one week from today

Lord-willing, one week from today...he will be legally forever ours. i am so ready. past ready, actually.

just thought i'd share.

benjamin's birthday

here's some from my journal april 4th:

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9 am-well, big sister shirts and benjamin's onesie are made. erin's letter is written (i wrote a letter to give her in the hospital). the diaper bag is packed. the bottle warmer is working. everything is in place. erin went to the hospital around 5 am. her mom was going to text janine updates (which she'll send to christie who will tell us). so now, we wait. yesterday, my heart was sad and heavy, grieving for erin and fighting against anxiety to fully trust You to hold our hearts come what may the next few days. Lord, today I just feel excited.

12:08 no news. checking e-mail and trying to stay busy. julia just played uno and won twice. so ready to know something!

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the updates we got via e-mail:

6:14 pm (Erin's mom) sent a text to Janine simply saying that a c-section may be needed b/c baby’s heartbeat drops unless Erin in sitting up. No details re: dilation, when they will know further, or anything else. Will let you know as soon as I hear anything else.

8:32 pm Latest update is Erin is at 8 cm and the baby is moving down birth canal. May have a vaginal birth after all, but they still do not know for sure. Since she still has not delivered, we may need to rethink tomorrow, depending on how she is feeling and if she has a c-sec. I don’t know how late Erin's mom will call Janine, but if I hear I will let you know!

8:52 Now they are saying baby’s heart beat is really strong and are more hopeful for vaginal delivery.

9:52 pm He should be here soon…head all the way down and she is 9 cm!

back to my journal:

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he's here! after a long day of waiting, praying for no c-section (his heart rate would drop unless she was sitting up)-he's finally here. 9 lbs 10 oz 20.75 inches long. thank you for so many answered prayers today.

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re-reading all of this brings back so many memories. having had two c-sections myself, i so didn't want that for erin. the physical scar and permanent reminder (not that she will ever forget), the super long physical recovery (in addition to dealing with her grief). we begged God, and He was gracious.

this was also a night when a huge, huge storm came through. we had the girls in the hallway, flashlights ready, and jon and i were in benjamin's room sitting on the floor, praying when the power went out, and we were interrupted with the girls' needs. by the time we were able to pray again, benjamin had arrived. the prayers then were soaked with my tears. he was healthy and here.

i love the tenderness of this photo.

*sweet, precious erin sent us tons of photos printed out and in an album, and she also sent us CDs with the photos. are you starting to see why i love her so??

countdown to his birthday

it was a dark and stormy night...well, it really was, but let me back up a bit to the days that preceded it. erin was due on the 7th of april, but she was scheduled to be induced before then as benjamin was measuring quite large. in previous conversations with her, i had told her that julia's birthday was on the 31st of march...so, could she do what was in her power so that they wouldn't share a birthday?? i felt ridiculous asking, like she was God and could decide when he entered the world, but she was scheduling an induction, so i figured it was pertinent info. she told us that when she went to schedule the induction, she informed her doctor that she wouldn't do it on the 31st or april 1st (i begged God that julia wouldn't be an april fool's baby--silly, but true, and apparently, erin and i are of like mind on that!) so that only left her with monday, april 4th. three days before she was due. guaranteeing that she would be delivering a big baby. but she was willing to do this for our family. this is just more of why we love her so.

so, have you ever been pregnant and waiting to go into labor? you know how those days just drag on? or ever had a dear friend due soon and you are longing for an update to know how they doing? well, the week or so before erin had benjamin, i thought i was going to crawl out of my skin. her first priority was not to call her caseworker with updates every day about how her contractions were progressing...but i was DYING to know. we would get an update every few days towards the end. how she was uncomfortable. how far dilated she was. how she was put on bedrest about a week and a half before she was scheduled to induce because her blood pressure was high. from then on, i was all nerves. so a little time line of events...

friday, march 25th--we find out that erin was put on bedrest the day before

saturday, march 26th--julia's birthday party. we decided to celebrate early, just in case.

tuesday, march 29th--we hear that erin is doing well and she told christie that she was excited (i kept wanting to know how she was feeling)

thursday, march 31st-julia's birthday and the beginning of our spring break

now, we had to wait. no school to take up time. no birthday party's to prepare for. nothing left but waiting. and praying. and hoping. and praying some more.

erin and the girls

you know how stressful it is when you really, really need your kiddos to behave? as much as we train them, love them, pray for them, counsel them, we still cannot control what they will do and say. meeting erin WITH the girls was in some ways more stressful than the first meeting. what if they did something that horrified her or said something that appalled her? they are the testimony to how we parent, and if she didn't like how we parent, she could definitely walk away. i mean, what if they both had major tantrums? what if they were totally disrespectful? what if????? how would you feel if you were trying to find a family for your baby, and then when you saw how the family interacted, you were shocked and dismayed??

i know many of you will say, "but amy, your family is so precious!" or some other kind thing. and yes, we have a great family, but EVERY family has bad days. days when i would get out if i could! yes, i should have trusted that the Lord was sovereign over all this, and yes, i tried to rest in that. but i ain't gonna lie, i was stressed!

i don't remember how the girls were feeling beforehand. (isn't that terrible! a true indicator of how self-centered my thoughts were at the time!) i know abby was a bit apprehensive at first. but a burger king playground to herself and the promise of ice cream for good behavior helped.

when we walked in, the playground area was completely empty (thank you, Lord!) erin was there with her mom (oh yeah, we were meeting her mom for the first time too). shortly after we got there, our caseworkers arrived. this meeting, they sat at a table at the end, pulling away from our conversation to give us some more space.

the girls did really well overall. there were a few altercations over food, but all in all, they were splendid. our interaction with erin and her mom went well too. nothing stands out in our time together. it was just laying more groundwork for our relationship.

oh, but this. this was precious. benjamin was moving inside of erin, and julia had wanted to feel him move. so she asked if she could, and erin graciously let her. abby didn't want to, and i wanted to, but something held me back. i tried for a long time to figure out what it was, but i never could figure it out.

love the tenderness of julia's little hand on erin's belly and erin's hand on julia's head.

such a sweet moment.

julia telling ben "hi, hi!"

oh, and julia wanted to ask erin if benjamin would pull her hair. when we asked the girls what questions they had for erin, that was very important to her. gotta love it.

more waiting

i'm resigned to the fact that it is going to take me awhile to finish benjamin's story here. life doesn't leave much time to stop and write these days, but oh how i want to record more of God's faithfulness here. set some stone pillars up to remind me in days to come!!

after that first meeting with erin, we were back to waiting. she was due at the beginning of april (a week after julia's birthday and a week before my birthday!) i was in the midst of a major health crisis (of sorts). i had this weirdo rash (dermatographism, look that one up!) and so, each week was a different doctor's visit trying to get to the bottom of the rash. mercy!

we also were at the two month before baby arrives point. you know, when you are pregnant, there is some major nesting that kicks in then. i felt it too! i wanted to have food stocked up, toiletries stocked up...everything ready to keep my house running smoothly. then, there was the debate about the nursery.

there is a common thought process about adopting that you shouldn't set up the nursery until it gets really close (like a week or two) before the baby comes because if something happens, having looked at the nursery for so long will make the loss greater. jon and i talked about it, and while we knew that there was truth to that, we also knew that we were already all in emotionally...and nursery or no nursery, we were going to be doing some serious grieving if this fell through. in light of our insane spring (3 birthdays, end of the year with school and our anniversary for starters), we decided to go ahead and get things set up.

we also debated alot about when to have baby showers. there was counsel to wait until after he arrived and counsel to go ahead and do it now. we waited, but in hindsight, i think either would have been fine. (such big dilemmas at the time seem so small now!)

there was also another visit with erin to look forward to. she wanted to meet the girls. it felt so so far away, but time flies, and before we knew it, it was time to take the girls to meet erin.

books for kids

i love to read. books have changed me, and i long for my children to be impacted in the same way. jon and i are pretty picky about the books we choose for our kids that teach them about who God is because these are the foundational years. today, as julia was sharing with me something she had been learning from a book on cd, i was reminded just how important this is, and i also thought that i'd like to have a list handy of Bible books that we love for those who come behind us (and to write it down before i forget!) so here are some of our favorites.

i love ella lindvall's "read aloud Bible stories." there are just a few words per page. the stories are simple, yet true. (there was one where she referred to wine as "grape juice" and money as "pennies" but at the age that you are reading these stories, you can easily change this back to "wine" and "money" without your non-reader ever knowing) we started these when the girls were 1-2, and julia (now 4), still loves them.

this is my most often recommended Bible for littles. we absolutely adore this Bible. there is not one place in here where we have found it to add or take away from scripture. Jesus is front and center (even from the first story!) the stories are simply and clearly written, and the pictures add more details that will spur conversation on as a child ages and starts asking more questions. we have read through this more times than i can count, and i believe that it helped both of my girls to get a good grasp of the gospel. the new version has a CD included with the Bible read-aloud. for julia's quiet time, this is one of the books she listens to. i cannot recommend it enough!

there are a series of these books that talk about God's attributes. they are little board books that are short, but profound. page one of God has Power says, "God has power. He made the whole world." there is a verse at the bottom of each page too. the title of the book is repeated at the top of each page. love these little things (and need to pull them out for ben!) there are six in the series. God is Kind, God Has Power, God Never Changes, God Knows Everything, God is Everywhere and God is Faithful.

these board books are by the same author as the books on God's attributes, carine mackenzie. i appreciate the introduction to parables for kids, but i'm not going to lie, the deeper meanings were completely lost on my 2-3 year olds. here's the first page, "Some people thought that they were better than others. They thought that God liked them best of all." we have The Lost Coin, The Proud Prayer, The Missing Sheep and The Runaway Son. she has written a new one since abby was a baby, The Foolish Farmer. might be checking that one out soon as big sisters often want to read to their little brother.

when my girls really started asking questions about why Jesus had to die, this book was the best! the illustrations are gorgeous and the explanation is deep, but clear showing from Genesis how we have all sinned, how a lamb was used for sacrifices and how Jesus met all the requirements to be our sacrifice once and for all. this is another one that you can get with a CD, and i highly recommend it. julia is listening to it now.

write now, abby is reading through this Bible. it is in comic book form, and is pretty stinkin' detailed. she has my copy from when i was her age. so obviously, it's an oldie. this is great for when your kiddos are starting to read well. not one that i would want to read aloud, but good for those who are reading and want some independent time with the Bible.

for their first "real" Bible, we have liked the NIrV. i have no doubt that it is not the most accurate of translations, and we aren't going to be doing in depth word studies from this version; however, i think it is perfect for the new reader who wants to read on their own. for that, i am grateful!!

these have been our core books. there are others (and one day, i might post about those), but these are our go to books.

the one book that is conspicuously missing is "The Jesus Storybook Bible." we are well aware that it is vastly loved in the circles that we run in. the reason that we haven't used it yet is simple. when jon and i read it to abby, we were struck by how parts of it stated as fact things that are not stated as fact in scripture. people are stated to feel certain ways that they might indeed have felt, but the Bible doesn't say it explicitly. when we are emphasizing over and over and over to our kids that God's Word is true, and then we have to go back and explain, for example, that joseph might not have felt sad, we don't really know how he felt, well, we think that could be confusing. we get that all of these picture Bibles aren't perfect, but we want to do our best to make things clear. now that abs is older, i think that she would understand easily that this is someone else's interpretation of what they have read and it could foster great conversation. when they are little, we just like to keep it simple. no hard feelings, k? :)