his name

more from my journal during that weekend away...

jon and i also looked at the story of benjamin a little. i love at his birth-the birth that leads to his mother's death, that she names him Ben-Oni-- "son of my trouble" and instantly there is redemption--at his birth to "Benjamin"-named by his father "son of my right hand" obviously erin, has nothing but love for this child. obviously, he is not her son of trouble--but the story, the meaning is rich. from birth, redemption. and part of erin's heart will be pierced in giving him to us, but he will be Jon's son of my right hand. redemption. beautiful, glorious redemption.

that little boy has my heart. may i not forget that i am not promised tomorrow with him.

there was a major shifting that weekend in my heart. i realized that i couldn't halfheartedly love benjamin. i don't know how to love that way. so, if i was going to love him at all, it was going to be all out, and the potential for pain was going to be greater. when jon and i talked about it, he really encouraged me to give my heart, and to trust the Lord to hold it well.

one of the amazing things to me was God's provision, yet again, of something that we needed before we knew that we needed it. to have to process through all of that for the first time WITH our girls at home would have been super difficult. the freedom to be still, to cry without freaking them out or having to answer questions that i didn't have the answers for was a tremendous gift. He provides.

the aftershocks

after meeting erin, jon and i headed to a dear friend's family lake house. we normally try to get away once a year just the two of us to refuel and reconnect, and this was the last weekend we could find before benjamin's arrival. so, we went, thinking that we would get to relax for two days. instead, we spent the two days grieving, weeping (well that was mostly me!) and processing our meeting.

does it sound weird that we were grieving? with the meeting having gone so well, i would have thought that the waves of relief and joy would have been pouring over us. but the faceless mother now was real. the brokenness of it all crushed me. here is a bit of my journal from that weekend:

...here i sit with tears streaming down my face as the sun streams over the water and blinds me with its light, and honestly, i don't know why i am crying. as soon as i sat down to write, the tears started. my heart grieves for this beautiful girl whose eyes dance with light. my heart aches because i long with ever fiber of my being to know with certainty that this boy, the one that i now have a picture of -this boy, will he be a part of our family? will a heart abandoned to love him fully be devastated by the loss? will we have to foster him for months without knowing the results with such risk for huge pain. yes. yes, i must trust in You.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because He trusts in You." isaiah 26:3 ...how i have needed that. trusting You will lead me to a steadfast mind and a perfect peace. the alternative? a fear-driven, fear filled woman who works diligently to protect her own heart, to figure out the best plan to lower the risks, to eliminate pain, whose mind is a locomotive, barreling down tracks unable to rest and who cannot savor the gift of this day. and who, who am i putting trust and all my basket eggs in? the One who is not safe, but wildly powerful and will keep me from all harm. the One who will not let my foot slip. who neither slumbers or sleeps. the one who is the shade at my right hand. the Lord Jehovah-my salvation.

trust You. i do trust You. that doesn't diminish the pain, but it does calm the fears.

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it has been 24 hours since the first meeting. thank you for time to cry. time to process. time to ponder. in some ways, i feel like this is a lot like the story of Moses. i don't know what the "pharaoh" is in erin's life forcing her into finding a better place for this child, but just as they knew he was no ordinary child (heb 11:23)-well, it seems like erin feels the same way and as a result wants something more for him. i long to know more of her heart--and oh, i am so grateful for what you have allowed me to know. i love to how You allowed moses' mother to nurse him. You gave her time to say good-bye. to savor precious memories with him. i want to give erin that. and you have to wonder-well You don't, but i do-have to wonder if she (moses' mother) kept up with him. if she got reports about him from others who worked under him. it seems like he knew about aaron and surely aaron knew about him. how interesting that their lives were reunited by You.

more tomorrow.

defender of the weak

yesterday was a big day. a day that we don't yet know the results of. yesterday was the court day to terminate benjamin's biological father's rights. this is the last step, the hurdle, you might say, to us being able to finalize the adoption. alot is riding on what happened in that courtroom yesterday.

you see, benjamin's biological dad could have hired a lawyer, shown up and said that he would like to parent benjamin. he would have to fight for that right, but he could do that. our understanding is that older judges often favor biological parents because they believe that "blood is best." so regardless of whether or not the person is fit to be a parent (not saying that benjamin's bio dad is or isn't, i don't know enough about him to assess), older judges will side with the biological parent. younger judges are different, we've been told. one of those situations where the tide has changed.

we are waiting on pins and needles to hear the results. in all honesty, i've been a wreck the past few days. you don't realize how much you love someone until you are faced with their absence. i saw that with abby gone to camp on a small scale, but the thought of benjamin not being a part of our lives, well, it has undone me.

on sunday, i just wanted to hold him. all day. to the detriment of my back, but to the health of my soul. i was weepy. one of the songs we sang at church had a line in it praising God as the defender of the weak. i looked down at this baby in my arms, and i realized that God is a far greater defender of him than i could ever be. may i trust Him more.

and we meet

when she walked in, i was calm. really really just glad to get the whole thing started. i can't remember if we hugged or not. jon was sitting next to me, and erin sat across from me. her caseworker was next to her and christie was sitting next to jon. got the visual?

we talked, and talked and talked some more. we were there for 3 hours. she was just as nervous as we were, i think. as the time progressed, we all relaxed tremendously. one thing that i love about our relationship is that we are both asking questions and then asking, "is it okay for me to ask this?" while looking to our caseworkers for direction. it is unchartered territory for all of us (so grateful for our caseworkers' help in this process!!!!)

erin shared some of her story with us that we hadn't heard. i asked her why she chose us...and for all of you in the midst of adopting, read this! she said that she had three families to look at. after she had looked at the first two, she went to the bathroom and cried because she knew that these weren't the families for her child. they were too perfect. they didn't seem real. she told her caseworker when she came back that she was scared to look at the last profile because what if she didn't like it (aka us)? then she started reading.

one of the things i had written in our letter to any pregnant momma looking for a family for her child was this:

So us. Who are we? If you are looking for the picture perfect American family who has a dog, a cat, 2.5 (perfectly behaved and perfectly manicured) kids and goes to Disneyworld each year, keep on flipping. We aren’t that family. But if you are looking for a family that is a place of authenticity, warmth, humanity and love—a place where one of our biggest goals is to champion each member of our home to pursue their passions for the glory of God, then keep reading.

erin told us that when she read that part, she was so relieved. we were real. so her fear that we wouldn't say yes wasn't rooted in her insecurity, it was rooted in the fear that if we said no, who would she choose? i cannot imagine being in that place! hard enough to choose to make an adoption plan...how much harder if you don't love the families that you have to choose from!

to say that we clicked with erin would be a vast understatement. you know how sometimes you meet people and you just fall in love with them? you just hit it off and you are bonded? that's what happened. we shared similar senses of humor. we just got each other. i was struck over and over by what a gift that was (and is!)

one of the things we talked about while we were there was names. she was curious what we were thinking. at that point, we had three names left on our list for first names. (the middle name was going to be after jon's middle name). we shared our ideas with her, and she liked benjamin. we didn't commit to that name at the time, but she told us that she wanted his name to be the same on both birth certificates. yep, he gets one from the hospital and when the adoption is finalized he gets another birth certificate with his new name. (hello spiritual significance!) i'll share more of how God confirmed that name to us later...

oh, and the sweet girl had gotten a copy of her last ultrasound for us and put it in a frame. love her. so much.

when we left, we asked her if it would be okay to take a picture. she said yes. (and for all of you worried about us protecting her privacy, thank you for your concern. i asked erin if she minded us posting her picture, and she was fine with it.) so, here we are.

i cried at one point during our meal. i was sitting here with this amazing woman, and i wanted to share something with her. i told her (through tears) that our utmost desire was what was best for her and for her baby. if she changed her mind and decided that she wanted to parent her child, we would be fine. we just wanted her to know that she had that freedom. she started to try to tell me that she wasn't going to change her mind, but i shushed her. i told her i wasn't telling her that as a way to get her to affirm us, but that i just wanted her to have that in her mind and heart. i never wanted her getting to know and love us to keep her from doing what she needed to for herself and her baby.

when we left, we all hugged. tight. she and her caseworker left. and we stayed for awhile and talked with christie. then, i got in the car and bawled. little did i know how desperately i was going to need those few days away with jon to be able to process everything. i am so grateful that the Lord knew and provided what i needed before i knew i needed it.

getting ready to meet erin

i didn't have morning sickness with benjamin, but i was nauseas. a lot. does that count? after jon and i talked and prayed and said, "yes" to going forward with this possibility, we found out that erin wanted to meet us. and soon. she was nervous that we wouldn't say yes. we inferred that she must be deeply insecure. (we found out later that her nerves were not driven by insecurity.)

our meeting was scheduled for several weeks away. we were going to meet at chili's. for lunch. her caseworker and our caseworker would both be there. we felt clueless. what do you talk about? what is okay to ask? what is taboo? would she like us? would she hate us? and did i mention, what do you talk about?? i mean, we had read a multi-page report detailing her life, family and story. she had read the same on us. it is a weird thing to walk into a meeting with someone where you know so much intimate stuff about their lives, but you have never met them. there is a layer of vulnerability that is just strange.

i remember loading up the girls the morning that we were headed to lunch. jon and i were actually going away for the weekend after lunch with erin. so, there was the stress of packing ourselves, our food for the weekend, all of the girls stuff, etc. on top of just going to meet erin. everyone was in the car waiting, and i was the last out the door, when the nausea hit me. i called jon. abby looked panicked, and i almost puked, blacked out and sat down in the carport and cried all at once. (sounds like morning sickness, hey?) i pulled myself together, mostly because my girls were watching, and we left.

oh, and did i mention that this was that day that we got the random snow? it wasn't one of the heavier snowfalls, just a light dusting with icy roads. and yeah, we atlantans don't know what to do with snow or ice of any sort.

so we left early. and we got there VERY early. too early to actually sit at the restaurant and wait. jon and i drove around. we popped into a couple of stores. ross to look for tights for abby and a school supply store to look for calendars. basically, we were wasting time. we got to the restaurant and prayed before we went in. i was nervous, but calmer once we got there.

let me interject that one of the reasons that i was nervous, tense, whatever you want to call it, was because i felt this need to soak every fiber of erin in. i had no idea how many times we might get to be with her. no idea of what kind of contact she would want with her child. i did know that getting to meet her was a gift. i knew that if we wound up adopting her baby that i would want to tell him about his birth mom. and how do you know what he would want to know? what she ate? what she looked like when she laughed? did she laugh? was she quiet or chatty? how do you prepare for questions that you know might come, but don't have any idea what they might be? my senses were on high alert.

christie got there next. we got a table, figured out where everyone would sit and waited for erin to arrive.

the call

january 20th, 2011. it was not an ordinary day. oh no.

the day started crazy. it was school day, and so we were doing school. but before we could get started a dear friend called to tell us that becka mullennix, a precious lady from our old church, had died. we had worked with her, been loved by her. she was young. it came out of nowhere. so the morning was spent grieving with old friends via phone. attempting some school between calls.

that afternoon i had an appointment with a friend. it was important, and i couldn't miss it. so, at the last possible moment (because i'd been on the phone and doing school all day), i went to hop in the shower. i mean, i had less than enough time to get ready at this point. and the phone rang.

it was christie, our caseworker. i didn't think a thing of it. she prepped me that she had news. i asked if she was going to take me on another unnecessary roller coaster ride (see possibilities one and two)--and no, i'm not always the nicest person. and she told me that yes, she was going to take me on one, but that it was very necessary. i sat down, right where i am now at my computer desk, and listened.

she shared the birthmother's story. she told me that she was having a boy. she shared all the parts that made it messy (which for the sake of honoring Benjamin-this is his story after all-i'm going to stay mum about). she asked me what i thought. and i sat and shook.

oh, and did i mention where jon was on this day? he was down in the basement of a mall working. he had called me earlier in the day before everything hit to tell me that he would have no phone service all day. so, here i am with this world rocking news, and i can't get in touch with my husband. mercy!

so after a few frantic calls, a quick shower, crazy prayers and a five minute briefing with my husband while he was in the car on his way to switch off with me at home, i left for my appointment. i knew in my heart of hearts that this was the one. this was where we were supposed to be.

what to do while we wait

the waiting was hard. harder than i thought it would be. i remember christie telling me during one of our interviews that she thought it would be hard for me, and i remember telling jon that i thought i'd be fine. oh, ugly pride.

so it was hard. it's hard to plan much when you don't know when you might get a baby. with international adoption, you have some framework of a timeline. it is broad and changing, but there is some framework. with domestic adoption, we had none. they told us that we could get a call and have 24 hours to come and get our child. or we might have a few months if the birth mother wanted to meet us beforehand. covenant care was going to do everything in their power to protect our family. so they didn't want to bring us into the process until they were pretty certain that the birth mother wasn't going to change her mind. and if that certainty wasn't there, then they would wait the 10 days after she had signed away her rights, and then they would tell us.

how do you plan a vacation? when do you start to decorate? to pull old clothes out of the attic? and what do you gear up for? a baby? a toddler? how do you prepare your children for a possibility when you don't know when or where it is coming? do you commit to lead a Bible study when you know that you might have a newborn at any point in time? good grief!!

we eventually figured out that we needed to just live life. when we found out, we could adjust accordingly. by the time we figured that out, we got the call.