jon and i also looked at the story of benjamin a little. i love at his birth-the birth that leads to his mother's death, that she names him Ben-Oni-- "son of my trouble" and instantly there is redemption--at his birth to "Benjamin"-named by his father "son of my right hand" obviously erin, has nothing but love for this child. obviously, he is not her son of trouble--but the story, the meaning is rich. from birth, redemption. and part of erin's heart will be pierced in giving him to us, but he will be Jon's son of my right hand. redemption. beautiful, glorious redemption.
that little boy has my heart. may i not forget that i am not promised tomorrow with him.
there was a major shifting that weekend in my heart. i realized that i couldn't halfheartedly love benjamin. i don't know how to love that way. so, if i was going to love him at all, it was going to be all out, and the potential for pain was going to be greater. when jon and i talked about it, he really encouraged me to give my heart, and to trust the Lord to hold it well.
one of the amazing things to me was God's provision, yet again, of something that we needed before we knew that we needed it. to have to process through all of that for the first time WITH our girls at home would have been super difficult. the freedom to be still, to cry without freaking them out or having to answer questions that i didn't have the answers for was a tremendous gift. He provides.
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