meeting benjamin

first off, let me tell you that was happens now in our story isn't the norm. going to the hospital to meet the baby is a rare thing, and direct placements (when you get to take the baby directly home from the hospital) aren't so common either. there is a good reason for this which i totally understand. in georgia, the birthmother has 10 days after she signs away her rights to change her mind. jon and i had decided before we met erin that we did not want a direct placement. we were quite okay with whatever child we adopted being with a foster family for those 10 days. and we were okay not so much for ourselves, but more so for our girls. how do you explain to them that this is your "maybe" brother? we just didn't want to go there, but erin fought hard for direct placement. she didn't want us to miss a minute of bonding with benjamin, and i am grateful for her persistence and God's leading us to trust Him and to change.

so april 5, 2011. we loaded up the girls and drove to the hospital to meet benjamin. two quick stops first. we went by our kroger (with a vase in hand), and they prepared the most beautiful flower arrangement even throwing in some extra flowers for free because the ladies there are just so sweet to our family (all the time!) oh, and i remember getting some ginger ale. yeah, must have been nervous. then we stopped at chick-fil-a to get lunch for everyone to take to the hospital, and then, we're there. a phone call to the caseworker to find out which room, and in we go.

having the girls there was a gift. it was a buffer and gave me some time to process without all eyes on me. because let's get honest, babies are not all cute...especially a mere 12 hours or so after they have been born. and he was really, really different than my girls. for one thing, he was huge! my biggest baby was julia at a whopping 7 lbs 2 oz. benjamin was nearly 10 lbs! and he was purple. i am grateful that someone, somewhere had prepped me that bi-racial babies are often purple for a bit after birth. yeah, that was good to know beforehand. :)

when we first walked in the door, i handed my camera to someone (janine, the caseworker?) and then the girls were just like magnets to benjamin. i let them look, and then made them wash their hands! then the lovin' began.

the girls first meeting benjamin (look at abby trying not to touch)

the girls fighting to see who would hold him first

jon and i getting to hold him

feeding him a bottle

the mood was VERY upbeat. so much so that i was a bit worried for erin. i thought she would be sadder, but she wasn't. (probably helped that she had just gotten drugs before we went in.) she was so so gracious. letting us hold him. letting us change his diaper. letting abby see what uncircumcision is all about before it was too late (is that tmi?)

but there was also strain for me. it was hard to be there and not be the parents. to be the "almost" parents. decisions needed to be made, and we weren't the ones making those decisions. when i fed benjamin, he projectile vomited. erin wanted to move him to soy-based formula which was fine for her to make that call. no judgement from me. but it wasn't what i would have done. so having to defer to her just reminded me that he wasn't ours.

some might wonder if we felt that bond instantly. i mean, i've watched tons of videos of people meeting there soon to be adopted child for the first time. there are tears, weeping, and a tidal wave of love pouring out of them. i'll be honest, i didn't feel that. it took me about 30 minutes or so to start to feel the least bit connected. if you want to read more about all of that, go here. i think there was a difference for us though. we were adopting to bring God's redemption into brokenness instead of adopting to have redemption brought into our brokenness. does that make sense? (and don't get me wrong, adopting had definitely brought redemption into our brokenness, it just wasn't our primary reason for adopting)

we stayed for about an hour and a half. benjamin needed to leave to be circumcised. erin had just had a baby and needed to rest. there were super sweet moments that God let us have....

like the ceremonial eating of a huge chocolate chocolate chip muffin (abby and i shared one in the hospital bed when julia was born).

and this...(notice how ginormous he is in abby's arms!)

and honestly, it wasn't so hard to leave. we knew that the hard day was to come.

one week from today

Lord-willing, one week from today...he will be legally forever ours. i am so ready. past ready, actually.

just thought i'd share.

benjamin's birthday

here's some from my journal april 4th:

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9 am-well, big sister shirts and benjamin's onesie are made. erin's letter is written (i wrote a letter to give her in the hospital). the diaper bag is packed. the bottle warmer is working. everything is in place. erin went to the hospital around 5 am. her mom was going to text janine updates (which she'll send to christie who will tell us). so now, we wait. yesterday, my heart was sad and heavy, grieving for erin and fighting against anxiety to fully trust You to hold our hearts come what may the next few days. Lord, today I just feel excited.

12:08 no news. checking e-mail and trying to stay busy. julia just played uno and won twice. so ready to know something!

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the updates we got via e-mail:

6:14 pm (Erin's mom) sent a text to Janine simply saying that a c-section may be needed b/c baby’s heartbeat drops unless Erin in sitting up. No details re: dilation, when they will know further, or anything else. Will let you know as soon as I hear anything else.

8:32 pm Latest update is Erin is at 8 cm and the baby is moving down birth canal. May have a vaginal birth after all, but they still do not know for sure. Since she still has not delivered, we may need to rethink tomorrow, depending on how she is feeling and if she has a c-sec. I don’t know how late Erin's mom will call Janine, but if I hear I will let you know!

8:52 Now they are saying baby’s heart beat is really strong and are more hopeful for vaginal delivery.

9:52 pm He should be here soon…head all the way down and she is 9 cm!

back to my journal:

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he's here! after a long day of waiting, praying for no c-section (his heart rate would drop unless she was sitting up)-he's finally here. 9 lbs 10 oz 20.75 inches long. thank you for so many answered prayers today.

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re-reading all of this brings back so many memories. having had two c-sections myself, i so didn't want that for erin. the physical scar and permanent reminder (not that she will ever forget), the super long physical recovery (in addition to dealing with her grief). we begged God, and He was gracious.

this was also a night when a huge, huge storm came through. we had the girls in the hallway, flashlights ready, and jon and i were in benjamin's room sitting on the floor, praying when the power went out, and we were interrupted with the girls' needs. by the time we were able to pray again, benjamin had arrived. the prayers then were soaked with my tears. he was healthy and here.

i love the tenderness of this photo.

*sweet, precious erin sent us tons of photos printed out and in an album, and she also sent us CDs with the photos. are you starting to see why i love her so??

countdown to his birthday

it was a dark and stormy night...well, it really was, but let me back up a bit to the days that preceded it. erin was due on the 7th of april, but she was scheduled to be induced before then as benjamin was measuring quite large. in previous conversations with her, i had told her that julia's birthday was on the 31st of march...so, could she do what was in her power so that they wouldn't share a birthday?? i felt ridiculous asking, like she was God and could decide when he entered the world, but she was scheduling an induction, so i figured it was pertinent info. she told us that when she went to schedule the induction, she informed her doctor that she wouldn't do it on the 31st or april 1st (i begged God that julia wouldn't be an april fool's baby--silly, but true, and apparently, erin and i are of like mind on that!) so that only left her with monday, april 4th. three days before she was due. guaranteeing that she would be delivering a big baby. but she was willing to do this for our family. this is just more of why we love her so.

so, have you ever been pregnant and waiting to go into labor? you know how those days just drag on? or ever had a dear friend due soon and you are longing for an update to know how they doing? well, the week or so before erin had benjamin, i thought i was going to crawl out of my skin. her first priority was not to call her caseworker with updates every day about how her contractions were progressing...but i was DYING to know. we would get an update every few days towards the end. how she was uncomfortable. how far dilated she was. how she was put on bedrest about a week and a half before she was scheduled to induce because her blood pressure was high. from then on, i was all nerves. so a little time line of events...

friday, march 25th--we find out that erin was put on bedrest the day before

saturday, march 26th--julia's birthday party. we decided to celebrate early, just in case.

tuesday, march 29th--we hear that erin is doing well and she told christie that she was excited (i kept wanting to know how she was feeling)

thursday, march 31st-julia's birthday and the beginning of our spring break

now, we had to wait. no school to take up time. no birthday party's to prepare for. nothing left but waiting. and praying. and hoping. and praying some more.

erin and the girls

you know how stressful it is when you really, really need your kiddos to behave? as much as we train them, love them, pray for them, counsel them, we still cannot control what they will do and say. meeting erin WITH the girls was in some ways more stressful than the first meeting. what if they did something that horrified her or said something that appalled her? they are the testimony to how we parent, and if she didn't like how we parent, she could definitely walk away. i mean, what if they both had major tantrums? what if they were totally disrespectful? what if????? how would you feel if you were trying to find a family for your baby, and then when you saw how the family interacted, you were shocked and dismayed??

i know many of you will say, "but amy, your family is so precious!" or some other kind thing. and yes, we have a great family, but EVERY family has bad days. days when i would get out if i could! yes, i should have trusted that the Lord was sovereign over all this, and yes, i tried to rest in that. but i ain't gonna lie, i was stressed!

i don't remember how the girls were feeling beforehand. (isn't that terrible! a true indicator of how self-centered my thoughts were at the time!) i know abby was a bit apprehensive at first. but a burger king playground to herself and the promise of ice cream for good behavior helped.

when we walked in, the playground area was completely empty (thank you, Lord!) erin was there with her mom (oh yeah, we were meeting her mom for the first time too). shortly after we got there, our caseworkers arrived. this meeting, they sat at a table at the end, pulling away from our conversation to give us some more space.

the girls did really well overall. there were a few altercations over food, but all in all, they were splendid. our interaction with erin and her mom went well too. nothing stands out in our time together. it was just laying more groundwork for our relationship.

oh, but this. this was precious. benjamin was moving inside of erin, and julia had wanted to feel him move. so she asked if she could, and erin graciously let her. abby didn't want to, and i wanted to, but something held me back. i tried for a long time to figure out what it was, but i never could figure it out.

love the tenderness of julia's little hand on erin's belly and erin's hand on julia's head.

such a sweet moment.

julia telling ben "hi, hi!"

oh, and julia wanted to ask erin if benjamin would pull her hair. when we asked the girls what questions they had for erin, that was very important to her. gotta love it.

more waiting

i'm resigned to the fact that it is going to take me awhile to finish benjamin's story here. life doesn't leave much time to stop and write these days, but oh how i want to record more of God's faithfulness here. set some stone pillars up to remind me in days to come!!

after that first meeting with erin, we were back to waiting. she was due at the beginning of april (a week after julia's birthday and a week before my birthday!) i was in the midst of a major health crisis (of sorts). i had this weirdo rash (dermatographism, look that one up!) and so, each week was a different doctor's visit trying to get to the bottom of the rash. mercy!

we also were at the two month before baby arrives point. you know, when you are pregnant, there is some major nesting that kicks in then. i felt it too! i wanted to have food stocked up, toiletries stocked up...everything ready to keep my house running smoothly. then, there was the debate about the nursery.

there is a common thought process about adopting that you shouldn't set up the nursery until it gets really close (like a week or two) before the baby comes because if something happens, having looked at the nursery for so long will make the loss greater. jon and i talked about it, and while we knew that there was truth to that, we also knew that we were already all in emotionally...and nursery or no nursery, we were going to be doing some serious grieving if this fell through. in light of our insane spring (3 birthdays, end of the year with school and our anniversary for starters), we decided to go ahead and get things set up.

we also debated alot about when to have baby showers. there was counsel to wait until after he arrived and counsel to go ahead and do it now. we waited, but in hindsight, i think either would have been fine. (such big dilemmas at the time seem so small now!)

there was also another visit with erin to look forward to. she wanted to meet the girls. it felt so so far away, but time flies, and before we knew it, it was time to take the girls to meet erin.

his name

more from my journal during that weekend away...

jon and i also looked at the story of benjamin a little. i love at his birth-the birth that leads to his mother's death, that she names him Ben-Oni-- "son of my trouble" and instantly there is redemption--at his birth to "Benjamin"-named by his father "son of my right hand" obviously erin, has nothing but love for this child. obviously, he is not her son of trouble--but the story, the meaning is rich. from birth, redemption. and part of erin's heart will be pierced in giving him to us, but he will be Jon's son of my right hand. redemption. beautiful, glorious redemption.

that little boy has my heart. may i not forget that i am not promised tomorrow with him.

there was a major shifting that weekend in my heart. i realized that i couldn't halfheartedly love benjamin. i don't know how to love that way. so, if i was going to love him at all, it was going to be all out, and the potential for pain was going to be greater. when jon and i talked about it, he really encouraged me to give my heart, and to trust the Lord to hold it well.

one of the amazing things to me was God's provision, yet again, of something that we needed before we knew that we needed it. to have to process through all of that for the first time WITH our girls at home would have been super difficult. the freedom to be still, to cry without freaking them out or having to answer questions that i didn't have the answers for was a tremendous gift. He provides.

the aftershocks

after meeting erin, jon and i headed to a dear friend's family lake house. we normally try to get away once a year just the two of us to refuel and reconnect, and this was the last weekend we could find before benjamin's arrival. so, we went, thinking that we would get to relax for two days. instead, we spent the two days grieving, weeping (well that was mostly me!) and processing our meeting.

does it sound weird that we were grieving? with the meeting having gone so well, i would have thought that the waves of relief and joy would have been pouring over us. but the faceless mother now was real. the brokenness of it all crushed me. here is a bit of my journal from that weekend:

...here i sit with tears streaming down my face as the sun streams over the water and blinds me with its light, and honestly, i don't know why i am crying. as soon as i sat down to write, the tears started. my heart grieves for this beautiful girl whose eyes dance with light. my heart aches because i long with ever fiber of my being to know with certainty that this boy, the one that i now have a picture of -this boy, will he be a part of our family? will a heart abandoned to love him fully be devastated by the loss? will we have to foster him for months without knowing the results with such risk for huge pain. yes. yes, i must trust in You.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because He trusts in You." isaiah 26:3 ...how i have needed that. trusting You will lead me to a steadfast mind and a perfect peace. the alternative? a fear-driven, fear filled woman who works diligently to protect her own heart, to figure out the best plan to lower the risks, to eliminate pain, whose mind is a locomotive, barreling down tracks unable to rest and who cannot savor the gift of this day. and who, who am i putting trust and all my basket eggs in? the One who is not safe, but wildly powerful and will keep me from all harm. the One who will not let my foot slip. who neither slumbers or sleeps. the one who is the shade at my right hand. the Lord Jehovah-my salvation.

trust You. i do trust You. that doesn't diminish the pain, but it does calm the fears.

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it has been 24 hours since the first meeting. thank you for time to cry. time to process. time to ponder. in some ways, i feel like this is a lot like the story of Moses. i don't know what the "pharaoh" is in erin's life forcing her into finding a better place for this child, but just as they knew he was no ordinary child (heb 11:23)-well, it seems like erin feels the same way and as a result wants something more for him. i long to know more of her heart--and oh, i am so grateful for what you have allowed me to know. i love to how You allowed moses' mother to nurse him. You gave her time to say good-bye. to savor precious memories with him. i want to give erin that. and you have to wonder-well You don't, but i do-have to wonder if she (moses' mother) kept up with him. if she got reports about him from others who worked under him. it seems like he knew about aaron and surely aaron knew about him. how interesting that their lives were reunited by You.

more tomorrow.

defender of the weak

yesterday was a big day. a day that we don't yet know the results of. yesterday was the court day to terminate benjamin's biological father's rights. this is the last step, the hurdle, you might say, to us being able to finalize the adoption. alot is riding on what happened in that courtroom yesterday.

you see, benjamin's biological dad could have hired a lawyer, shown up and said that he would like to parent benjamin. he would have to fight for that right, but he could do that. our understanding is that older judges often favor biological parents because they believe that "blood is best." so regardless of whether or not the person is fit to be a parent (not saying that benjamin's bio dad is or isn't, i don't know enough about him to assess), older judges will side with the biological parent. younger judges are different, we've been told. one of those situations where the tide has changed.

we are waiting on pins and needles to hear the results. in all honesty, i've been a wreck the past few days. you don't realize how much you love someone until you are faced with their absence. i saw that with abby gone to camp on a small scale, but the thought of benjamin not being a part of our lives, well, it has undone me.

on sunday, i just wanted to hold him. all day. to the detriment of my back, but to the health of my soul. i was weepy. one of the songs we sang at church had a line in it praising God as the defender of the weak. i looked down at this baby in my arms, and i realized that God is a far greater defender of him than i could ever be. may i trust Him more.

and we meet

when she walked in, i was calm. really really just glad to get the whole thing started. i can't remember if we hugged or not. jon was sitting next to me, and erin sat across from me. her caseworker was next to her and christie was sitting next to jon. got the visual?

we talked, and talked and talked some more. we were there for 3 hours. she was just as nervous as we were, i think. as the time progressed, we all relaxed tremendously. one thing that i love about our relationship is that we are both asking questions and then asking, "is it okay for me to ask this?" while looking to our caseworkers for direction. it is unchartered territory for all of us (so grateful for our caseworkers' help in this process!!!!)

erin shared some of her story with us that we hadn't heard. i asked her why she chose us...and for all of you in the midst of adopting, read this! she said that she had three families to look at. after she had looked at the first two, she went to the bathroom and cried because she knew that these weren't the families for her child. they were too perfect. they didn't seem real. she told her caseworker when she came back that she was scared to look at the last profile because what if she didn't like it (aka us)? then she started reading.

one of the things i had written in our letter to any pregnant momma looking for a family for her child was this:

So us. Who are we? If you are looking for the picture perfect American family who has a dog, a cat, 2.5 (perfectly behaved and perfectly manicured) kids and goes to Disneyworld each year, keep on flipping. We aren’t that family. But if you are looking for a family that is a place of authenticity, warmth, humanity and love—a place where one of our biggest goals is to champion each member of our home to pursue their passions for the glory of God, then keep reading.

erin told us that when she read that part, she was so relieved. we were real. so her fear that we wouldn't say yes wasn't rooted in her insecurity, it was rooted in the fear that if we said no, who would she choose? i cannot imagine being in that place! hard enough to choose to make an adoption plan...how much harder if you don't love the families that you have to choose from!

to say that we clicked with erin would be a vast understatement. you know how sometimes you meet people and you just fall in love with them? you just hit it off and you are bonded? that's what happened. we shared similar senses of humor. we just got each other. i was struck over and over by what a gift that was (and is!)

one of the things we talked about while we were there was names. she was curious what we were thinking. at that point, we had three names left on our list for first names. (the middle name was going to be after jon's middle name). we shared our ideas with her, and she liked benjamin. we didn't commit to that name at the time, but she told us that she wanted his name to be the same on both birth certificates. yep, he gets one from the hospital and when the adoption is finalized he gets another birth certificate with his new name. (hello spiritual significance!) i'll share more of how God confirmed that name to us later...

oh, and the sweet girl had gotten a copy of her last ultrasound for us and put it in a frame. love her. so much.

when we left, we asked her if it would be okay to take a picture. she said yes. (and for all of you worried about us protecting her privacy, thank you for your concern. i asked erin if she minded us posting her picture, and she was fine with it.) so, here we are.

i cried at one point during our meal. i was sitting here with this amazing woman, and i wanted to share something with her. i told her (through tears) that our utmost desire was what was best for her and for her baby. if she changed her mind and decided that she wanted to parent her child, we would be fine. we just wanted her to know that she had that freedom. she started to try to tell me that she wasn't going to change her mind, but i shushed her. i told her i wasn't telling her that as a way to get her to affirm us, but that i just wanted her to have that in her mind and heart. i never wanted her getting to know and love us to keep her from doing what she needed to for herself and her baby.

when we left, we all hugged. tight. she and her caseworker left. and we stayed for awhile and talked with christie. then, i got in the car and bawled. little did i know how desperately i was going to need those few days away with jon to be able to process everything. i am so grateful that the Lord knew and provided what i needed before i knew i needed it.

getting ready to meet erin

i didn't have morning sickness with benjamin, but i was nauseas. a lot. does that count? after jon and i talked and prayed and said, "yes" to going forward with this possibility, we found out that erin wanted to meet us. and soon. she was nervous that we wouldn't say yes. we inferred that she must be deeply insecure. (we found out later that her nerves were not driven by insecurity.)

our meeting was scheduled for several weeks away. we were going to meet at chili's. for lunch. her caseworker and our caseworker would both be there. we felt clueless. what do you talk about? what is okay to ask? what is taboo? would she like us? would she hate us? and did i mention, what do you talk about?? i mean, we had read a multi-page report detailing her life, family and story. she had read the same on us. it is a weird thing to walk into a meeting with someone where you know so much intimate stuff about their lives, but you have never met them. there is a layer of vulnerability that is just strange.

i remember loading up the girls the morning that we were headed to lunch. jon and i were actually going away for the weekend after lunch with erin. so, there was the stress of packing ourselves, our food for the weekend, all of the girls stuff, etc. on top of just going to meet erin. everyone was in the car waiting, and i was the last out the door, when the nausea hit me. i called jon. abby looked panicked, and i almost puked, blacked out and sat down in the carport and cried all at once. (sounds like morning sickness, hey?) i pulled myself together, mostly because my girls were watching, and we left.

oh, and did i mention that this was that day that we got the random snow? it wasn't one of the heavier snowfalls, just a light dusting with icy roads. and yeah, we atlantans don't know what to do with snow or ice of any sort.

so we left early. and we got there VERY early. too early to actually sit at the restaurant and wait. jon and i drove around. we popped into a couple of stores. ross to look for tights for abby and a school supply store to look for calendars. basically, we were wasting time. we got to the restaurant and prayed before we went in. i was nervous, but calmer once we got there.

let me interject that one of the reasons that i was nervous, tense, whatever you want to call it, was because i felt this need to soak every fiber of erin in. i had no idea how many times we might get to be with her. no idea of what kind of contact she would want with her child. i did know that getting to meet her was a gift. i knew that if we wound up adopting her baby that i would want to tell him about his birth mom. and how do you know what he would want to know? what she ate? what she looked like when she laughed? did she laugh? was she quiet or chatty? how do you prepare for questions that you know might come, but don't have any idea what they might be? my senses were on high alert.

christie got there next. we got a table, figured out where everyone would sit and waited for erin to arrive.

the call

january 20th, 2011. it was not an ordinary day. oh no.

the day started crazy. it was school day, and so we were doing school. but before we could get started a dear friend called to tell us that becka mullennix, a precious lady from our old church, had died. we had worked with her, been loved by her. she was young. it came out of nowhere. so the morning was spent grieving with old friends via phone. attempting some school between calls.

that afternoon i had an appointment with a friend. it was important, and i couldn't miss it. so, at the last possible moment (because i'd been on the phone and doing school all day), i went to hop in the shower. i mean, i had less than enough time to get ready at this point. and the phone rang.

it was christie, our caseworker. i didn't think a thing of it. she prepped me that she had news. i asked if she was going to take me on another unnecessary roller coaster ride (see possibilities one and two)--and no, i'm not always the nicest person. and she told me that yes, she was going to take me on one, but that it was very necessary. i sat down, right where i am now at my computer desk, and listened.

she shared the birthmother's story. she told me that she was having a boy. she shared all the parts that made it messy (which for the sake of honoring Benjamin-this is his story after all-i'm going to stay mum about). she asked me what i thought. and i sat and shook.

oh, and did i mention where jon was on this day? he was down in the basement of a mall working. he had called me earlier in the day before everything hit to tell me that he would have no phone service all day. so, here i am with this world rocking news, and i can't get in touch with my husband. mercy!

so after a few frantic calls, a quick shower, crazy prayers and a five minute briefing with my husband while he was in the car on his way to switch off with me at home, i left for my appointment. i knew in my heart of hearts that this was the one. this was where we were supposed to be.

what to do while we wait

the waiting was hard. harder than i thought it would be. i remember christie telling me during one of our interviews that she thought it would be hard for me, and i remember telling jon that i thought i'd be fine. oh, ugly pride.

so it was hard. it's hard to plan much when you don't know when you might get a baby. with international adoption, you have some framework of a timeline. it is broad and changing, but there is some framework. with domestic adoption, we had none. they told us that we could get a call and have 24 hours to come and get our child. or we might have a few months if the birth mother wanted to meet us beforehand. covenant care was going to do everything in their power to protect our family. so they didn't want to bring us into the process until they were pretty certain that the birth mother wasn't going to change her mind. and if that certainty wasn't there, then they would wait the 10 days after she had signed away her rights, and then they would tell us.

how do you plan a vacation? when do you start to decorate? to pull old clothes out of the attic? and what do you gear up for? a baby? a toddler? how do you prepare your children for a possibility when you don't know when or where it is coming? do you commit to lead a Bible study when you know that you might have a newborn at any point in time? good grief!!

we eventually figured out that we needed to just live life. when we found out, we could adjust accordingly. by the time we figured that out, we got the call.

our second possibility

Christie, our caseworker, made it a habit NOT to call us. She said that whenever we would see Covenant Care Services in the caller id, our hearts would race, and she didn't want to put us through unnecessary drama. Which I appreciated. We did talk from time to time. There were still questions that I had, finishing touches on paperwork that she had questions about.

On one of these occasions, she mentioned to us that there was another possibility. Now, we weren't supposed to know when our profile was being shown (another way that Covenant tries to keep us off of the emotional roller coaster as much as possible!) We knew about the first possibility because we had to confirm whether or "maybe" box was actually a "yes." For some reason, which I cannot remember now, Christie told us about our profile being shown again. This time, it was a little girl. It was a simple story. No drama. Not super messy. After I hung up with Christie, I was talking with a friend and told her about the situation. I said, "she's not going to choose us." There was something in my gut that just said that this was too simple. That this adoption needed to be for a couple who were adopting because they couldn't have children and longed for one. Not for us. We were adopting for different reasons. We were okay with mess. We longed to be agents of God's redemption in something messy.

Christie called back not long after and told us that the birth mom had chosen someone else. When I told her my thoughts, she just laughed. The couple that the birth mom did choose was exactly what my gut had said.

So, we were back to waiting. (notice a theme?)

our first possibility

reality hit hard and fast. the years of paperwork and wanting to love others, but wondering how the hours of working for southernsavers and mounds of paperwork really were ministry were gone in a flash. we got our first possible child presented to us. it all became very real.

during the last meeting for our homestudy, our caseworker asked us if we were open to adopting a child that was the result of incest. (it was one of the questions on our "type of child desired form" that we had checked with a maybe.) there was a brother and sister. the sister was pregnant. they were younger than 15. after i got over the icks, i was so grieved. how does that happen? where were their parents? their mom seemed unfazed by it all. was the father of this baby really the brother, or was he just the fall guy for their dad. how? why? and...

how do you begin to tell a child you have adopted their story when THAT is their story? jon and i prayed. i made phone calls to doctors to find out the medical ramifications. we learned about genetic testing that could be done after birth. we decided after gathering our info that we would be willing for them to view our profile. willing to consider it with the contingency of doing testing after birth. everything we were hearing was that everything could be fine, or could be a mess. and really, isn't all of that brokenness such a mess?

we began to pray for that family. pray for redemption. pray for healing. pray for massive, massive change. and we waited to see if they would pick us.

they didn't. i honestly cannot remember if i grieved or not. i think i did a bit. we had invested our hearts in prayer and our time in research and love had begun to grow. at the same time, with it being the situation it was, we were fervently praying for God to make it clear if this is where He wanted US. He said, "no."

so we went back to waiting.

flying through the process

covenant care's process was a little different than what we had been exposed to with our other two agencies in that you had to attend one of their twice yearly meetings before you could get started. that meeting happened at the end of august in 2010.

we had a lot of our paperwork done already, and they were gracious to not make us redo most of it but to take in paperwork from other agencies. we had an FBI background check to do. we got fingerprinted. the girls got to see the inside of a police station where people were booked. fun times. (does that count as a field trip?)

by the time we went to the first meeting, most everything was done. from the time of our first homestudy meeting (which we were dreading, but went amazingly well) to when we were on the waiting list was a mere 3 weeks. just so you know, things never happen that fast. it was an insane 3 weeks of putting together our profile packet (where we try to summarize our family in a few scrapbook pages and a letter to the birthmom) to madly cleaning our home (so that when they came to check it out, it would be deemed, "fit"). we got done at the end of october with everything. now, it was time to wait.

today

today, i wish my son was not adopted.

i wish that he was just mine.

today, i wish that everything was right in the world.

i wish that i didn't spend time throughout the month thinking and pondering about what on earth to write to his birthmom for her monthly update, but that instead, i could just savor the moments.

i wish when he smiled, i didn't feel this compulsion to get the perfect picture for her. (do you know how hard it is to capture a newborn smiling??) that instead, i could just soak up the love from that sweet little smile.

today, i wish that i didn't have to organize, print and describe photos or write up our monthly report.

i wish that the waiting for his birthfather's rights to be terminated would be over...not lingering out there, hanging over me, ready ammunition for the enemy to use.

i wish that life were easier. simpler. and as i stood washing the never ending stack of dishes (only to go and fold the never ceasing pile of clothes), i realized why i was wishing all of these things. because i want to be able to handle all of this on my own. i want to be able to somehow manage life. i don't want to live with risk. because when i do, my lack of faith is exposed by the evidence of my mounting fear. in essence, i want to live without God. ugh.

so today. today, i repent. of my selfishness. of my pride. of my laziness. of my attempts to do life on my own. what stupidity. what humanity. that He would come for a wretch as I.

over and over again.

money

having children in any way, shape or form ain't cheap. no surprise there.

since i was in my early teens, i have had a multitude of opportunities to watch God provide for my family and others. i have seen Him put food on the table for us when we were growing up and the construction industry was tanking (funny how history repeats itself). i have seen Him provide money for me to live overseas. i have watched Him over and over provide not only what we needed, but abundantly more than that (hello free trip to Hilton Head!)

back in college, one summer on a beach project, we sang this song. (anybody remember?) "give, and it will come back to you. good measure. pressed down, shaken together and running over. give, and it will come back to you. when you give, give to the Lord." i just remember kevin perryman busting out on that song. anyway, the lyrics (scripture, actually) stuck deep. i have seen them played out over and over. we cannot, ever, outgive God.

so when we started looking at adoption, paying for it was laughable. we by no means had the funds that we needed. we were grateful each day to be able to pay our bills and live debt free. however, we were confidant of one thing. if He had called us to adopt, He would provide what we needed in ALL areas to do it. here are some of the fun ways that He did it. (and is still providing!)

anybody ever heard of southernsavers.com? well, unbeknownst to me, this website was hugely popular. i thought it might just be this little old site with money saving tips that was helping me. so, i contacted Jenny via e-mail to see if i could help her teach workshops. she actually e-mailed me back (which is so funny to me now that i know just how huge her site is), and i started working for her doing the walgreens list and then adding the kroger list. all of the money that i made went into the pot for adoption stuff. but let me pause for a moment and tell you just how kind God is. jenny is the absolute BEST boss in the universe. she gets that family comes first and has been so gracious to me. the Lord knew exactly what i could handle, and a job that i can do in my pj's at home a few hours a week to put some money in the pot far exceeded all of the ways i was brainstorming that we could increase our income. He is good.

even with all of my hours of work, we were barely making a dent in what we needed. i was amazed though (and continue to be) at how each time we reached a financial deadline, God provided. a penny saved here, a dollar earned there...and then there is the beautiful body of Christ.

we had three different families in our church that rallied around us. what i absolutely love about each of them is that they used their gifts and passions to help, AND they listened to the Spirit. all of them came to us wanting to help and with ideas of how they specifically could. one gal hosted a jewelry show and gave us the profits. another couple did a huge fundraiser at their gym and raised a ton. and then dear friends just gave out of their extra--wanting to live out the believers having all things in common.

what made these gifts even more fun is that we applied for a matching grant through an organization called promise686 and these gifts were doubled!!

i have had moments of wondering if we were ever going to make it, and i look back at the last two years, and i think, You are good. so good.

closed, open or semi-open

there is lingo that goes with the adoption world, and this is more of it. allow me a moment to define (at least to the best of my knowledge).

closed adoption-this is where there is no contact between the biological and adopting parents. you might know something about the story surrounding your child, but probably not a ton. this is the typical international adoption, and this is the way that most adoptions were done 30 years ago.

open adoption-there is contact between the biological and adopting parents. there are varying levels of open. there is wide open, "hey come on over to our house!" and open with some boundaries as well, but relationship is happening.

semi-open is somewhere between closed and open. that's about all i know about that.

when we first started this journey, i was all for a closed adoption. i was driven by fear. HUGE fear. i had read one too many novels and seen one too many made for tv movies about the birth mom trying to get her child back. obviously, that is a terrifying thought. i didn't see any good that could come from us having a relationship with our child's biological parents. i thought it would be confusing for the child and that they might be conflicted about who their "real" parents were. because we were adopting internationally, i didn't have to look at my reasons or motivation for wanting a closed adoption. that was just the way that it was going to be.

however, when we moved to domestic adoption, we suddenly had to make a conscious decision about what type of adoption we wanted with the understanding that the biological parents might want something different than what we wanted. so, we had to decide, and then hold that decision with open hands.

one of the things that i am most grateful for is the great training we got from covenant care and for some challenging conversations i had with a dear friend. for the first time, i started to step outside of my fears and begin to think about what it must be like for the biological parents. when we began to think of them as people who were grieving the loss of a child and needed the love of Jesus, everything shifted. i learned how loving them well could help them to heal. we began to see that if we had an open relationship with our child's biological parents, there could be the potential for us to have medical information if we needed it. there wouldn't be this wondering in our child's hearts about who their biological parents were. they could know them. we would still be the ones calling the shots. we would still be the parents. if the relationship became toxic, we could walk away, but we could at least try it.

love began to cast out fear. isn't that what He says that it does?

what has held us through the storms

the last few posts are fairly turbulent, at least, remembering them was for me. it made me stop and ask myself, what held us through those rough waves. i can honestly say that knowing that God was completely in control AND that He knew the child that He had for our family was our sanity in this journey. even now, when we are tempted to give way to fear, remembering who He is holds us fast. He is a strong tower. He is good. that doesn't eliminate pain, but it does remind me that He will use all of the pain to bring beauty. He is not taken by surprise. when i am blind sighted, He is ready and prepared, knowing full well what was coming. when the temptation to just quit sinks in, to stay our happy little family of four, He reminded me that He had called us to this. He would accomplish what He had set out for us.

over and over, i have said that i have no idea how people do this without believing that God is sovereignly in charge of all AND that He is good. how do you ride the waves of life without a firm anchor to hold onto? there is no way that we would have made it this far without Him. He is all that i am not.