and we meet

when she walked in, i was calm. really really just glad to get the whole thing started. i can't remember if we hugged or not. jon was sitting next to me, and erin sat across from me. her caseworker was next to her and christie was sitting next to jon. got the visual?

we talked, and talked and talked some more. we were there for 3 hours. she was just as nervous as we were, i think. as the time progressed, we all relaxed tremendously. one thing that i love about our relationship is that we are both asking questions and then asking, "is it okay for me to ask this?" while looking to our caseworkers for direction. it is unchartered territory for all of us (so grateful for our caseworkers' help in this process!!!!)

erin shared some of her story with us that we hadn't heard. i asked her why she chose us...and for all of you in the midst of adopting, read this! she said that she had three families to look at. after she had looked at the first two, she went to the bathroom and cried because she knew that these weren't the families for her child. they were too perfect. they didn't seem real. she told her caseworker when she came back that she was scared to look at the last profile because what if she didn't like it (aka us)? then she started reading.

one of the things i had written in our letter to any pregnant momma looking for a family for her child was this:

So us. Who are we? If you are looking for the picture perfect American family who has a dog, a cat, 2.5 (perfectly behaved and perfectly manicured) kids and goes to Disneyworld each year, keep on flipping. We aren’t that family. But if you are looking for a family that is a place of authenticity, warmth, humanity and love—a place where one of our biggest goals is to champion each member of our home to pursue their passions for the glory of God, then keep reading.

erin told us that when she read that part, she was so relieved. we were real. so her fear that we wouldn't say yes wasn't rooted in her insecurity, it was rooted in the fear that if we said no, who would she choose? i cannot imagine being in that place! hard enough to choose to make an adoption plan...how much harder if you don't love the families that you have to choose from!

to say that we clicked with erin would be a vast understatement. you know how sometimes you meet people and you just fall in love with them? you just hit it off and you are bonded? that's what happened. we shared similar senses of humor. we just got each other. i was struck over and over by what a gift that was (and is!)

one of the things we talked about while we were there was names. she was curious what we were thinking. at that point, we had three names left on our list for first names. (the middle name was going to be after jon's middle name). we shared our ideas with her, and she liked benjamin. we didn't commit to that name at the time, but she told us that she wanted his name to be the same on both birth certificates. yep, he gets one from the hospital and when the adoption is finalized he gets another birth certificate with his new name. (hello spiritual significance!) i'll share more of how God confirmed that name to us later...

oh, and the sweet girl had gotten a copy of her last ultrasound for us and put it in a frame. love her. so much.

when we left, we asked her if it would be okay to take a picture. she said yes. (and for all of you worried about us protecting her privacy, thank you for your concern. i asked erin if she minded us posting her picture, and she was fine with it.) so, here we are.

i cried at one point during our meal. i was sitting here with this amazing woman, and i wanted to share something with her. i told her (through tears) that our utmost desire was what was best for her and for her baby. if she changed her mind and decided that she wanted to parent her child, we would be fine. we just wanted her to know that she had that freedom. she started to try to tell me that she wasn't going to change her mind, but i shushed her. i told her i wasn't telling her that as a way to get her to affirm us, but that i just wanted her to have that in her mind and heart. i never wanted her getting to know and love us to keep her from doing what she needed to for herself and her baby.

when we left, we all hugged. tight. she and her caseworker left. and we stayed for awhile and talked with christie. then, i got in the car and bawled. little did i know how desperately i was going to need those few days away with jon to be able to process everything. i am so grateful that the Lord knew and provided what i needed before i knew i needed it.