getting ready to meet erin

i didn't have morning sickness with benjamin, but i was nauseas. a lot. does that count? after jon and i talked and prayed and said, "yes" to going forward with this possibility, we found out that erin wanted to meet us. and soon. she was nervous that we wouldn't say yes. we inferred that she must be deeply insecure. (we found out later that her nerves were not driven by insecurity.)

our meeting was scheduled for several weeks away. we were going to meet at chili's. for lunch. her caseworker and our caseworker would both be there. we felt clueless. what do you talk about? what is okay to ask? what is taboo? would she like us? would she hate us? and did i mention, what do you talk about?? i mean, we had read a multi-page report detailing her life, family and story. she had read the same on us. it is a weird thing to walk into a meeting with someone where you know so much intimate stuff about their lives, but you have never met them. there is a layer of vulnerability that is just strange.

i remember loading up the girls the morning that we were headed to lunch. jon and i were actually going away for the weekend after lunch with erin. so, there was the stress of packing ourselves, our food for the weekend, all of the girls stuff, etc. on top of just going to meet erin. everyone was in the car waiting, and i was the last out the door, when the nausea hit me. i called jon. abby looked panicked, and i almost puked, blacked out and sat down in the carport and cried all at once. (sounds like morning sickness, hey?) i pulled myself together, mostly because my girls were watching, and we left.

oh, and did i mention that this was that day that we got the random snow? it wasn't one of the heavier snowfalls, just a light dusting with icy roads. and yeah, we atlantans don't know what to do with snow or ice of any sort.

so we left early. and we got there VERY early. too early to actually sit at the restaurant and wait. jon and i drove around. we popped into a couple of stores. ross to look for tights for abby and a school supply store to look for calendars. basically, we were wasting time. we got to the restaurant and prayed before we went in. i was nervous, but calmer once we got there.

let me interject that one of the reasons that i was nervous, tense, whatever you want to call it, was because i felt this need to soak every fiber of erin in. i had no idea how many times we might get to be with her. no idea of what kind of contact she would want with her child. i did know that getting to meet her was a gift. i knew that if we wound up adopting her baby that i would want to tell him about his birth mom. and how do you know what he would want to know? what she ate? what she looked like when she laughed? did she laugh? was she quiet or chatty? how do you prepare for questions that you know might come, but don't have any idea what they might be? my senses were on high alert.

christie got there next. we got a table, figured out where everyone would sit and waited for erin to arrive.