bonding, connecting and ownership

i'm going to jump ahead to the now...mostly because these are the thoughts that swirl when there is a quiet moment (and since there are few of those these days, i try to make the most of them). writing helps me to process, and these are the things i am wrestling through.

connecting. what does it really mean to feel bonded to your child? to feel connected? to feel like you belong together? and why oh why do we put so much pressure on ourselves and each other for that to happen quickly?

i remember when abby was born, i was a mess. she was my first. she was an emergency c-section. it would take an hour and a half just to wake her up to eat. don't ask how long it took to get her to actually eat. i had mastitis. she had thrush...which she shared. are you getting the picture yet? it was rough. oh, and she was a screamer. probably caused by the constant yakking from her reflux. i remember dear friends coming in to cuddle my precious baby saying, "don't you love her like you've never loved anyone else before?" and i thought, "NO! i hardly know her. everything about her is HARD." i would just smile, and they filled in their own blanks. i loved her, but i wasn't gooey with love for her.

several weeks went by and i heard that same question over and over. finally, in the middle of the night as jon and i passed each other in the hall to trade shifts, i asked him, "do you love her more than you've loved anyone else before?" he said, "no." and i felt relief. utter relief that my amazing husband wasn't just oozing with love either. connecting to abs took time. we got there though.

when we talked about adoption, i knew that it was going to take time to feel connected. i wasn't going to have 9 months to get used to the idea of this person being a part of our lives. i wasn't going to feel them moving around inside of me. most of all, they weren't going to be (and here's the phrase that i am growing to despise more and more every. single. day.) "officially mine" for a long time. i was expecting it to be hard, but what i forgot about was the pressure that comes from feeling like i need to feel connected. both the internal pressure and the external pressure. am i making any sense at all?

i'll share more of our story with benjamin's birthmom later, but let's just put it simply for now. i adore her. absolutely wholeheartedly love that woman. when we went to see benjamin for the first time in the hospital, i wasn't his mom. she was. she had not signed her rights away. she was the one calling the shots on his circumcision timing and what formula to give him. i'm not trying to imply that there was any rudeness about her actions at all. it was simply the reality of the situation. the next day, when we went to get him, she had signed her rights over, but as we spent time with her in the hospital, there was still this huge need in my heart to honor her. to respect her freedom to change her mind. to let her be the mom while we were together. then we took him home.

on the way home, he started crying. i tried to comfort him in his carseat, but he didn't know my voice. it brought him no comfort. jon's voice would startle him into crying more. we came home and the girls were beyond excited. jon and i were emotionally toast. we were grieving deeply for his birth momma. i don't think it is possible to hold a woman who is sobbing as she hands you her child and not be shattered. and we were. utterly shattered.

congratulations were piling in, and we were thankful that people were excited for us. but we were sad. broken. and very aware that she could change her mind. i was living for the last 13 days in the tension of savoring every day as a gift knowing that i was by no means promised tomorrow with this precious boy (as is true for all things and people in our lives!) and trying to connect. to take him in as "mine."

through the wrestling, i feel like the Lord has been teaching me some things about ownership, connecting and belonging. and about love. i'll be honest though. i am very much at the beginning of both learning and processing these things. and i'm a bit raw. so please be gracious.

one of the biggest things that i am learning is that i am called to parent this precious boy today. God has given me today with him, and today, he is mine to love, to guide, to nurture and to take care of. there is grace for this day...and if he isn't mine a month from now, there will be grace then too. i must, must, must live in today though.

loving him is more than the melting feeling in my gut (which is a beautiful feeling, don't get me wrong). loving him is giving up sleep, shower and the ability to pee when i want to. loving him is holding him for seven hours straight because it gives him comfort when he is in pain (from constipation-no worries, he's fine). loving him is doing research on formula to find out what is best. loving him is praying over him. praying for his birth mom. loving him is choosing my words carefully when i share his story with others. those things are love. those things will connect my heart to him. serving him has and will continue to bond us.

God has chosen jon and i for this season of benjamin's life to guard and protect him. and for now, that is official enough. i know that probably sounds silly and obvious. but it has been a huge relief for me to realize that i was putting more stock in when the government said that he was ours then what God had called me today. again, emphasis on today.

so that's where i am now. still learning. still processing. bonding more and more with this beautiful boy every day.