does it sound weird that we were grieving? with the meeting having gone so well, i would have thought that the waves of relief and joy would have been pouring over us. but the faceless mother now was real. the brokenness of it all crushed me. here is a bit of my journal from that weekend:
...here i sit with tears streaming down my face as the sun streams over the water and blinds me with its light, and honestly, i don't know why i am crying. as soon as i sat down to write, the tears started. my heart grieves for this beautiful girl whose eyes dance with light. my heart aches because i long with ever fiber of my being to know with certainty that this boy, the one that i now have a picture of -this boy, will he be a part of our family? will a heart abandoned to love him fully be devastated by the loss? will we have to foster him for months without knowing the results with such risk for huge pain. yes. yes, i must trust in You.
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because He trusts in You." isaiah 26:3 ...how i have needed that. trusting You will lead me to a steadfast mind and a perfect peace. the alternative? a fear-driven, fear filled woman who works diligently to protect her own heart, to figure out the best plan to lower the risks, to eliminate pain, whose mind is a locomotive, barreling down tracks unable to rest and who cannot savor the gift of this day. and who, who am i putting trust and all my basket eggs in? the One who is not safe, but wildly powerful and will keep me from all harm. the One who will not let my foot slip. who neither slumbers or sleeps. the one who is the shade at my right hand. the Lord Jehovah-my salvation.
trust You. i do trust You. that doesn't diminish the pain, but it does calm the fears.
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it has been 24 hours since the first meeting. thank you for time to cry. time to process. time to ponder. in some ways, i feel like this is a lot like the story of Moses. i don't know what the "pharaoh" is in erin's life forcing her into finding a better place for this child, but just as they knew he was no ordinary child (heb 11:23)-well, it seems like erin feels the same way and as a result wants something more for him. i long to know more of her heart--and oh, i am so grateful for what you have allowed me to know. i love to how You allowed moses' mother to nurse him. You gave her time to say good-bye. to savor precious memories with him. i want to give erin that. and you have to wonder-well You don't, but i do-have to wonder if she (moses' mother) kept up with him. if she got reports about him from others who worked under him. it seems like he knew about aaron and surely aaron knew about him. how interesting that their lives were reunited by You.
more tomorrow.
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