type of child desired

the "type of child desired" forms were the hardest for me on so many levels. basically, these are the forms where you specify what you are and are not willing to accept. things like...

boy or girl

infant or older child

twins, triplets or more

siblings

emotional abuse

physical abuse

special needs

terminally ill children

because we were adopting from the philippines at this point, we didn't have to decide on race. that was decided for us. also, because we were adopting internationally, we didn't have to decide on an open or closed adoption (aka the type of relationship we would have with the biological parents). that too was decided for us.

however, those other questions were hard. what made them harder was that there was a yes, no or maybe column. you don't even want to know how many maybes we had.

there were two big things for me in this part of the process. the first was that i had to realize that God has not called us all to the same thing. not all of us are called by him to raise terminally ill children (yep, that was a question). and here's where i really started wrestling, i would not for a second ponder not having julia or abby in my life if they became terminally ill or somehow contracted HIV or were born with special needs or fill in another hundred scenarios we were having to evaluate. i would rise up (by His grace, of course!), and i would love my children. but choosing. choosing is hard. how do you say yes to one child in need and no to another? not to mention that i didn't know what half of the medical conditions were! (so grateful for great nurse friends!)

we prayed. we pondered. we thought practically: a child with legs in braces or in a wheelchair would necessitate us moving (our house isn't big enough for them to maneuver with any amount of ease). and then we thought about who God is (if He calls us to have a child in a wheelchair, He'll provide a bigger house). can you see the seesaw effect in our hearts. it was HARD.

where did we land? we said no to most major physical special needs. we said yes to most emotional special needs. and there were lots of maybes. i so so so wanted to say yes to everything, but that is not where we felt like He was guiding us. i still wrestle with feeling less than because of that, but good grief. i need to let it go!

which leads to the second thing that i learned. He said yes to everything on my list.

sassy-YES

migraines-YES

stubborn-YES

strong-willed-YES

thyroid issues-no problem

and not only that, my list was actually much much worse. when the God of the universe chose to bring me into his family, to adopt me and call me His own, the "type of child" that He desired was dead. nothing attractive. nothing desirable. no cute baby smile. just dead. and He said, "yes. i choose her."

and if that wasn't enough, the cost was so much greater. my adoption fees were astronomical. He had to give up His perfect, flawless Son's life to gain me. seems like a pretty lame trade. but man, He must have seen the potential of redemption. all glory to Him.