the first interview

so, where did we leave off? most of our paperwork was done. we were plowing through our dossier (the long list of paperwork needed for the philippines), and our homestudy paperwork was nearly finished as well (including a septic tank inspection). it was time for our first interview with our caseworker. since the agency we were using at that time was out of state, we had contacted a local agency to do the homestudy.

i felt tremendous pressure for these interviews. it felt to me like we were on trial. the verdict would be whether or not we were fit to be parents...which is a weird place to be when you are already parents. if they said, "no" what did that mean about who we are as parents now? i knew the truth that these interviews did not define my worth, but i also knew that they could stop the process for us.

most of you know too that i lay all my cards on the table. i am not good at being evasive or answering questions vaguely. i am horrible at those things. i tell the truth. the whole truth. and there are certain truths that are not spoken out loud in adoption circles. not without consequence. so, i was on pins and needles.

AND, to make matters even more interesting, the girls would be coming with us. jon and i agreed that we would give them no instruction or coercion on what to say or how to answer questions. we did not want them to feel like they needed to hide any part of our family life. there is nothing that they needed to be ashamed of (and there IS nothing that they need to be ashamed of). on the other hand, have you ever been around 2 and 5 year olds? there isn't much of a filter there. and 2 year olds aren't always known for their immense self-control in long meetings where they are to play quietly. just writing this down makes the stress roll over me again! i felt like we were going on trial and that every aspect of our parenting was going to be evaluated in that hour and a half.

now, i should clarify, no one at any point in time had told me that it would be like that. in fact, the opposite information was presented. we were told, "we just want a chance to get to know your family. we are here to help you through this process." however true that might have been, when someone is studying your every word and action and taking copious notes, it's hard not to feel scrutinized because they are indeed scrutinizing.

so we got to the meeting early and waited in this dimly lit swank waiting room. not super child friendly, but oh well. the girls did fine, and we waited to be called in. at last, it was our turn. the atmosphere felt similar to a counseling session with kids. that's the best way i know to explain it. questions were asked, and we did our best to answer them well. the girls were asked questions as well. they did great. we were almost done when the bottom dropped out.

abby was asked a question that she didn't understand. i rephrased it and she shared truthfully information that was not well received. i was (and am) very grateful that the caseworker did not let on to abby that she had said something potentially explosive, but she did look at us and say, "we will definitely be discussing that further in our next meeting."

i remember the conversation with jon in the car on the way home. i remember driving up 85 saying this, "i want an advocate! i feel like the birth mothers have an advocate and the children being adopted have an advocate, but who is fighting for us? who is helping us to wade through all of this!?" it wasn't that i didn't want birth mothers and children to have advocates. i do! they need them desperately. but so did we.

we left that interview knowing that we had a rough road ahead and feeling alone in the journey. not a fun place to end for today, but that's where we were then.