today

today, i wish my son was not adopted.

i wish that he was just mine.

today, i wish that everything was right in the world.

i wish that i didn't spend time throughout the month thinking and pondering about what on earth to write to his birthmom for her monthly update, but that instead, i could just savor the moments.

i wish when he smiled, i didn't feel this compulsion to get the perfect picture for her. (do you know how hard it is to capture a newborn smiling??) that instead, i could just soak up the love from that sweet little smile.

today, i wish that i didn't have to organize, print and describe photos or write up our monthly report.

i wish that the waiting for his birthfather's rights to be terminated would be over...not lingering out there, hanging over me, ready ammunition for the enemy to use.

i wish that life were easier. simpler. and as i stood washing the never ending stack of dishes (only to go and fold the never ceasing pile of clothes), i realized why i was wishing all of these things. because i want to be able to handle all of this on my own. i want to be able to somehow manage life. i don't want to live with risk. because when i do, my lack of faith is exposed by the evidence of my mounting fear. in essence, i want to live without God. ugh.

so today. today, i repent. of my selfishness. of my pride. of my laziness. of my attempts to do life on my own. what stupidity. what humanity. that He would come for a wretch as I.

over and over again.