!!!!)

erin shared some of her story with us that we hadn't heard. i asked her why she chose us...and for all of you in the midst of adopting, read this! she said that she had three families to look at. after she had looked at the first two, she went to the bathroom and cried because she knew that these weren't the families for her child. they were too perfect. they didn't seem real. she told her caseworker when she came back that she was scared to look at the last profile because what if she didn't like it (aka us)? then she started reading.

one of the things i had written in our letter to any pregnant momma looking for a family for her child was this:

So us. Who are we? If you are looking for the picture perfect American family who has a dog, a cat, 2.5 (perfectly behaved and perfectly manicured) kids and goes to Disneyworld each year, keep on flipping. We aren’t that family. But if you are looking for a family that is a place of authenticity, warmth, humanity and love—a place where one of our biggest goals is to champion each member of our home to pursue their passions for the glory of God, then keep reading.

erin told us that when she read that part, she was so relieved. we were real. so her fear that we wouldn't say yes wasn't rooted in her insecurity, it was rooted in the fear that if we said no, who would she choose? i cannot imagine being in that place! hard enough to choose to make an adoption plan...how much harder if you don't love the families that you have to choose from!

to say that we clicked with erin would be a vast understatement. you know how sometimes you meet people and you just fall in love with them? you just hit it off and you are bonded? that's what happened. we shared similar senses of humor. we just got each other. i was struck over and over by what a gift that was (and is!)

one of the things we talked about while we were there was names. she was curious what we were thinking. at that point, we had three names left on our list for first names. (the middle name was going to be after jon's middle name). we shared our ideas with her, and she liked benjamin. we didn't commit to that name at the time, but she told us that she wanted his name to be the same on both birth certificates. yep, he gets one from the hospital and when the adoption is finalized he gets another birth certificate with his new name. (hello spiritual significance!) i'll share more of how God confirmed that name to us later...

oh, and the sweet girl had gotten a copy of her last ultrasound for us and put it in a frame. love her. so much.

when we left, we asked her if it would be okay to take a picture. she said yes. (and for all of you worried about us protecting her privacy, thank you for your concern. i asked erin if she minded us posting her picture, and she was fine with it.) so, here we are.

i cried at one point during our meal. i was sitting here with this amazing woman, and i wanted to share something with her. i told her (through tears) that our utmost desire was what was best for her and for her baby. if she changed her mind and decided that she wanted to parent her child, we would be fine. we just wanted her to know that she had that freedom. she started to try to tell me that she wasn't going to change her mind, but i shushed her. i told her i wasn't telling her that as a way to get her to affirm us, but that i just wanted her to have that in her mind and heart. i never wanted her getting to know and love us to keep her from doing what she needed to for herself and her baby.

when we left, we all hugged. tight. she and her caseworker left. and we stayed for awhile and talked with christie. then, i got in the car and bawled. little did i know how desperately i was going to need those few days away with jon to be able to process everything. i am so grateful that the Lord knew and provided what i needed before i knew i needed it.

getting ready to meet erin

i didn't have morning sickness with benjamin, but i was nauseas. a lot. does that count? after jon and i talked and prayed and said, "yes" to going forward with this possibility, we found out that erin wanted to meet us. and soon. she was nervous that we wouldn't say yes. we inferred that she must be deeply insecure. (we found out later that her nerves were not driven by insecurity.)

our meeting was scheduled for several weeks away. we were going to meet at chili's. for lunch. her caseworker and our caseworker would both be there. we felt clueless. what do you talk about? what is okay to ask? what is taboo? would she like us? would she hate us? and did i mention, what do you talk about?? i mean, we had read a multi-page report detailing her life, family and story. she had read the same on us. it is a weird thing to walk into a meeting with someone where you know so much intimate stuff about their lives, but you have never met them. there is a layer of vulnerability that is just strange.

i remember loading up the girls the morning that we were headed to lunch. jon and i were actually going away for the weekend after lunch with erin. so, there was the stress of packing ourselves, our food for the weekend, all of the girls stuff, etc. on top of just going to meet erin. everyone was in the car waiting, and i was the last out the door, when the nausea hit me. i called jon. abby looked panicked, and i almost puked, blacked out and sat down in the carport and cried all at once. (sounds like morning sickness, hey?) i pulled myself together, mostly because my girls were watching, and we left.

oh, and did i mention that this was that day that we got the random snow? it wasn't one of the heavier snowfalls, just a light dusting with icy roads. and yeah, we atlantans don't know what to do with snow or ice of any sort.

so we left early. and we got there VERY early. too early to actually sit at the restaurant and wait. jon and i drove around. we popped into a couple of stores. ross to look for tights for abby and a school supply store to look for calendars. basically, we were wasting time. we got to the restaurant and prayed before we went in. i was nervous, but calmer once we got there.

let me interject that one of the reasons that i was nervous, tense, whatever you want to call it, was because i felt this need to soak every fiber of erin in. i had no idea how many times we might get to be with her. no idea of what kind of contact she would want with her child. i did know that getting to meet her was a gift. i knew that if we wound up adopting her baby that i would want to tell him about his birth mom. and how do you know what he would want to know? what she ate? what she looked like when she laughed? did she laugh? was she quiet or chatty? how do you prepare for questions that you know might come, but don't have any idea what they might be? my senses were on high alert.

christie got there next. we got a table, figured out where everyone would sit and waited for erin to arrive.

the call

january 20th, 2011. it was not an ordinary day. oh no.

the day started crazy. it was school day, and so we were doing school. but before we could get started a dear friend called to tell us that becka mullennix, a precious lady from our old church, had died. we had worked with her, been loved by her. she was young. it came out of nowhere. so the morning was spent grieving with old friends via phone. attempting some school between calls.

that afternoon i had an appointment with a friend. it was important, and i couldn't miss it. so, at the last possible moment (because i'd been on the phone and doing school all day), i went to hop in the shower. i mean, i had less than enough time to get ready at this point. and the phone rang.

it was christie, our caseworker. i didn't think a thing of it. she prepped me that she had news. i asked if she was going to take me on another unnecessary roller coaster ride (see possibilities one and two)--and no, i'm not always the nicest person. and she told me that yes, she was going to take me on one, but that it was very necessary. i sat down, right where i am now at my computer desk, and listened.

she shared the birthmother's story. she told me that she was having a boy. she shared all the parts that made it messy (which for the sake of honoring Benjamin-this is his story after all-i'm going to stay mum about). she asked me what i thought. and i sat and shook.

oh, and did i mention where jon was on this day? he was down in the basement of a mall working. he had called me earlier in the day before everything hit to tell me that he would have no phone service all day. so, here i am with this world rocking news, and i can't get in touch with my husband. mercy!

so after a few frantic calls, a quick shower, crazy prayers and a five minute briefing with my husband while he was in the car on his way to switch off with me at home, i left for my appointment. i knew in my heart of hearts that this was the one. this was where we were supposed to be.

what to do while we wait

the waiting was hard. harder than i thought it would be. i remember christie telling me during one of our interviews that she thought it would be hard for me, and i remember telling jon that i thought i'd be fine. oh, ugly pride.

so it was hard. it's hard to plan much when you don't know when you might get a baby. with international adoption, you have some framework of a timeline. it is broad and changing, but there is some framework. with domestic adoption, we had none. they told us that we could get a call and have 24 hours to come and get our child. or we might have a few months if the birth mother wanted to meet us beforehand. covenant care was going to do everything in their power to protect our family. so they didn't want to bring us into the process until they were pretty certain that the birth mother wasn't going to change her mind. and if that certainty wasn't there, then they would wait the 10 days after she had signed away her rights, and then they would tell us.

how do you plan a vacation? when do you start to decorate? to pull old clothes out of the attic? and what do you gear up for? a baby? a toddler? how do you prepare your children for a possibility when you don't know when or where it is coming? do you commit to lead a Bible study when you know that you might have a newborn at any point in time? good grief!!

we eventually figured out that we needed to just live life. when we found out, we could adjust accordingly. by the time we figured that out, we got the call.

our second possibility

Christie, our caseworker, made it a habit NOT to call us. She said that whenever we would see Covenant Care Services in the caller id, our hearts would race, and she didn't want to put us through unnecessary drama. Which I appreciated. We did talk from time to time. There were still questions that I had, finishing touches on paperwork that she had questions about.

On one of these occasions, she mentioned to us that there was another possibility. Now, we weren't supposed to know when our profile was being shown (another way that Covenant tries to keep us off of the emotional roller coaster as much as possible!) We knew about the first possibility because we had to confirm whether or "maybe" box was actually a "yes." For some reason, which I cannot remember now, Christie told us about our profile being shown again. This time, it was a little girl. It was a simple story. No drama. Not super messy. After I hung up with Christie, I was talking with a friend and told her about the situation. I said, "she's not going to choose us." There was something in my gut that just said that this was too simple. That this adoption needed to be for a couple who were adopting because they couldn't have children and longed for one. Not for us. We were adopting for different reasons. We were okay with mess. We longed to be agents of God's redemption in something messy.

Christie called back not long after and told us that the birth mom had chosen someone else. When I told her my thoughts, she just laughed. The couple that the birth mom did choose was exactly what my gut had said.

So, we were back to waiting. (notice a theme?)

our first possibility

reality hit hard and fast. the years of paperwork and wanting to love others, but wondering how the hours of working for southernsavers and mounds of paperwork really were ministry were gone in a flash. we got our first possible child presented to us. it all became very real.

during the last meeting for our homestudy, our caseworker asked us if we were open to adopting a child that was the result of incest. (it was one of the questions on our "type of child desired form" that we had checked with a maybe.) there was a brother and sister. the sister was pregnant. they were younger than 15. after i got over the icks, i was so grieved. how does that happen? where were their parents? their mom seemed unfazed by it all. was the father of this baby really the brother, or was he just the fall guy for their dad. how? why? and...

how do you begin to tell a child you have adopted their story when THAT is their story? jon and i prayed. i made phone calls to doctors to find out the medical ramifications. we learned about genetic testing that could be done after birth. we decided after gathering our info that we would be willing for them to view our profile. willing to consider it with the contingency of doing testing after birth. everything we were hearing was that everything could be fine, or could be a mess. and really, isn't all of that brokenness such a mess?

we began to pray for that family. pray for redemption. pray for healing. pray for massive, massive change. and we waited to see if they would pick us.

they didn't. i honestly cannot remember if i grieved or not. i think i did a bit. we had invested our hearts in prayer and our time in research and love had begun to grow. at the same time, with it being the situation it was, we were fervently praying for God to make it clear if this is where He wanted US. He said, "no."

so we went back to waiting.

premature panty party

in the interest of full disclosure (and because i do believe that there are other moms out there with this situation)...our panty party was a bit premature.

every other night since the party (including the actual night of the party), our sweet juju has wet the bed. one of the things that i love about this girl is that she does not have any shame at all about this. we are doing all that we know to help her be successful--no drinks after dinner, potty before bed, taking her before we go to bed and then when jon gets up around 5 am...still, accidents are happening.

often.

so, because the one thing about this that makes my precious julia cry is having to wear pull-ups (they are babyish AND itchy-not sure which is the bigger offense), i've been researching some different options.

and here is what we are going to try next:

http://www.artfire.com/users/danielcreations

here's hoping they work. anybody have any other suggestions??

flying through the process

covenant care's process was a little different than what we had been exposed to with our other two agencies in that you had to attend one of their twice yearly meetings before you could get started. that meeting happened at the end of august in 2010.

we had a lot of our paperwork done already, and they were gracious to not make us redo most of it but to take in paperwork from other agencies. we had an FBI background check to do. we got fingerprinted. the girls got to see the inside of a police station where people were booked. fun times. (does that count as a field trip?)

by the time we went to the first meeting, most everything was done. from the time of our first homestudy meeting (which we were dreading, but went amazingly well) to when we were on the waiting list was a mere 3 weeks. just so you know, things never happen that fast. it was an insane 3 weeks of putting together our profile packet (where we try to summarize our family in a few scrapbook pages and a letter to the birthmom) to madly cleaning our home (so that when they came to check it out, it would be deemed, "fit"). we got done at the end of october with everything. now, it was time to wait.